When you're experiencing difficult, confusing, or scary feelings, sometimes it helps to write about it.
|Boards List | Search|
|Support Forum > Sexual Health and Sexuality > what's up?|
| midnight*lullaby |
Tue, 10 Jan 2012 8:51pm
|hey so... urg. this is really freaking awkward... i don't even know where to start.. |
okay, well.. the other night i was at this girls party.. and there's this boy, we'll call him "nathan". so nathan and i have this weird history... i used to have a huge crush on him way back in the day and we even dated a little in gr 7.. now we're in gr 11 and have been 'friends'?? ever since. Sometimes we make out with eachother though, and sometimes it seems as if we're dating eachother and then it just.. ends. i honestly don't even know why i date him or makeout with him or whatever. he's kind of a major jerk. he's said things before that make me feel really uncomfortable or unworthy or.. i dunno, just bad stuff.
ANYWAYS, back on topic, so i go into this room with nathan, which was an awful idea anyways, i really should learn my lesson with him. so we're sitting on this bunk bed, and he's trying to kiss me and i didn't want him too.. i dont even know how to explain it! it was like i was addicted to being there with him, and having him want me, but i actually didnt want anything to happen. so i was saying no, but i donno, maybe saying it in that coy way that boys think really means yes? so we're laying there playing the 'no' game and out of nowhere he... put his fingers inside me :S. i didnt like.. freak out, but i moved away and got up and left.. i donno, i felt really weird. i left the party after and it was close to my house so i just walked home but like.. i cried the whole way home? i felt... awful! and i dont really understand... i mean, i didnt want him to touch me there. i didnt let him keep doing it obviously, i left but like.. i just feel really... yucky. i felt really sad and.. i dont even know. i just know i left right away (which isnt normal for me to just up and leave a party) and cried the whole way home...
what happened? why did i react that way? was what he did wrong? i mean.. we've made out before.. maybe he just thought that was okay? i dont know i just, i know it didn't feel good :(.
| Support Team |
Mon, 16 Jan 2012 10:27pm
Oh midnight*lullaby, I am so sorry to hear what happened to you at the party. It sounds like things in the bedroom felt really out of your control, and I imagine you are spinning trying to understand what happened, and how you feel about what nathan did. Thank you for posting your thoughts and feelings here... I think it takes great courage to share your story.
I can hear how confused you are about what happened in the room with nathan… I get the sense that some of this confusion is coming from internal conflict? Although you have been 'friends' for a longtime now and have a history that includes intimate moments, his words and actions sometimes leave you feeling really crappy about yourself… it sounds like he’s said some really hurtful things to you - things that have made you look at yourself in a negative way :( I imagine that you don't always feel valued and appreciated by nathan, and I want you to know that you deserve to feel loved and cherished by the people you invite into your life.
It sounds like you feel he betrayed your trust when he violated you sexually. You asked if what he did was wrong, and I want to assure you that "NO" means NO! any and every time you say it. You have the right to turn down sexual advances at any stage of the game, and regardless of how intimate you’ve been in the past.
I can hear you questioning why he did it, and why you responded the way you did… I’d imagine this has all been very confusing for you considering the history you and nathan have. I don't know why he did that (no matter his reasons, when you said NO he should’ve stopped), but I do know that you have every right to choose how far you go with guys, every time.
When you say you felt like you were addicted to being there with him, I really get a sense of how out of control you felt… like, that craving of wanting him to want you, and the good feelings that come with feeling desired… but then the ugly side of the addiction and the consequences of giving in to the craving. It’s been a little while since you posted and Im wondering how you’ve been feeling? How’re you doing midnight*lullaby?
We are here for you… please take care of yourself and stay connected,
-The Support Team
Not logged in Log In / Register (optional)