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Even wondered what it would be like...?
| Support Forum > Relationships & Family > Even wondered what it would be like...? |
| peace.love.music Member Mon, 21 Dec 2009 8:37pm | My Mom was recently diagnosed with cancer. Sometimes, I just want to cry and cry forever, but sometimes I can't even feel it. I can't feel anything. I can't cry, and when I laugh it feels hollow/empty. I can't even feel Christmas, which is horrible because I am a Christmas freak and it's really important to me. It feels like people have knocked me to my knees with no way to get back up. I brought home really great marks before the holidays, but I don't know how I got them, because I can't focus or concentrate and I'm always forgetting stuff I never would otherwise, like song artists, books and handing in my homework. If I do stupid stuff, my Mom thinks I'm doing it on purpose and she won't believe me when I tell her I can't focus properly because of those marks. My parents always say they didn't care what marks I made, as long as I'm trying my best, but I know they'll always prefer an A to a C. They also think my best is incredibly high, so if I tell them I got something like 83% they'll be worried. They don't put pressure on me directly, but I feel like I need to be perfect now because my Mom's cancer gets worse when she's stressed. The principal of my school also called me into her office to praise me on my report card. I am now not allowed to fail. It's true even though no one's said it. I am going insane here. I need a change of scene. I have one place I LOVE LOVE LOVE to be, more than anywhere else on Earth (a country in Europe, I'd rather not say). Right now, my Mom gets tired so quickly from the chemo that we can barely go grocery shopping, nevermind going back to Europe. I know if I was back There, I would feel at one with everything, corny as that sounds. Another thing is that, I have to read deep, dark stuff. I will also read "fluffy" teenage novels, but I would think with my Mom so sick I couldn't read anything with the slightest bit of sad in it. It's quite the opposite, the darker the better, and I'm worrying where that's going to lead, as I have considering self-harm before, although I am quite clear now that is completely insane, so don't worry about that one. I'm supposed to be talking to a counsellor, but everytime I do, I feel like nothing's wrong. It's like when you have a stomachache and as soon as your Mom drives you to the doctor's office, you feel better, and then when you get there you're like "Oh, sorry, it went away on the way here." When I'm at school, I feel like this messed-up kid who has friends but no group. When I'm talking to adults I don't feel like that. I feel like an A average daughter of a proud parents who has people skills and no issues whatsoever and is coping with her Mother's diagnosis. I don't understand at all. I also constantly analyze and look for patterns in people's behaviour, and to be honest, I am starting to get on my own nerves. I think my head is going to explode pretty soon, or implode. I'm not really sure what imploding would look like though. | ||
| peace.love.music Member Mon, 11 Jan 7:51pm | um hello...? | ||
| Support Team Administrator Tue, 12 Jan 9:16am | Hey peace.love.music, Our apologies for missing a response to you over the holidays :( It looks like you're under a LOT of stress right now - with mom, with school, but also with worrying about what all this stress and the way you're coping actually means. We're so sorry to hear that your mom has cancer :( We can imagine that there are others reading this forum who can relate to having a loved one who is very sick, and we know that for most people, having a loved one with cancer can feel as badly as being diagnosed with cancer yourself. We're glad to hear that self-harm doesn't feel like an option for you - how else have you been coping? Are the books you read (both dark and fluffy) any comfort to you when you're feeling miserable? We also hear your confusion about what happens when you go talk to a counsellor - it's like your stress comes and goes in waves and they don't 'seem' to be as big when you're actually sitting down and talking. Are there particular things you'd like to say to your counsellor when you see him/her? What's the biggest burden you have that you haven't yet shared? Take good care, The Support Team | ||
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