i posted earlier, in november i think, and a lot has happened since then.
i went to Ledger, which is the youth psychiatric hospital on the island, for 6 weeks, and came out stable for the first time in months.
but here i am, several weeks later, sitting in my room, wanting to die.
earlier this week i finally went to my school counsellor about those feelings and she basically freaked out. my community counsellor was a lot more understanding, but unfortunately it was too late, my school counsellor had freaked out and alerted the administration at school, who are now worried about liability issues and the fact that i might kill myself during school hours.
so this of course definitely makes me feel better about everything, it definitely makes me want to trust my counsellor.
oh and i might not be allowed to go on my grad trip next year.
if i make it.
and that’s how i’m feeling, like i might kill myself at any moment.
like right at this exact moment as i type this i’m absolutely fine and probably won’t take the pills beside my bed.
but i can guarantee that before i’m done writing this i’ll have changed my mind at least once.
and it’s not as simple as getting rid of the pills.
if they’re gone, then i’ll just fine some other method, or i’ll Self Injure. (happy, support team?)
it’s not about the result, it’s about the problem.
and the problem is that i’m bipolar.
i’m bipolar type 2, and i have anxiety, and i am suicidal.
woot.
so life is in tick tock shape already, as you can see.
but anyways, i was writing a suicide note and i realized i couldn’t finish it. because i can’t justify killing myself.
but that doesn’t mean that i don’t feel like shit, doesn’t mean that i’m not sitting here feeling like my only option to make me feel better right now is to die.
i just want to go, to slip away quietly and quickly.
but no one will let me.
and so if you were to ask me whether i planned on ending my life tonight i wouldn’t have an answer.
because i don’t know if something’s going to push me over the edge.
all i know is that something needs to happen.
and i don’t know what.