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Staying Strong
| Support Forum > Suicide and Self-Injury > Staying Strong |
| Snowfall Member Tue, 13 Dec 2011 4:19pm | Hi Youth Space, I don't know why I decided to post this, because I perfer to keep my emotions and problems to myself. But after reading all these posts, I though why not come out and share my story, because maybe someone else is out their experiances everything I am, and want advice. But are to scared to come out with it. Two months ago I started *SI. Not my arms at first; but rather my face. Eventually it progressed onto my arms after everyone at school started making remarks about my face. Why? I'd like to think it mainly had to do with my dad, but I'm not sure that's entirely why. See my dad and I were really close up till about 6, 7 months ago. One night he got really mad at my little brother who didn't want to eat his meat (he's vegitarian) and smacked his, my sisters, and mine against the table, broke plates and cups, smacked us all again, and stood their yelling at us about how he was ashamed to be our father, and how 'bad' we were. After that I became afraid of him. Never knowing what little things would set him off. When he got really mad, he'd hit us and chase us down to our room. And whenever we try to tell our mother, she calls us liars. I don't want to call the police or what not, because I know that'd ruin my mothers happiness. I don't want to be responsible for that. Also as of lately, my mother goes on about wanting to die, and that she might not come home one day. Reason? Her children. Most days home is like a living hell. My parents are always yelling at us, calling us bad names and the such. Now I feel like I can never tell the truth, because whenever I do they either a) don't listen or b) punish me without even thinking. Other then that, my family is always telling me how they want me to die, and how happy and better off they'd all be without me. I won't tell any of my friends because I know that they wouldn't understand how I was feeling and tell my parents. School life isn't any better with all the drama and rumors and such. But really anything is better then being home. I'm currently saving up so I may move out at 16, because I can't stand living here. If it weren't for my 2 younger sibblings I'd already have commited suicide long ago. I feel lost and alone, and angery that I can't do anything, and that I'm scared of my own father. I refuse to have anything to do with him, and I'm teaching my younger sibblings on how to avoid him. Because I swore that once I leave this household, I won't come back. ~Snowfall *Edited by the Support Team for potentially triggering content | ||
| broken_wing Member Thu, 15 Dec 2011 11:18am | awww snowfall I am soo sorry your going through this! Its sounds incredibly hard! I really admire and appreciate you for coming on this forum and reaching out. Thats a step. There is help out there and I know its tough but its not safe at home... for you or your siblings.. none of you deserve that kind of treatment at all! you are worth so much more!!!!! your idea to move out at 16 is good there are lots of supportive housing options out there where you will be treated a lot better and get some help but the sooner the better.. theres people out there whose job it is to protect you and your siblings. please let them help.. hang in there for now and keep posting here as many times as you wish!!!!!! <3 HUGS | ||
| Support Team Administrator Thu, 15 Dec 2011 3:21pm | Hi Snowfall, You are so brave to reach out and tell your story... I agree with broken_wing, you and your siblings should be treated with love, and respect, and care, NOT violence. It sounds like your mom and dad are expressing a lot of scary and violent emotions and that they're taking things out on you. Im so very worried about you and your younger siblings... you must all be so scared. Oh Snowfall, does anyone else know how it is? Do you have anyone in your life who you can trust, and turn to now that things have become so unbearable? We really want to help you - are you willing to email us directly at support@youthspace.ca or chat in live so we can help you find support (we're open every night except Wednesday from 6-11pm). You shouldn't have to live this way! Please know there are people who want to help stop the violence you are experiencing... that might sound scary (who are 'these people'), but no one should have to live in fear. And at 15, you alone shouldnt have to protect your siblings. You all deserve to feel safe. The Children's Helpline is a place you can reach out to for help 250-310-1234, as well as the Kids Help Phone 1-800-686-6868. Of course you can continue posting here and/or check out the live chat, too. And remember, if things get really scary you can always call 911. Take good care of yourself, Snowfall. And please stay connected. <3 the Support Team It must be so very very hard to get through each day not knowing what's going to happen... whether the abuse will happen again. | ||
| Snowfall Member Thu, 15 Dec 2011 4:50pm | Hi broken_wing, Thanks a lot for your support <3 It really does mean a lot to me. The housing here where I live is really expensive from what I've heard so, theirs a lot of saving up to do, especially since I want to get into a really good college. I don't know if my parents would support me with this idea, so I'm also going to have to look into legal rights and stuff. But in the long run it seems like the best thing to do. Thanks for ur support; Snowfall | ||
| Snowfall Member Thu, 15 Dec 2011 5:00pm | The Support Team, I recently reached out to one of my friends about the things going on at home. But she doesn't know about SI*. She was really supportive, and she shared some of her problems. But reaching out to anyone in my family isn't really an option, because they wouldn't believe me. It is really scary for me, more so then it seems for my sibblings. Even after he hits us, they always seem to forgive him the next day. Their old enough to understand what's going, but I seem to be the only one holding a grudge. And yeah I'll try ur chat tonight :) Ps: I'm almost 13 :) Snowfall | ||
| Support Team Administrator Fri, 16 Dec 2011 1:32pm | Hi Snowfall, You've been on my mind and in my <3 Im happy to read you've been able to talk to a friend a bit... Id imagine its getting really heavy holding everything youre holding, and talking to others helps lessen the weight a bit. But Im sorry you cant turn to your family :( Your dad doesn't have the right to abuse you or your siblings like that - you don't deserve to be harmed in any way, not verbally, not physically. We want you to feel safe and secure, loved and respected. We want that for everyone. Im sorry you dont feel believed - we believe you! There are lots of people who will want to help - please keep on reaching out. We're here for you Snowfall, let us know how we can support you. Stay safe and take care... the Support Team PS Sorry about messing up your age! :) I guess we assumed you were closer to 16 cuz you mentioned it... I can't imagine how far away 16 and escape must feel :( | ||
| Snowfall Member Tue, 20 Dec 2011 11:38pm | Hi Support Team, This weekend kinda sucked :/ My mom and I had a big fight, and she started breaking down and freaking out. She blames the state of the house on me, which I disagree with cause I'm basically the one who cleans the house the most besides her. She told me she was probably depressed cause of us *my sibblings and I* and told me I was always have emotinal break downs, which trust me I don't. I tried explaining to her how I felt but she doesn't get it. Also my dad asked if I have a hate thing for him (which I kinda do) but I just said i don't know because it makes it so much easier. He persisted and when I mentioned the hitting, he said it was for our 'learning' purposes. Is that right? To hit your children to teach them? Also I mentioned to my parents that I'm moving out at 16 cause I was angry at that time and not thinking straight, and they told me straight up that if I do, their disowning me. Ouch :( Right now everyone acting like nothing happened, and it sucks. It's almost Christmas time and my family's tearing up the walls and floors for renos, and we've hardly decorated the Christmas tree. We're lucky we even have one. I don't know what Christmas is 'suppose' to be like, but right now I'm kinda hating it. Wishing you the best, Snowfall | ||
| Support Team Administrator Wed, 21 Dec 2011 12:20pm | Hey Snowfall, I can hear that you had a really rough weekend with your parents :( It sounds like the fight you and your mom had was super stressful and hurtful. I'm getting the sense that you really don't feel "heard" by your mom, like she doesn't really understand you. And I imagine it must be pretty painful to hear her try to blame you and your siblings for her depression - even though you're trying your best every day. I bet it was also pretty stressful to have your dad asking over and over whether or not you hate him. It sounds like you brought up the hitting, and he told you he did it to teach you and your siblings a lesson...but violence is never ok or justified. You didn't do anything wrong or anything to deserve being hit - this is your dad's problem and no one else's. I'm hearing that you and your siblings are being blamed for a lot of negative stuff going on in your household, but I hope you know that you are all worthy of love, and none of you deserve to be emotionally or physically abused! It also sounds like your house is pretty chaotic right now with all of the renovations, and it's really not feeling like Christmas. My heart really goes out to you because although you're probably longing for a restful break during Christmas, it sounds like there's a lot of hurt happening right now for you and your siblings. Please know that we are here for you and really care about how you are doing. If you'd like to hear about some supports that could help with what's going on within your family, please email us at support@youthspace.ca. We'd love to keep on contact here on the forum too <3 Thinking of you Snowfall, the Support Team | ||
| room101 Member Wed, 21 Dec 2011 12:58pm | Dear Snowfall, Hey I know what it feels like 2 be abused by someone you love&trust. Happened to me 3 years ago now, it was soo shocking and I felt so confused and sick to my stomach when this person I trusted more than anyone hit me and almost slammed my head into a wall out of anger. He told me he wouldn'thave done it if I hadn't made him so mad, and I believed him. So I forgave him, and it started happening more and more. Well I won't go into more details but in the end I realized what my friends told me was right, I shouldn't have to take that kind of scary abuse just because I loved that person. The hitting and fighting turned me in to a shell of who I used to be...I was scared and sick all the time...but I'm finally feeling recovered years later. I tell you just a bit of my story, because I want you to know that know matter what the abuser says, it is NOT your fault and it's their anger problems that they need to work out, it's not your responsibility. I got really emotional reading your story, because kids shoudn't have to go through that!!!! I'm glad you posted here instead of bottling it all up inside and keeping it a secret, believe me there are others who have been through what you are going through right now and we worry about you and care! | ||
| Snowfall Member Thu, 12 Jan 2012 9:11pm | I feel like i'm falling apart. each day i'm struggling to go on, to smile and act all happy. everyone would think i'm a cry baby if i told them how unhappy and scared and sad i am. my parents make fun of me for wanting to move out at 16 and their always bringing it up. they like to tell everyone in our family about how i'm moving out at 16, and i'm beinging to feel like i'm not going ot make it to 16. the other day my sister was getting yelled at by my mom for something she didn't do, so instead of waiting it out in my room like i should have, i got up and yelled back at my mom. wouldn't you know it my dad came running down, yelled in my face and shoved me into my room. something my mom told me a while ago keeps running through my head, Your not my daughter, no daughter of mine would be so selfish. i'm fighting with one of my friends right now, and i know for a fact the guy i like is talking/laughing about me behind my back. i also know that the friend i'm fighting with is also doing. and i'm being made fun of in band for 'sucking' at playing. i just want to lay down and give up. i have no self estem left, and i'm tired of being laughed at. i'm tired of being frowned upon, and i'm tired of being so sad. i just want to be truely happy, not the fake happy i feel. | ||
| Support Team Administrator Sun, 15 Jan 2012 6:23pm | Hey Snowfall, It sounds like life has thrown some pretty crappy stuff at you to deal with right now :( I'm hearing that the "everything's ok" mask you wear every day is beginning to wear thin, but you feel you have to go on as if nothing is wrong. I'm getting the sense that your home life is unbearably stressful, and it must be hard to feel like you can't tell anyone about that or vent. The yelling and pushing from your parents must be so heartbreaking :( It must be so painful to feel that others that you trusted are now talking behind your back and betraying you. Being mocked in band class has got to be so exhausting too...people can be so cruel! Even though some people have turned their backs on you, it sounds like you still have other friends in your life. How open are you with them about how you've been feeling? Do you feel pressured to wear that mask around them, too? I just have an image of you in my head feeling so alone, and not getting the love and support that you need right now. No one should have to deal with the yelling, backstabbing and bullying that you're dealing with :( I'm so relieved you come here to tell us what is going on. We want to support you to get through all this bad stuff, so that one day when you don't have to deal with it anymore you can find the true happiness you are longing for. We are here for you no matter what, Snowfall! Stay connected... the Support Team | ||
| Snowfall Member Mon, 16 Jan 2012 6:39pm | Hey Support team, To answer your questions, yes I kept a mask around my friends. I did try to tell one friend, not how I was feeling so much, but rather what was happening. She also knew about my si, and begged me to stop. Explaining to her why I was doing didnt really work. I could tell that she pitied me. I'm afraid my parents ways are rubbing off on us (children). I often see my brother and sister hurting eachother and calling names. It's a never ending cycle :'( Today was a really bad day, and I *SI'd my arm. I decided I didn't want to pretend anymore. I dont want to hide. So tomorrow I'm gonna open up to my friends about everything. Good idea or bad? I know you mIght not respond to this in time. :/ I also wanted u guys to know, your last post made me teary. You gave me more affection then my own parents all week. Thank you <3 ~Struggling on, Snow *edited to avoid potentially triggering content. | ||
| Support Team Administrator Wed, 18 Jan 2012 1:10pm | Hey Snowfall, It must be so rough to have to shut part of yourself off when you're around your friends...it must cost you a lot of effort to be constantly covering up your true feelings and forcing yourself to be cheerful, when inside you feel like you're in so much pain you're dying a little bit every day. When you told your friend about what was going on at home and your SI, it sounds like she got scared and pleaded for you to stop, without understanding why you do it. My hunch is that she is really worried about you and doesn't want to see you get hurt, but isn't sure how to go about helping you. Even if she wasn't sure what to do, I'm glad you have a friend who seems to really care about you <3 And about opening up to your other friends, I'm hearing that you're fed up of carrying all of this alone, and you are craving support from them. Whatever you decide to do, we are rooting for you - it sounds like you'll be telling your friends everything, and since I'm getting the sense they really care about you, I imagine you'll get a lot of feedback from them - feel free to post about how their reactions made you feel if you do tell them. It sounds like SI is still a way for you to let your pain out, and a way for you to cope when things are feeling too overwhelming. We are worried for you because like your friend, we don't want you to be hurting (physically or emotionally). So we are here for you, there's no need for masks or pretending here. *big hug* Keep on fighting, the Support Team | ||
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