July 10, 2014 at 3:08 pm #16479
It’s been 6 good months, really good months aside from the normal stress from responsibilities, things have been pretty good. The last month things started to change for me and I couldn’t tell anyone about it and things aren’t good anymore. I can’t handle anymore pressure, flashbacks, and life’s circumstances. I’ve sat in my room thinking not able to go out for a city bus ride because my poor life can’t afford a monthly bus pass and I don’t want to buy a lot of tickets unless I need to go out. All my thoughts wander within my brain in my basement apartment, all alone.
January was when we first started to date some issues happened which we discussed with each other and it got better, much better. Going into a relationship knowing the one thing I dislike most is Social Media and public attention, so you can imagine he must be a really good guy for me to block out the fact he is known and a celebrity within his work. How he deals with social networking accounts because being Public Relations that is what he does. I didn’t like it, I am trying my best. I’ve been teaching him the importance of spending quality time together with myself and his other friends and most importantly his family.
When we first hung out he was so glued to his phone and/or laptop that I was conflicted inside between feeling cheated on and not cared for. After discussing my feelings with him, explaining how it’s affecting me and our relationship he started to make changes. I told him I can’t handle him coming over and doing that, that he needs to tell me if he has a meeting beforehand and not in that moment. Now, he doesn’t do that anymore.
He says he has found his love and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He has used sentences like, “when we have children,” or when we’re sitting with his family he blurted out, “when we have our own children,” which was awkward all around.
A lot has happened in the last month and it’s killing me inside. I’m doubting my life entirely, I’m not understanding anymore, and I just want to give up on everything in my life. I met the most amazing guy that I love and care for and I feel I am throwing it out the door by the way I am acting. I can’t handle it anymore and I’m trying my best to deal with it. It’s getting harder and harder each day to remain calm and not letting my past interfere with my personal life. My past never really interfered this much before and I have no idea what to do.
For the last month I’ve been emotionally manipulating him and making him feel bad. I used to be good at explaining my feelings without hurting others and I’ve become emotionally destructive. Our relationship is really strong and I’m throwing it out the window, I am trying to forgive myself and not allow my past interfere with my personal life.
I am scared only because I don’t want him to be like the abusive parents I grew up with; a mother who painfully ignored me and a father who was very emotionally abusive. My partner isn’t like them at all, I’m seeing characteristics of him as them. When I explained that to him he got upset and was hurt, I never meant to hurt him I was just being honest. Being honest can hurt others even when you want them to understand or be aware what they did hurt me because of it reflecting the same characteristic my parents were. I lost a huge communication aspect of myself and I was only trying to help myself but it only made things much worse.
How do you explain to someone that something they did hurt you only because it reminded me of what my parents had done for years? I tried to explain like when I met up with his friends to meet them. How I felt I wasn’t included. I explained to him. Then meeting more of his friends at a different date. How he stole the spotlight and I sat there listening. Sure, I had no idea what they were all talking about but I did jump in to say a few things when I had knowledge on something. Then, asking him a question and his friends wanted to show him something so I’m like okay he will ask me after. He never did. He focused on them. The way he acted was just like how my mother acted. I went into full blown anxiety attack and needed to use the ladies room just to breathe. I then told myself he needs to know I can’t hang with his friends anymore because it will never work out. How would I tell someone this? I couldn’t tell him until like 24/hrs had passed in order to allow myself to process my thoughts. I hurt him somehow and I never meant to, I wanted to be honest and I guess it hurt him more than it did me.
I’m hurting a lot inside and when I tell someone I love why, it causes conflicts because maybe I am unsure how to tell someone that? How hard it is to have the past I did and someone I love is showing those characteristics which bring more pain to me when he has no idea, so I told him.
July 12, 2014 at 4:06 am #19218
Thank you for sharing your story on our Forum. I’m so sorry to learn about the abuse you endured in the past, you really don’t deserve that.
I can really hear how much you are hurting from the painful experiences in your past and how it’s affecting your relationships in the present. I’m also hearing how confusing it is to know where to go from here. It seems like it has been such a struggle to get here and now that you are here, and for a moment it seems to be good, it continues to be a struggle again . I can imagine that it is very frightening to be in a loving relationship when past relationships still haunt you.
Sounds like the pain that you endured was more than you can bear for a lifetime and you want to do what it takes to protect yourself from similar experiences to be safe from the hurt. Seems like you have come a long way but the pain is still there, and it’s still scary and still hurts. I can hear how sensitive you are to situations that resemble the way your parents treated you. I imagine that all you want is to protect yourself from that, and even in this loving relationship, you feel very alone with the pain. I can hear how much you want the person you love to understand your pain without taking it personally.
I’m really worried about you when you say that you “want to give up on everything in [your] life” and I’m wondering if you are considering suicide as an option. How do you cope when things get so overwhelming?
Please know that we are here for you in Forum and live, every night 6pm-11pm PST, if you want someone to chat with.
We are here for you Wolfwood,
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