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When you're experiencing difficult, confusing, or scary feelings, sometimes it helps to write about it.
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It hurts...
| Support Forum > Difficult Feelings and Emotions > It hurts... |
| Callie Member Wed, 20 Jun 2012 9:51am | I was sexually assaulted and have always had an emotional "wall" protecting me. Now, that wall is slipping. Even the slightest memory makes it feel like I'm being stabbed in the stomach. I don't know how much longer I can handle this. | ||
| Support Team Administrator Thu, 21 Jun 2012 12:55pm | Hi Callie, Oh Callie, Im so sorry to hear you were sexually assaulted :'( I hope you know no one deserves to be violated like that - not ever. Thank you for posting and sharing this piece of you <3 Im hearing that you were able to cope for awhile by putting up an emotional wall, but that your wall is crumbling around your feet. It sounds like you're being triggered by painful memories which are causing you to relive what you've been through... have you noticed anything about what triggers you? It sounds like things are feeling really overwhelming... Id imagine, you might even feel like you're out of control at times...? How've you been coping (esp coz your wall isnt working)? I get the sense you're finding it harder and harder to keep going... Im wondering, whats keeping you going (what usually helps you deal with everything, even if it doesnt always work). You're dealing with a lot Callie... has anyone been supporting you through this really difficult time? Have you talked to anyone about the sexual assault, like a counsellor or doctor/nurse or...? I hope you're not completely alone in this... please know we're here for you. Stay strong, and stay connected... the Support Team | ||
| Callie Member Thu, 21 Jun 2012 3:10pm | The only thing I have found that helps is self-injury. I try my hardest not to, but I end up doing it anyway. The method I use no longer leaves marks(actually it does, but they take less than an hour to go away) so nobody knows. I was able to tell my mom about the assault and we notified the police, but there is nothing that they can do. My mom is supportive, but I find myself unable to reach out to her for help, in the fear that she will ask questions that I do not want to answer. As far as what keeps me going, I guess that would be my animals, although I lost some of my "favorites" due to the assault. | ||
| Support Team Administrator Mon, 25 Jun 2012 11:29am | Heyy Callie, Its clear how overwhelming everything is feeling, and I really understand how much your hurting if SI is the only thing that seems to help. You must be in so much emotional pain if the physical pain is easier to bear :'( Im really glad you have your moms support, but it sounds like you cant turn to her completely coz your afraid of what will happen once you start opening up (like, having to answer all the questions)... it must be so hard keeping everything bottled up inside. You mentioned that SI is the only thing youv found that helps, so that makes me think youv been searching for different ways to cope with all the emotional pain...? Has anything other than SI helped (even a little bit)? I don't know if itd be helpful to you, but heres a link to some ideas: http://self-injury.net/information-recovery/recovery/distractions I can really hear that your trying to find ways of coping that dont involve SI, and want to support you in that search! Im worried about you Callie... you seem to be struggling mostly alone :( Im so glad you have your animals (although, there seems to be some sadness there to), and Im happy your connecting with us here, but Im wondering if youv been able to talk to anyone else? Its been a few days since you posted - how you've been doing? Remember, we're hear for you Callie... stay connected. the Support Team | ||
| Callie Member Mon, 25 Jun 2012 6:01pm | Other than the people I've had to tell, like the police and lawyer, I haven't really talked to anyone about it, as it can be embarrassing sometimes, as I feel impure because of what happened(and embarrassing for other reasons that no one knows of). | ||
| Support Team Administrator Wed, 27 Jun 2012 1:36pm | Hi Callie, I really get a sense of how isolated you are with your thoughts and feelings... I imagine it almost feels like no one would or could understand :( Im really glad your connecting here. It sounds like your using self-injury to cope with what you've been through. Im curious, have you ever really wanted to SI but couldnt (for whatever reason)? What did you do? I was also wondering... before you starting using SI, if you were really upset or stressed out, what helped you cope? We're hear to help Callie... how do you think we can help you? Stay strong... the Support Team | ||
| Callie Member Wed, 27 Jun 2012 6:35pm | Any time I've wanted to SI but couldn't in my normal way, I've spear found something like pressing my nails into my palm or other things like that. As far as stress before, I've never really had much stress before this. | ||
| Support Team Administrator Sat, 30 Jun 2012 2:16pm | Hey Callie, I can really hear how desperate things must be for you right now, feeling so much anxiety. It sounds like whoever assaulted you threw you into the middle of a lake of pain, when you weren't able to swim, and you've had to search for your own ways to stay afloat. It seems like you're still feeling a great deal of shame and agony around the assault, and that you're searching for a way to remove those feelings. I'm hearing that SI is the one thing that you've found that helps to hold the pain back. I get the sense, though, that the memories are just too much, and SI might not be working as well as it was. I can hear how hard things are for you, Callie. You've had the (great) strength to tell your Mom about what happened, and you've tried your hardest not to SI, but the pain keeps coming. It sounds like your animals are a huge support for you. What else keeps you going? We're glad that you're connecting with us. We won't be answering the forum or chats from the 1st to the 7th of July, but feel free to post. There are other youth out there who might get a lot out of your words. :) Stay strong, the Support Team | ||
| FindStrengthInPain Member Sat, 30 Jun 2012 10:54pm | Callie, i haven't really posted before, but after reading your story.. i can get where you're coming from. i was sexually assaulted over a year ago, and every once in a while something will trigger me and it's like i'm right back in those woods. It's terrifying. And its so hard because some people just don't seem to get it. Lots of people actually. And the worst is that everyone just like assumes that after a couple months, everything's fine. IT'S NOT. Flashbacks are hell. Self-harm was what i turned to too, especially since i know what you mean about keeping some things inside. i hate hate hate that i still feel ashamed about parts of it. It was not my fault. And i hope you know that you are not to blame either. EVER. But gaah. it's so hard. Keeping those secrets inside eats away at you. :( That being said, these last few months (mostly after i hit one year) have been waaay better. i pretty much haven't SI'd since March. Which is definitely hard, but it gets easier every day. i'm not exactly sure what helped to change everything.. i did try counseling, and honestly, as terrifying and hard as it was to actually start talking, it did help. At least to prove that i wasn't crazy. Besides that, i guess time. i'm slowly learning to love myself again (as stupid as that sounds). Please believe me that you are worthy and capable of love too. Don't give up. Also, i don't know if it'll help, but two songs that got me through were were 'the cave' by mumford and sons, and 'perfect' by pink. I know they're kind of old now.. but there was a time was i literally just played them on repeat. | ||
| Callie Member Sun, 22 Jul 2012 7:21pm | I had another really bad day. I kept seeing his face and hearing his voice during band camp. I had a flashback in the middle of a band rehearsal, which made for an extremely awkward situation, as I had to either prend I just spaced out or to explain that I have PTSD. Thankfully the instructor didn't ask, he just told Me not to do it again. Days like that are what really make me want to SI or kill myself. I didn't get to the point of doing or trying either of those things that day, but I really wanted to. I just get so confused as to what I should do on days like that. | ||
| Support Team Administrator Wed, 25 Jul 2012 9:59am | Hey Callie, That sounds absolutely terrifying.. I can hear how vivid these flashbacks are, and how they seem to spring up at the worst times. With the way that they seem to take over your whole mind, I imagine you're constantly on edge for when the next one will appear, which would make it hard to connect to the people you're around, especially if they don't know about the PTSD and the sexual assault. I'm guessing that it only makes it more isolating that when you come out of one of these flashbacks, you have to pretend you were just spacing out... I imagine that it still feels like you're still fighting against your attacker all alone. :( I can also hear that these flashbacks, and the isolation that they create, made it so much harder to fight against SIing and suicide. I'm sensing how much strength there is in you though to continue fighting so hard... what did you do to resist the urge that day? I'm glad you're reaching out to youthspace - we're here for you as you try to find ways to keep yourself safe. Stay connected, The Support Team. | ||
| Callie Member Sun, 3 Feb 4:36pm | Well, a lot has happened since I last posted, but a quick summary is that my mom found out about my SI. It's been a little easier not to SI now that she knows I did, but I still get urges and I can't always tell her, even when I really want to. I've also been to see a psychiatrist and it was determined that I do not have depression, but I was given a rescue medication to take if I was feeling overwhelmed, as that is the main feeling associated with my SI. Anyway, today I was looking through a scrapbook and found pictures of me and my attacker together, when everything was fine. The pain I felt from seeing his face in a photograph makes me very scared about what is going to happen when I see him in court. I want to tell someone, but I can't seem to talk about it, and I'm afraid that I'd I tell my mom she'll say we can't go through with the lawsuit. | ||
| Support Team Administrator Tue, 5 Feb 6:44pm | Hey Callie, I get a sense that you're relieved you don't have to hide your SI from your mom to the extent you used to, and at the same time feel guilty every time you get the urge to SI but can't talk to her about it. I would imagine you're hopeful that the rescue medication will help you cope when you're overwhelmed and take the edge off your urges to SI. Has it been helpful for you so far? I can hear how stuck between a rock and a hard place you feel, between the agonizing fear of facing your attacker again and the awful question whether seeking support from your mom will make her stop you from going to court. It sounds to me like despite your fears you feel very motivated to pursue pressing charges against him, but are at a loss as to how to cope with all the feelings that will bring up for you. Is there anything you've tried in the past to help you find calm when those fears and flashbacks flare up? Would they work for you now? Thank you so much for checking in with us and letting us know where you're at...keep connecting, Callie, and keep strong. the Support Team | ||
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