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  • #16450

    I know this may sound like a cliche, but everyone hates me.
    I was in a relationship with a really great man.
    I didn’t want to be anymore though, there was something missing. I love him though, I really do. But I wanted to be able to find myself. He didn’t want to let go, so we determined that an open relationship may work.
    My best friend happens to be a male who is fond of me. I knew he was fond of me, but I chose to not do anything about it, I mean I couldn’t lose him. How could I possibly lose him? How could I do that? So I was even stupider and got close to him in fear of losing him.
    He liked me and I ignored it.
    I love him. I love him as my best friend, and yes I kind of like him, but mainly I absolutely love him as a friend. I love him as a friend. He means the world to me.
    I let him get to close. It would have been so hard for me to lose him, he was the only person I had in this new town.
    I made him try and kill himself. I did. I played with everyones emotions. I just wanted everyone to be happy. I wanted to help everyone. I wanted to keep him close, and I wanted to keep my ex close.
    My best friend broke down and it was my fault. In tears claiming his adoration for me.
    To my ex.
    My ex almost broke his hand punching the floor. He was so angry.
    The next day I came over. He was on suicide watch. The night before had tipped him over the edge. After everything I had been doing, he finally broke. I left to get my car to bring him to the hospital. And when I got back. There are no words to describe the fear that was pumping through my veins as I had to let myself into his dead silent house. He was sitting on his toilet, with his hands together ***
    I had caused him to this attempt. I pushed him. Me.
    I drove him to the hospital, I know his parents hate me for what I have done. But they are still more supportive than my mom.
    This happened on the day of my birthday party, and I cancelled it to be with my best friend.
    My ex (who for the record I was dating at this time) was furious. He came to my best friends house after we arrived there back from the hospital. He yelled at me for not telling him what was going on, that I didn’t stay in contact, that I was at his house. And he screamed at me outside, and punched the pillar.
    My ex told my mom what I did. My mom was so visious. She’s ashamed. She called my best friend several times to apologize for my behavior, and say that I wasn’t raised that way.
    She wouldn’t give me a day. I spent the entire day crying. Thinking that I may lose my best friend absolutely killed me. It killed me. I couldn’t believe I did that to him. How did I do that to him? I just wanted to keep everyone happy and close. But I was so selfish. I should have let him go, no matter how much he meant to me. I caused this.
    My mom can’t believe me. the day after the hospital was my birthday. My mom kept saying such mean things. She wouldn’t give me one day. And last time I was there I forgot my phone, and she’s holding it hostage until I go and listen to her insult me, and tell me what she’s telling everyone else. SHe’s already told me several things of how terrible and inhumane I am. And that she can’t believe I did such things. Everything she says comes with an insult about how terrible of a human I was. She made me cry so much, she wouldn’t let me try and catch everything.
    My best friends dad blocked me off his phone.
    My best friend told me that he no longer can see me.
    His mom gave me a good speech that was more supportive than anything my mom said.
    For the past few days, ever since this started, I started self harming ***. I can’t eat because I’m so queasy over the stress. All I want to do is die. Everyone I love has literally turned on me, and I don’t know what to do.
    My ex would have stayed, but I already hurt him too much, and I had to stop hurting him. We are better as friends I guess. But just another person that I completely destroyed. Did I mention I live with him? THat’s a great part of that story.
    I almost killed my best friend. I almost killed him.
    I want to die so badly there are no words, so I thought I would try and write it down, and I found this site and figured it would be as good as place as any to ask for help. Everyone I love hates me. And I’m sick of it. I know the ways I want to die. I’m just too afraid. I guess I’m not too good at putting it in words.
    I couldn’t believe my best friend beat me to it. I wanted to try before him. I wanted to go to the hospital. I wanted to deal with my shit. And then I came and saw him trying to kill himself. My mom would insult me the entire time if I were to go to the hospital. Look what I’ve done with my stupidity, have I learned my lesson?
    She never listened to see that I had. That I regret meeting the people who I love most, because of how much I hurt. I hurt everyone. I just want to leave. I tried helping everyone by being there, but it just made it so much worse. I just want to die. I just want to die. These people deserve so much better

    I apologize that all my thoughts are scattered. I haven’t been able to sleep and am in a mild hectic mood.

    *** Edited by The Support Team for triggering content

  • #19041
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hey charmaine6669, welcome to the forum. I’m glad you found the courage to come here and tell your story, and to ask for help. I’m sorry to hear that all this happened in the days leading up to your birthday :'( I get the sense you were already carrying a huge burden of emotional pain before any of this happened, and now you are completely collapsing into the grief of alienating some of the most important people in your life. I imagine you feel very alone right now, and I want you to know that you have us to rely on when others have turned their backs. We’re here for you.

    It sounds like you feel tremendously guilty for the way things played out, and have been completely taken aback by the way actions and choices you barely had time to comprehend have resulted in a cascade of falling dominoes. It seems as though you’ve been abandoned, sitting in the middle of all these toppled dominoes with no one to help you clean them up or understand how it all happened so quickly.

    I imagine you are mourning the loss of your relationship with your ex, that although you can see there were fault lines in your relationship you weren’t quite ready to let him go, and especially not in the way that it happened. It seems to me that still living with him would make every day a painful reminder of what you’ve lost; do you have anywhere else you can stay? I would guess you also grieve for your best friend and the pain he is going through right now, and can see his pain mirrored in your own. On top of all that, your mom’s reaction must have cut you to the core and felt like the ultimate betrayal, hitting you when you were already down.

    I’m scared for you, to hear how alone you are with your pain and how pressing the thoughts of suicide have become in your mind. It sounds like before your friend attempted to end his life, you felt driven towards seeking help for your own thoughts…but now that drive seems to have left you. Is there anything that’s helped distract you from the thoughts of suicide that you can draw on now to help keep you strong?

    I hope that you will continue to lean on us for support in this difficult time, both here and in the live chat (6pm-11pm PST most days, 6pm-midnight on Fridays and Saturdays). You’ll be in our thoughts.

    <3 The Support Team

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