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  • #16358

    morge18
    Member

    I need this more than anything at this moment. Will I regret what I’m about to explain, not sure, all I know is I’m conflicted and confused. Sorry for any explicated imaginary and details of what I’m about to explain. I just need to act like a well-rounded-minded-adult here with my feelings. Would the world hate me in return? Sometimes I do feel it does. My past actions and behaviors don’t have a solid explanation therefore I should have never let it go that far. It got out of control, my behavior lead me in situations of complete stupidity on my part. I’ll admit things back then were out of control, or it seemed that way for me, which ever it was, it’s now affecting me. I’ll openly explain everything to only try to understand for myself.

    I started to engage in sexual behaviors at a young age*, not a massive deal, right? I had Friends with Benefits Friend and we would get together twice a week for a few months on and off.

    I then was sexually involved with someone only once, no sexual intercourse intended, just safe sex*.

    I then had sexual relations with someone outside of Canada.

    My Friends with Benefits Friend and I were engaging in sex, I told him I wasn’t in the mood anymore and to stop. He was* trying to talk me back into continuing. He insisted* I said I don’t want to do it anymore. He forced me*; asking him to stop. He eventually stopped and he questioned of what happened and that having sex would help me feel better.

    I started to seek sex online. I created countless accounts to porn sites and dating sites which lead to someone taking a train down to me just to have a one night stand, he forced me into having sex; I gave in.

    My roommate’s friend was over, he and I started to talk. He picked me up; I did sexual acts to him for about 2 months, last time I saw him we engaged in sexual acts*. He drove me home.

    My brother-in-law and I have a secret, he asked me for sex; I said yes. My sister’s fiancée and I agreed to have sex. I couldn’t carry it out anymore; I told him I just can’t. He expressed he’s sexually frustrated with everything.

    My one roommate had moved away and he came back. I gave him money to him so he can buy beer for me. I got “drunk” and flirted with him, ended up sleeping with him. I had a sexual relationship with him for about a month.

    I went into a relationship not knowing his coercion my body; he didn’t like the fact of wearing a condom or me being on birth control. He lied about the condom broke and told me days later and at the same time, finding out he cheated on me, used drugs and was trying to purposely get me pregnant.

    My Friends with Benefits Friend came back and we hung out, we joked about having sex in a public place, beside a dentist office under an evergreen tree. He came over and asked me why we had public sex then he tried to seduce me, forcing me on my bed and me refusing to give in to his struggling. He left.

    I slept with a co-worker who was married (at the time he filed divorce) and had children, we had unprotected sex; I lied about having condoms with me.

    Confession; I have an addiction with sex. Sex became so painful for me to bear that it became something more than painful. I was sexually abused as a child by my father. I was told things, he drugged me, he used me; I now use myself. Various forms of SI* and sleeping 2 days away never helped me but having sex. I had sex because it never hurt me; I never felt any of it. I feel pressure. I don’t feel pleasure, I feel safe with the guy on top of me like he won’t hurt me, ever.

    Now, I’m seeking it again I haven’t done a signal thing for the past 4 months. I found a guy who said I’m welcome to come to his place whenever to have sex. I’m hoping to meet a different guy near where I live.

    I blame others for this. I’ve been trying to get help but no, they turn their heads at me or I’m on a wait list of a year for counselling. I’ve tried to explain I need help, they don’t think I’m in need.

    Most of the time my head feels like it’s about to explode. I need it so badly. Masturbating has become boring and bland. *It’s consistently on my mind.

    *edited by the Support Team for specific and triggering content.

  • #18424
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hey DashingDaisy,

    I want to start out by explaining that while we have edited some of your post to protect other youthspace users, the Support Team has heard and considered your every word in responding. We totally understand how helpful it can be to write everything out, and we tried to preserve the heart of your story while staying true to our guidelines (which keep youthspace a safe place for all young folks). I can hear how heavily your memories of these sexual experiences are weighing on your mind right now; I’m wondering whether you have ever used the forum at Scarleteen? (http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum/ultimatebb.cgi) Their m.o. is sex and sexuality, and I imagine they can speak to some of what you have expressed here in a much more knowledgeable way. Also, I invite you to seek support on our live chat from 6pm-11pm West coast time; we are able to more readily approach some of the triggering content you’ve expressed in a one-on-one chat.

    I’m hearing fear in your voice, that the world might hate you or judge you for the things you have done. I get a sense that a part of you is angry at yourself for being unable to control your behavior in the past, and on top of that you are angry at your father for what he did to you, and at others for being unable or unwilling to help you out of that cycle. I can hear that you are feeling right on the edge of what you can stand, and I imagine it’s scary to think of what’s to come.

    It sounds like you have tried a number of different ways to SI, and I get the sense that sex has become the ultimate SI method for you. I’m hearing that you aren’t seeking it out for pleasure, but to relieve the pressure of fear and doubt and betrayal that builds up inside you. I’m wondering how it felt for you to be abstinent for four months? I would guess you are feeling terribly alone and isolated, being put on such a long waitlist for counseling and given the message you are not in need. I’m so glad you’re reaching out and seeking some support, DashingDaisy.

    Stay connected…

    the Support Team

  • #18434

    morge18
    Member

    A co-worker and I went out to a bar together October 10th to play pool. Little did I know what was ahead of me would change me for the better? Playing pool was extremely fun, my body clicked then, this amazingly figure showed up, it was the most powerful thing I could imagine seeing and feeling. I saw him and I was breathless and struggling to keep breathing, was I head over heels for this person? No. Friend and I continued to play pool and talked basically enjoying everything. This feeling washed over me, floods of feelings entered me. The moment I walked in the bar I felt this strong pull, I didn’t know where it was coming from or why. I was approached by a bar tender asking me how I was and if I had any questions, why would I have questions for a bar tender? The evening went on feelings grew. I saw this guy who made those feelings stronger, very confused as to why I’m reacting the way I am. Little did I know, things would make a turn for the better?

    I got introduced to the owner of the bar. Not a big deal right? I couldn’t see his appearance, it was foggy, I felt foggy. The feelings took over me. I still was confused. I then ordered a shot and the owner took my order. He asked me, “How old do you think I am…” Hmmm, I said, “Well you look like your 38,” he didn’t say anything he then continued to talk. He tried to talk my friend in buying me the shot; I said I can pay for it. I gave him my ID and he is like, “What is this for…” Me I’m like in a sarcastic voice, “It’s my ID for my age, duh.” He looked at it for like a signal minute and gave it back to me. He did tell me, I was right for his age. I was blown away, it was just a guess. I bought my shot and before I left, he’s like, “Hey, I wanted to say your very beautiful.” I smiled and said, “Thank You,” walked to the pool table.

    So I and co-worker were in a deep conversation when… when… “Are you signal?” I turn around and I’m like, in my mind who the hell is asking me that, I turn and see it was the owner. I said, “Yea,” he gives me his number telling me to call if I wanted to or I could throw it away.

    I’m now seeing the owner of the bar. I’m not sure what relationship we’re in. Him and I cuddle, hang out, watch tv shows/movies, sleep together and have sex. I’ve been seeing him for two weeks now. Last night I spent the night with him. He took me to his bar, me I was scared shitless for being judged for being young and seeing him. His friend came out to the truck and opened the door and, basically convinced me to come inside. I told him I don’t want to be judged because I’m young and he isn’t. He told me, “Who gives a fuck what others say don’t let them to.” We played darts, pretty fun stuff.

    We then leave to go back to his place; I made cranberry vodka drink and had two of them. All I remember is watching a movie (don’t remember the movie name) then we’re basically having sex. It was amazing.

    When I was seeing him (we’re not dating but just hanging out and having sex) I saw a different person, the guy and I almost had sex if his father never came home I would have had sex with him. Not even 24hrs I had sex and I’m about to have sex again with someone else in a 24hr period. Then, the day after I’m back in M’s bed.

    The sex I have with M is all unprotected he uses the pull out method. I am being tested next week for Chlamydia and Gonorrhea with pregnancy and if things come back fine my doctor is faxing over a script for the Patch. I’m still going to have unprotected sex even when I’m on the Patch, I hate condoms.

    I’m so fucking paranoid over what others may say or think. I’m scared of others judgements.

  • #18443

    morge18
    Member

    I had went to M’s bar Friday 19th with him I was hesitant in going in so I waited in his truck, I was in fear of others judging me. M’s friend came out and opened the door so I just went inside and enjoyed playing darts with him and others.

    So Monday I’ve been up since 2pm and I worked Monday night and my shift was done Tuesday morning and my co-worker asked me if I know M and she explained I need to be careful because a girl who M was seeing before me her friend saw M and I at his bar together and she told A this. A is now pissed of at me (I don’t know her) she knows my age and where I work. A’s mother is one of the managers where I work and she told A it’s M’s life and she isn’t with M, this is what my co-worker was telling me. Also, other girls who tried to get with M but M never did are jealous along side of A.

    I then texted M about what was going on. He said she is a jealous person because he wasn’t with her anymore.

    Yesterday (Tuesday) I took the bus to this service for addictions, me I arrived an hour early and I dislike waiting especially anything that has to do with personal stuff. I literally was on the verge of a melt down, so I left and had more cigarettes (I must of smoked 10 cigarettes within 2 hours) so I’m in the room, it was my turn and I explained I want to remain anonymous and said I’ve been struggling with addictions for the past 2 years, different variety of addictions and that I’ve never had any help for the past 3 years or longer and then being told they can’t help me. I sat there looking at my hands. I couldn’t sit there anymore, I was falling asleep and others talking about drugs and alcohol was the main focus. I randomly without thought said I needed to go and this wasn’t for me. The lady beside me looked concerned or something. I pretty much squeezed past the chairs and table and the head person who was leading the meeting (he’s also the person who I talked to on the phone last week) and from there I talked with someone. I have a intake in January for the person who was leading the meeting and after that I would have to wait a few weeks to have my first appointment.

    After I had a viewing for a room (have to move December 1st) and got home and slept about an hour and got up felt sick and tired called in sick, I had to go in due to someone never called in and was a no show. 2 hours into my shift I left very ill. I went to M’s and past out.

    My friend has a birthday party at M’s bar and now I’m in fear of going to just get bashed because I’m hanging with M. M and I aren’t dating, we hangout enjoy each other and have sex. Saturday morning was the last night M and I had sex and I’m dieing for sex, I’m going through withdrawal. My sleep sucks. I slept like 8 hours last night.

    The Hell!!!

  • #18449
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hey Dashing Daisy,

    Sounds like a lot has been happening for you! How are you coping with the ups and downs… what’s helping you keep everything together?

    Im worried about you being bashed by M’s ex (and others?) – jealousy is a scary emotion. From what you wrote before, you sound worried about the opinions that other people have of your relationship (whatever it is). I can really understand how much it frustrates and scares you to think about what others think and say (and do) about it when they don’t really know what’s going on. Theres so much judgment in our world :(

    Before, it sounded like you were somewhat angry at the role that sex played in your life; it sounded like you felt urges that you wish you didn’t have and were frustrated that you were obliged to seek sexual partners to satisfy you. Now though, I’m hearing that you’re enjoying your time with M, including the sexual intimacy? I would imagine that it’s a relief to find a person who can satisfy your urges, and be fun to hang out with? You also mentioned your experience at the addiction services group… even though you have so much frustration, you keep fighting for help… your determination is incredible – you go! Its inspiring :)

    Stay strong DashingDaisy. I know these are times of change for you… know you’re not alone.

    the Support Team

  • #18459

    morge18
    Member

    ***Pass a cigarette over?***

    ***Inhale. Exhale.***

    No one has bashed me. I’m a screw up beyond everything. Shit keeps happening to me. Or so, I’m causing this shit, I blame myself for everything, I blame my addiction on others who caused me to have the addiction though.

    I got into a car of a man, he drove me to his apartment, we drank I didn’t find him attractive and my father started to haunt me. I made an excuse to leave, nothing happened. My world crashed and crumbled beneath me. My father hauntings don’t always get to me to the point I’m having a melt down, but I did. It was dark out, sitting on a bench, crying to the point I’m just about to scream. I texted M telling him I’m sorry to bother him and told him I’m upset and sitting on a bench crying. He told me to come over he didn’t want me to be sitting on the bench outside in the dark. I spent the night with him, I went home for 2 hours to shower and check things online and went back to his place for dinner and breakfast this morning.

    My cousin sent me a message telling me Grandma isn’t doing well. A month ago she had 2 tumors and brain and lung cancer stage 1. A month goes by and my cousin informed me she now has stage 4 cancer, 4 tumors, she can’t move nor talk and has had a few strokes. I get this message last night I started to cry, M is beside me sleeping. I sat there in “what do I do?”

    M and I talked about him and I. He doesn’t want to call it dating or anything, he basically doesn’t want to put a label on something that him and I are having a good time with each other. He told me he wont cheat on me and he would expect the same thing back and if I did he wants to know. I cheated on him twice. I’m an idiot. He explained him and I are in different stages of our lives, me being 19 and him with a business, 38, our lives are different from on another.

    I’m moving December 1st and I need to put a deposit on the room and pay the rest December 1st. I’m planning on going to see my grandma take a bus there, the ticket there and back is basically almost half my pay every other week. I’m lost. I need to be at work but I need to see my grandma.

    I’m a complete screw up!

  • #18462
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hey DashingDaisy,

    I’m really sorry to hear your grandma isn’t well :( I hope you’re able to figure out how to be with her… the extra pressure of money & rent must just add to your stress.

    From what you said it sounds like your encounter with the man turned really unpleasant and a bit earth-shaking… I’m glad you listened to YOU and left… and went to safety. I’m wondering how you’re feeling about your relationship with M? You mentioned how he sees/wants things, and I’m curious what you think? And sorry, I’m confused, what makes you call yourself an idiot?

    DD (if I may), I hear you beating yourself up for feeling so lost… and blaming yourself for how life goes :( You’re not alone, we’re in your corner… stay strong.

    the Support Team.

  • #18474

    morge18
    Member

    ***Vomit seems painful***

    ***Thoughts of…***

    Things aren’t going well for me *can someone pass me a drink?* which in fact has gotten me, well I feel… unhealthy. It’s gotten really hard to deal with things. I thought it would get better, it’s not. I can’t mask my feelings in this what would that do for me?

    Answer: Nothing.

    I found out last week October 27th that Grandma isn’t doing well. I found out more the next day before a shift at work. I felt down and worried I thought work would help me ease my thoughts and make me busy. One day of the week I work in the front on cash. My co-worker which I work with isn’t a bad person but she just, doesn’t let me do the cash and she never punches the order in, what the costumer wants in their drink then she tells me, while I’m working on 2 or more drinks. When I’m at the cash she talks over me with her hand on my shoulders or pushes me aside. I had enough of this I went to the manager. She does this to everyone even to the managers, even to the two main bosses. So Sunday 28th was hard for me.

    I got off work at 11pm and went to M’s and I didn’t say much of what was going on. I called my cousin and he gave me my brother’s number, found out Grandma had stage 1 cancer 2 tumors to stage 4 cancer with 4 tumors. One (1) small one on her lung and three (3) on her brain. M told me I’m strong and it was okay to cry. Usually someone needs to tell me it’s okay to cry then I cry a lot, this time I hardly cried. M held me in his arms and rocked me back and fourth. M asked me if I wanted to get out, go somewhere. I said yea.

    M drove me to another Province to see the bridge and we went downtown to see the Parliament building lit up and we met with his friend at a club. M and I danced, I drank 2 beers. I was so emotionally unwell 2 beers made me so intoxicated to the point near the end of the night I don’t remember much, but at the end of the night I was back at M’s. I can’t remember if this happened for sure but, I remember being on top of M and he told me to get off, I didn’t. He shock and said shit, then he took me off him. I got up and felt sick. I had no time to do much. M had to peel me off the blanket and he made sure I was okay and tucked me into bed then cleaned up.

    I left M’s to head to work and ask for a week off. They were very cool with that and told me to be with my Grandma. I got home and M texted me telling me he is driving me 11 hours to see my Grandma. I packed a bag and he picked me up.

    It was hard seeing my Grandma, she slurred her words and they finally transported her to a better hospital for treatment. I left Thursday November 1st on the train back home. M picked me up at the train station. I’ve been at M’s since Thursday, been staying over at his place for the night. Saturday night November 3rd I had a lot to drink. 1 liter of Woodys, 1 shot of mixed shot (vodka and something else) 1 beer, 2 shots of vokda, and 1 shot mixed (vodka and decilia) I had only drank the 1 liter, the one shot of mixed vodka and something else and beer before M and I with his friend went out to M’s bar to play darts. Once there, had 2 shots of vodka and the mixed vodka and decilia.

    I wasn’t scared in going this time. I felt protected being with M. I acted sober the whole time. M and I got back and I’m trying to seduce him, but he wouldn’t due to me being intoxicated and didn’t want me to be sick. During the night, the bathroom floor became my friend, naked and cold beside the toilet multiple times during the night into the late morning. I emptied my stomached and I still managed to empty everything. M walked in the bathroom wondering why I was there. He gave me something for my stomach and a glass of water, both came back up as it went in. He tucked me into bed. My stomach hurt again and I was just getting warm and I’m back in the bathroom throwing up my stomach. I was so sensitive the smell of my own feces made me throw up which I had to in the sink due to the smell. It’s Monday night and I’m still trying to re-cooperate from it.

    I’ve been restricting my eating for the past 2 weeks. Saturday I only consumed about 300 calories that day and went drinking. Sunday I must of consumed 250 calories (drank some Gatorade and ate some ice cream) today, I’ve consumed about 300 calories. I just can’t eat anymore, my stomach hurts and I’ve been taking tums to calm my upset stomach.

    I used to have a big bulge hanging over my waist line from stomach fat, it’s hardly there anymore. When standing and looking in mirror, my back and front looking on the side has gotten small in width. I may be turning to alcohol and struggling with my sex and eating. Last night M and I had sex and this morning as well. It has helped me, ease my mind more.

    Things are hard.

    ***It has to be a dream***

    ***Tell me it’s just a dream***

    Grandma went for Chemo today. The doctors said she may not make it through Chemo or may die after Chemo. Why the fuck would they want her to do Chemo if it’s going to kill her?! My Grandma has a lot of hope, my cousin sent me this message yesterday, “its complicated. she seems to be getting better but her disease is getting worse”

  • #18479
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hey DashingDaisy,

    Im glad your work is giving you some time off to be with your Grandma… how’s she doing? Your cousin’s message gives me a sense of how confusing everything must feel.

    I imagine having M to turn to feels really nice… like you said, protected. Mhmm, it feels so good to be taken care of, and especially when everything feels so fragile. Even though it still seems complicated with M, Im sensing you two are finding your rhythm… how are you feeling about your ‘relationship’ with him?

    You seem really aware that you’re using alcohol and sex and controlled eating to cope with everything… to help ease your mind… Im glad M is looking out for you, but I hope you’re looking out for you, too.

    We’re ‘hear’ for you DD… stay strong…

    the Support Team

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