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| Support Forum > Suicide & Self-Harm > =/ |
| Anonymous Member Thu, 4 Mar 12:37am | I am so scared of posting this. I know it's stupid, but I keep thinking of what will happen if someone finds out... Self harm is a recent thing for me... I don't know how long it's been because I try to not keep track. Perhaps only a couple months, though it feels like years. It's kind of calming. I can focus on just that, and though I actually feel worse, I also almost feel better. Also, it is kind of like "Hey, I'm fucked up anyways, so why not?!" I know that it doesn't help anything, not really. I've helped many people through their SI, I was a peer counsellor. It's so different being on the other side of things though. I'm trying to stop. I think. I want to stop, i'm pretty sure. On one hand, I want to stop. I'm trying... and i'm trying to get myself help. But on another hand, i'm not giving all I could to this, and I know it. Part of me is staying bottled, and not trying, because on some level, I want this. I don't want to get better, I just want to get worse and worse. Because, maybe, if I get bad enough, I can stop caring. Just say "Screw this, I give up. Nothing matters anymore." The thought of being able to do that appeals to me far more than it should. Fortunatly for my well-being, I am not courgeous enough to just give up. No, I am not talking about suicide, I haven't even considered killing myself. I don't know what you can do to help.. I don't even know if I can be helped, not until i'm ready to give it my all. But i'll never be able to give it my all until I try [even though i'm bound to fail until i'm ready to give it my all]. Am I making any sense? I have a tendency to ramble on and on and make no sense. | ||
| Youth Team Moderator Mon, 8 Mar 8:26pm | Dear Anonymous, First of all I just want to say how glad i am that you were able to reach out to youthspace. It can be very scary sharing something so painful that is happening for you, and to not know what is going to happen if someone finds out. As I read your post I got the sense that you are being pulled between the feelings of wanting to stop self harming, and the feeling of "why not" when it is calming for you. This must be a difficult place to be in. It must be so confusing to want to get help but also wanting to just say "screw this". Because you mentioned your were fearful of anyone finding out about what is going on for you at this time, I am wondering if there has been anyone you have been able to share what is going on for you and how you are feeling? Take care ~Keer~ from the youth team | ||
| Anonymous~ Member Tue, 9 Mar 7:41am | Keer, Thanks for taking the time to respond! Yeah, that's pretty much it. I mean... I know it doesn't help anything. And I know that I need to stop. And I know that I want to stop....sort of. There's been a few people that i've talked to about this... but not really. And nobody that I see often, if at all. | ||
| Youth Team Moderator Wed, 10 Mar 4:14pm | Anonymous, I can really understand how confused you must be with your feeling the need to stop but yet this is what is working for you at this time. Also, I would like to invite you to chat in anytime you would like more support or just to chat with someone about what is going on for you. If you click on the chat icon you can find a calandar of times when there are people here at youthspace to chat with if this is something you are interested in. Take care ~Keer~ from the youth team | ||
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