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No need for reading really :)
| Support Forum > Suicide & Self-Harm > No need for reading really :) |
| Isabel Member Sun, 17 Jan 1:57pm | It usually feels too wrong to feel, to even think of some things. You feel like you should hide, as you are a monster, too weird and unnacceptable to be among other human beeings. To even step on the society. My psic used to say that I always say "People feel that... people think that... We always do..." - and never talk as myself, never saying "I feel that... I think that... I always do...". She said it was like I though I had no value, that I wasn't enough to support my own idea - trying not to exist. She was good enough for me to stop going. Yes, she was right. Yes, yes, it was getting harder and harder, and session after session, it felt as I was walking with my feet inside of concrete, wich was getting more solid every day. Until one day, I couldn't move. My life, could tear her appart. She was such a nice lady, helping so many people for only a few bucks, as too many couldn't pay. She had two kids, when doctors declared impossible; and they were her pride and joy, in the most humble way. She was not the person I wanted to stain with my memories, worry with my pain. That is how I left. I'm becoming good at leaving, I admit. I'm sorry I worried her. I have always felt "wrong". And guilty for such. Maybe here I won't. I am no one, and by thinking that no one will read this, or if so, read it as if it was a science fiction bulletin, I am able to actually write. Yes, I am still a human - I have the painfull need of feeling cared for, beeing heard, understood maybe - at the very same time I avoid company, never tell my pain, and yes, feel like I'm too much of a wrong, too weird, too horrible to be understood. "If someone could understand my pain, it would mean they have felt it as well.. I don't want that! It's too horrible, I don't want anyone to feel this bad!!" It's like I'm some kind of contradiction, twisted contradition. I myself, can bring myself down just by thinking. And I think. A lot. Maybe I will write a text so big, no-one will read. Hah, that sounds appealing :) Well, feeling better. Thanks for the space. I guess you all know the reason I wrote this in this section, bad thoughts, bad feelings, but no action. I'm ok. | ||
| AfterYourHeart Member Tue, 19 Jan 10:58pm | Isabel, I heard you. I think you are worth listening to. I know this is probably a long shot, but if you want to write to someone rather than anyone or no one, please email me. * My name is Courtenay and I think you have something to offer. *Edited by the Youth Team - As a reminder, please do not post identifying or contact information as we will edit it to keep this site a safe place :) | ||
| Youth Team Moderator Thu, 21 Jan 5:46pm | Hey Isabel, I am glad you felt as though you could express how you are feeling here on the forum. I can imagine that it must be difficult to open up to people when you believe that you may be worrying them. There is that worry there that you may cause someone else pain by sharing your own pain, and i can imagine that this can be a lot to deal with. Even to the point where you feel as though your own thoughts bring you down. Your concern to protect those around you really shines through. Is there anyone that you have been able to share how you are feeling at this time? You also mentioned that there were "bad thoughts" and "bad feelings" for you, what do these thoughts and feelings have you doing? I really hear the pain you are experiencing through your thoughts. As well you talked about there being "no action", is there thoughts of suicide at this time? Take good Care Isabel ~Keer~ From the Youth Team | ||
| Isabel Member Fri, 22 Jan 12:12am | [*Before you read me, please promise me you will stop reading me forever if my words ever bring you down or hurt you. Thanks*] I blushed. On the first day after my post, I ran here, with my heart bumping hard of so nervous - but it calmed down, as first and second days passed by with me unnoticed. Today, when I came check my email, and saw two reply warnings, and came here and did read the answers, I blushed. I am still blushed, and my heart seems to be in a rush for something I'm not aware of. Which may be stupid - this is a forum, and I wrote on it; so obviously people could eventually read and answer. But still I feel like I was on the street unnoticed, and suddenly I was being stared at. Sorry. I guess my wish of disappearing may be getting stronger. AfterYourHeart and Keer, thanks for reading, and thanks for answering. Courtenay, first of all, ~ Please remember how special you are, and take care of your heart more (or at least as much) than you take care of all our hearts. Because sometimes when you take all the heaviness of those around us, day after day, they get lighter, but you are left a bit down, "bleeding" a bit from their wounds and pain, having some of their weight on your shining heart, which is tough, but delicate at the same time. And you know that we will all always have our bad days, our silly thoughts - so your words help us pass by all those moments and help us get back on our feet, but for that, you need to take care of your heart! Not over-weighting it, not over-encumbering it, but instead: letting it be all shiny and floaty, like I think your heart gets when you are helping us. Why? Because it is what helps us best. Take care of your heart, it is precious to us all. And now answering you; Thanks. By my life experience, I may be worth listening, yes; but I wont listen to myself. I do tend to let people down, to some kind of limit Courtenay, when telling people about my life, problems, memories, and so on. Sometimes, I feel like I can relate to a turtle, a old one, which saw everything pass by, happen, stop happening, and happen again. Plus, sometimes I get to be slow as well. And in a few years I will have the wrinkles to match. Then, I will go on eBay to buy a cheap turtle shell, and I'll be good to go. :) So, about burying you on my problems and its derivations, I'll have to say "let it pass". But, if you need a word, I am here. Actually, I am used to be friend but not to have them, maybe I can help you with my words, and by reading yours. I hope so. And again, thanks. Your offer for helping me, reading me, talking to me.. Was and is worth gold. Keer ~ Thank you for all the understanding, all the sensibility you poured on my words. It is hard, yes. I can't count how many friends, I got away from, as I wasn't ok and didn't wanted them to see and feel, and get personal with my problems and so. From the few, so few, that I ever told about a feeling, or a problem, one just accused me of wanting attention, other said it wasn't true and that she wanted to go out have fun and drink, and the other one, started to get away (which I don't blame, and I'm sorry, so sorry for telling him of so much of my pain, I regret what I did hurt him with it). I always, always, suffered to myself, in private. Only I, and those on the other side of the action, knew. Even injuries, I took care by my own 5 year old "wiseness". I can't recall saying I was hungry. Nor asking for a gift. I remember clearly how my 7 year old cheeks were burning red, of shyness, of feeling that I was disturbing, of wanting so badly to disappear while I was sitting on that table with the nuns, at almost 11 p.m., after they made me accept dinner, no matter how many "no, thank you, I'm ok, he'll be here soon, I don't need to eat, I'm ok, no really, thanks" I gave them. I remember yes, how I would try the best of me to focus on the TV, so that my face would cool down, so that my throat would ease up for me to swallow, so that the tears would NOT even show. The worst, what would make me freeze on that chair, were the questions. "No please!!" I would think all the time. I thought, more as a wish than as truly believing in it, that if I focused hard enough on the TV, they wouldn't interrupt me with questions. Silly. They would always show up and make me die somehow. So yes, it is hard for me to share, indeed. And yes, this may be considered improvement, even if online, and in an anonymous way. Even if I feel that at any moment my heart is going to burst and fly away from my chest, to some place far away, on the horizon. And that I might follow, right after. The pain of causing pain with my pain, is indeed painful. (funny sentence oh my :P ) I have to live on the edge, between what I can take up without my heart stop beating of so much beating, and getting a bit of help so that I don't go insane once and for all. The only, only single person, on this whole Universe, to which I have ever in my whole life been able to tell my feelings to (even if only after many hours, even days), and ask for help when too desperate, is X. That makes me cry, and I try my best not to be heavy, and at the same time I try to fight that automatic side of me - because he is the one I love, I am supposed to share, and he is supposed to share. i have to give the example, how can i ever ask someone for something, when i don't do it myself? So I have learned for the first time, ever, to look into myself, to try to analyze what could I feel, why did it hurt, etc. As yes, when a child, I did turn off my feelings. It does worse as the years pass by, but must have been my own way to cope every single day, and survive. But he, sometimes, confuses me. I cannot, sadly, count on him. Because as soon he may be wanting me, as soon he may be pushing me away, as soon he promises to come have lunch at my place, as soon it's 5 p.m. and neither has he arrived, neither did he tell me he isn't coming at all. After almost 2 years of despair and tears, and of receiving despise at those moments, I realized that the bad moments, I must be able to make em by myself. Only on terribly bad moments, when I can't seem to make it, I may try to get some help from him, if I'm not annoying him too much. The other people, who may deserve, I can't seem to be able to talk to about anything related to me. I seem to be defective, and I'm sorry for that, I am. So much. About the "bad thoughts" and "bad feelings", they don't have me doing anything anymore. I can't hurt others anymore by hurting myself, neither go back to something which is so hard to get out of, so, no action, yes. Tears, pain, pain, but with no noise and no one knowing. And despair, of course. But no action. Thoughts of suicide at those times? Yes, and not only. But then again, I can't hurt others. So, yes, only thoughts. But I'm ok, I'm used to it. Gosh is nice to write a bit. Thanks for providing this space to all of us. Thanks for everything, Keer. Really :') More than reading my text, you seem to read my person. Take care as well, please. ~Isabel | ||
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