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  • #16487

    joy
    Member

    Hey well i use to come to this forum a lot like a 1-3 years ago. I was depressed and having self harm issues and stuff and wrote poems. Probably don’t remember me but hey :P

    Well i got better for a a while actually and i started helping people sort of like you guys do.
    But lately I’ve gone a bit down hill i developed some health issues about a year ago that the doctors wont help me with and I’ve been on a wait list for 9 months..

    This also effected my mental , which are becoming very difficult to deal with.
    My eating disorder its not constant im either over-eating or under eating which doesn’t help me physically but its hard to control the controlling behaviors, my anxiety is becoming an issue too.
    Also im becoming more and more depressed and moody like i have very extreme strong emotions and i just keep screwing up my relationships and i now have no friends at all.

    Also i know im gay and its been difficult in the religious family I’ve grown up with so i try to reach out to the safe spaces as much as i can but its increasing difficult because my parents are becoming more nosy. Also my therapist is religious so its hard for me to talk about it with knowing her background.

    I relapsed into self harm after being almost a year and a few months clean and I’ve been hating myself a lot and i have had suicidal thoughts but i would never ever kill myself, i would hospitalize myself voluntarily before even considering it but the thoughts are still hurtful and hard to have. So I Am Safe! :)

    And i guess im telling you this because i feel very stuck and i need to talk about it and i know you guys were so very kind to me and i just need a little bit of that support.

    ~Joy

  • #19237
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Joy,
    I definitely remember you…I’ve been here for a while, and remember reading — and being caught by — your very evocative and emotional poetry. So there you go. :P

    It warms my heart to hear that you felt supported here in the past, and I think it’s wonderful that you’ve been able to sit on the other side of things and give support to other people who were in need of it. That’s pretty cool! I can tell that you believe this kind of empathetic support to be important, and I’m really glad that you continue to reach out when you need it as well. Seriously.

    I can hear that things have been rough in the last while — it sounds like the health issues set off a landslide in your life. From the sounds of it, you’ve gotten trapped in the health care system in a bad way, and I can sense that there has been a great deal of frustration, interminable waiting, and pain associated with getting the medical help you need. I can hear in your words how it has impacted other things, and brought up a few of the struggles you had wanted to leave in the past. Joy, I know that must be really saddening for you, and leave you with a sense of futility and hopelessness…and I would guess that these feelings were a large part of what led you to self-harm after being clean for so long. Is that kind of correct?

    I can hear how disappointed you are with yourself, and with the kind of unravelling you’ve seen in yourself over the last while. I can imagine it feels hugely disheartening after having reached a point where you were doing well…kind of like falling down a mountain you’ve been climbing for a long time, and knowing that you have to climb it all over again now. I get how there are times when you feel so disgusted with yourself, and so unhappy that suicide pops into your head again. I am relieved at how determinedly you have told yourself that it’s just not an option… because I know how HUGE of a promise that can be when you’re hurting so badly. Please know that we’re here for you Joy, as always, and if you do have a moment of crisis, you can text us any evening at 778-783-0177 or chat in (6-11pm PST). <3

    I get the sense that the added challenge having to hide your sexuality from some of the less-than-safe people in your life is casting another shadow over everything right now. I can imagine that the feelings of fear and anxiety that that evokes are feeding back into everything else as well. It seems like at a time when you could really use a strong network around you, you instead find yourself very alone, and unsure whether you can even trust those who are supposed to help you not to judge you for who you are. That sounds frightening and difficult. I can hear how you’re just not prepared right now to handle a negative reaction or judgement of that fact that you’re gay.

    Totally feel free to use youthspace as a safe place to talk about how these things are affecting you, Joy. We’re definitely here to listen. Also, let us know if you’re interested in other online resources to help with coping and working through some of the mental health difficulties. We tend not to push a lot of resources, as we want to listen primarily, but we might be able to dig up some for you.

    -Youthspace (aka The Support Team)

  • #19238

    joy
    Member

    Hi,
    Well the health issues have caused me a lot of anger and sadness and I’ve felt so uncared about i absolutely hate this im the lowest priority to every doctor, there almost all trying to blame my mental health so they don’t have to help me.

    Im on a diet that’s helped a bit with the pain and sickness but im still sick and so i don’t like eating very much because of feeling ill. This also made it real easy to fall into the eating disorder.

    Its really hard on me i have so much going on and the stress is just being stacked on top of me crushing me.
    Im hurting a lot and suicide comes up and it sounds tempting but being on the other side of that i know for myself i couldn’t do that.
    But the self harm was to hard to not do they urges were calling me and i was so triggered all the time, i haven’t done it in about a week though but i cant promise i wont do it, but i can promise i will try not to.(Also its not serious*so its never in need of medical help)

    My sexuality, the church taught me to hate myself and some of my problems are a root of this. I use to self hrm to try and get rid of those feelings, those normal feelings because i thought i was so wrong. My parents are quite religious and i fear if they knew they would force my to church more and put me on like a church celibacy/ try to make you straight therapy or something along the lines of that. Im scared about all of it.(They would never abuse me or kick me out so im safe to that degree)

    A safe space of mine is sort of being pulled out of my life because the web of lies to go there is being unraveled so i have to stop going. So that’s disappointing to me very much.

    I don’t know i just really hate myself and im so alone I’ve fallen into my hole and nobody is looking for me.
    ~Joy

    *Edited by Youthspace to remove triggering content/identifying information

  • #19239
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hey Joy,

    I can imagine how frustrating it is to be sick and not be getting the support you need. To be in pain and to feel as if you have to struggle to be seen and get medical care sounds like the last thing you need to deal with!

    I get the sense that with all this stress piling up, you feel pretty drained and it is getting harder for you to feel hopeful about the future. I can see how losing your safe space with all the stuff that’s going on would really, really hurt. At the same time, it sounds to me as if you’re a pretty determined person, and I am really glad to hear how you’re trying not to self-harm and to find other ways to cope with those feelings. I am glad too that you’ve reached out to us and hope we can be another safe space for you.

    I got such a vivid picture from your words when you said “im so alone I’ve fallen into my hole and nobody is looking for me.” I can hear how sad you feel and how much you need someone to lean on, someone to share your feelings and thoughts about your sexuality with without fear, just someone to be there for you while you find a way out of that hole.

    We’re here for you <3
    Youthspace

  • #19240

    joy
    Member

    I’m not doing good right now, I’m behind in school and it’s really stressful.
    I just can’t get out of bed it’s hard I have no motivation or energy. My joints, stomach and everything hurts so much and so does my heart :(.
    I feel so Emotional and it’s so hard. I don’t want to be gay my parents are going to hate me and I just want to be normal. I hate myself I don’t want any of this. Why can’t I get a break?

    I’m really down right now I’m sorry I just need to Let it out.

    ~Joy

  • #19241
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    joy,

    My heart truly goes out to you. I can hear that you’re in a place right now where you can’t stand yourself…where you want to be able to feel okay, and forgive yourself (even accept yourself), but your mind is trapped in this self-hatred and sadness. I get how it feels like every single move you make and word you speak is an unbelievable effort. In some ways, it seems like you know that you can think and feel better, but right now it seems impossible when everything is heavy. The way you’ve expressed your heartache tells me that it’s so intense that the emotional pain is becoming physically painful as well, and adding to the pain of physical illness. I can imagine it feels like you are being hollowed out inside by this anguish.

    I can hear too how your fears about your parents’ reactions are intensifying things for you. It seems (correct me if I’m wrong!) that there’s a battle inside of you, where on one hand you want to be able to be accepted for who you are, no matter what kind of person you are attracted to…while on the other, you just wish it would all go away, and that you could be straight and not have to fear the alienation and pain that you worry your parents would aim at you if they knew. It seems like perhaps the values that you grew up with are part of what’s making you hate yourself at this point?

    You say it’s so hard, and I completely believe you, Joy. I want you to know that we *are* looking for you. Please keep letting it out here when you need to. I am very sorry to hear about how your other safe place is slipping away right now, when it seems like you need those places very badly. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do to help connect you to other supports.

    It’s okay to be down, and you definitely don’t have to apologize for needing some support, and I hope you do continue to reach out (even if — no — especially if — your brain is telling you that you don’t deserve it), because I can tell that this is a really rough time for you. <3

    Youthspace

  • #19242

    joy
    Member

    My day today is all over the map I was really good and happy but then I crashed and was sad and so irritated at Everything. My pain was harder on me today too.
    I just want to curl up and cry I have so much homework to do tommrow and I have no idea how to do it or cope with it all its overwhelming.

    I don’t feel Like I’m ever good enough :,(

    ~Joy

  • #19243
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Joy,

    It sounds like you’ve been on a really intense emotional roller coaster as the days have been drawing on; the ups are there but so are the downs, and those downs are pretty intense.

    The worse part about having to deal with all these feelings is all the other stuff that ends up on the back burner and then inevitably adds to the intense feelings, I’m really getting the sense that things are a bit cyclical for you right now (as ever, please correct me if I’m way off base).

  • #19244

    joy
    Member

    It’s just it’s just getting worse and it’s all just crushing me :(.
    I just need someone to care.
    I want to be happy for once in my life I want to be normal and healthy and just get a break from these constant waves of different/ difficult adversities.

    I don’t know what to do right now Besides lay in bed and cry I’m so pathetic
    ~Joy

  • #19246
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Joy,

    I can hear how desperate you are for a sense of love and connection as you reach out across the technological universe and I want you to know that we at youthspace care very deeply about your life and your wellbeing. I am honoured that you take such a risk time and time again to share your pain with us in such a vulnerable way and I hope that you can feel us sending support back your way through cyberspace.

    I’m really getting a sense of how much you crave a sense of peace in your life and some quiet amidst the noise of the problems that surround you. I’d imagine that a healthy life feels so far away from your present circumstances. It seems that you are really hard on yourself for staying in bed and crying and I wonder if maybe this is the best way that you can take care of yourself in this moment? I wonder if there might be room to show yourself some compassion for the battle you’ve been fighting a need for some rest?

    <3 Youthspace

  • #19247

    joy
    Member

    Thing is though life keeps moving and i cant spend life in bed having a pity party, i have to get up each day and do what’s excepted. Nobody is sympathetic especially since I’ve been sick for so long its like everyone’s habituated to it, and don’t want to waste there time.It almost minimizes it and i just have to keep going no matter how bad it is, sometimes its so bad i want to die and yet im still considered the least important case on every doctors list.

    Im just i don’t know what to do its so hard each day, physically im getting worse and my mental health is being strained and i don’t even know what im fighting for.

    My dream has been pretty much crushed because i need to be in the 95% range to get into the university program i so desperately want but im barely making by with the little energy i have right now and with my disability that score is impossible :( only 5% error in my world of constant mistakes.

    Im becoming so hopeless,
    i have such little support and i cant stand alone anymore. You guys help though its like the best snippet of the day to read your kind words, i wish there was more people like you.

    ~Joy

  • #19248
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Thank you, Joy, for your kind words about our kind words :) I am glad we can be here for you when you feel so little support elsewhere…I would guess it feels really lonely for you in the in between times, with no one else around you that quite gets it, or feels safe enough to talk to.

    It sounds like you feel stuck between a rock and a hard place: you can either stay in bed and suffer the anxiety of feeling like the world is moving on without you, or you can go about each day with the stress of pretending nothing’s wrong, and with the emotional pain eating away at you inside. I can hear that you feel not quite right (or downright awful) about both, but that getting out of bed each day feels like the lesser of two evils right now. I get the sense, when you say you don’t know what you’re fighting for, that you feel purposeless and directionless, without a significant driving force to help push through this dark time. I’m curious what it is, even the tiniest thing, that might help you get out of bed when your mind tempts you towards that pity party?

    I would guess it’s disheartening to sense you are not anywhere near the top of those doctors’ lists, that even though both your physical and mental health are crumbling you still don’t seem to be anyone’s priority. I get the sense that number…95%…feels like it’s on a whole ‘nother planet of achievement in comparison to how difficult everything else is right now. It sounds like you are truly grieving the loss of that dream for your future, and are scared about where you might end up if you have to let that dream go.

    I can hear how engulfed you feel by hopelessness, and that you sense it’s getting worse by the day…can I check in about your self harm? Is it getting worse too?

    Youthspace.

  • #19249

    joy
    Member

    I have no future anymore I’ll never be happy I’m just a failure. My world is falling apart. :(

    My self harming isn’t that frequnet but it’s getting worse (worse for me but it doesn’t need any medical attention or anything so I guess it’s not bad ).
    I don’t know I’m sorry.

    ~Joy

  • #19250
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Joy,

    I can really hear how hopeless life feels for you right now and that you’re thinking everything you’ve worked to build for yourself in this life is crumbling. I’d imagine it feels incredibly lonely to feel as though you are falling apart but be unable to share that pain with those in your life. I’m really glad that you take the time to come here and share your struggles with us. I wonder if there is anything that brings you some hope or peace right now in your life?

    It seems as though you have a pretty good sense of your own risk when you’re self-harming and that right now you’re not feeling that you’re in danger — I do want to check in to see if you think you would be able to seek medical attention if things get to that point?

    <3 Youthspace

  • #19251

    joy
    Member

    im not sure i would hope so that i would be able to.

    right now my girlfriend i have brings me happiness but also guilt because of how i was raised being old its bad. But she has a few issues and sometimes she triggers me and scares me because im afraid i might lose her and not be good enough to have her stay.

    Im caught up in school now which is good but still struggling with making it through each day.

    ~Joy

  • #19255
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hey joy,

    Sorry that we took a few days to get back to you. It wasn’t because we didn’t care. <3 Thank you for your honesty – know that our live chat is a place you can reach out if you feel unsafe around yourself some evening and need immediate help.

    Really rocky territory for you…I am imagining that there are moments when it feels like there is light, but also a lot of time when you feel too tired, and too emotionally overwhelmed to even try and find that light.

    It is cool to hear that you’ve got someone else (your girlfriend) who you can share your time with, and who lightens things some. I’m sorry to hear that things you learned as you grew up are now telling you that this person who matters to you shouldn’t. :( And on top of that, I can hear how hard it is for you to be close to some of her struggles, even though you care for her (and probably wish that you could help solve them for her). I get the impression that it’s a little like skating on thin ice — it’s fun, and you feel freer because of it, but at the same time, you’re never sure that the ice isn’t going to crack and leave you floundering in icy water. Scary. Do you feel like the self-disgust you were mentioning before might be playing into it as well, perhaps in how you aren’t feeling “good enough to have her stay”…?

    Glad to hear you’re caught up in school. I know it doesn’t erase the emotional turmoil, but it must be somewhat of a relief!
    -youthspace

  • #19277

    joy
    Member

    I got really sick a awhile ago and just been so lost in the motion… hi.

    Yeah my girlfriend became very manipulative and expected me to save her and i couldn’t handle that and so i left her and its hard when shes at school and goes to the lgbt group i went to cause i brought her so i kind of lost my only supports now. she tries to act like nothing happened but she really hurt me with her actions to get all of my attention.

    the church is also on my case about staying “GAY” free as in not doing anything gay so that i don’t get corrupted. so that’s super fun and completely destructive of my self esteem.

    Since i was sick ive fallen behind in school again like a stupid failure i am and im so tired i have no energy and the doctors refuse to help me. im so very tired no matter how hard i try all the things i do right my world falls apart around me and i don’t think anyone cares.

    ~Joy

  • #19278
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hey Joy,

    It’s good to hear from you again. I am sorry you have been having such a tough time lately. Being sick sounds as though it has really sapped your energy and left you feeling pretty despondent. I imagine having to manage your health without caring assistance from the doctors and people around you would be exhausting. And then being behind in school again because you’ve been ill just adds to the stress you’re already feeling. Sounds like all in all, you’re feeling disappointed and fed up with having so much to deal with. I wonder what have you done in the past when you’ve been feeling this run down to take care of yourself?

    I can hear how frustrating it is having the church on your case about your sexual orientation and how it contributes to you feeling bad about yourself. I am sorry that is happening to you. Everyone deserves to be respected and accepted for who they are.

    I get the sense that you’re feeling really isolated, particularly since the lgbt group you attend sounds like it no longer feels safe to you because your ex goes there. From what you’ve said, it seems like it was a painful break-up that you’re still healing from and some of her actions have left you feeling a little angry and betrayed.

    Know that we’re here for you and will support you the best we can. You’re also welcome to chat in from 6-11pm PST if you want to talk in ‘real time’ too.
    <3 Youthspace

  • #19279

    joy
    Member

    i don’t really take care of myself i just have to suck it up and keep going :(. i went to emergency 4 times and they just sent me home telling me nothing was wrong when clearly something is wrong and it scares me to think that they wont help me till its too late. Like i have to die before they even consider that i might actually have a problem.

    Im almost caught up but its the last week before break so i have the old and the new stuff pilling up and i only have 3 days to do it all and im stressed to the max!

    i just wish i wasn’t so lonely i use to have so many people and friends and now i have no one i feel so alone and hurt because if i was gone no one would care.

    Im just really tired i try so so so so so hard and nothing good happens i feel like i never get a break from pain i always am dealing with some form of pain.

    i don’t know im running out of reasons to bother trying im never going to amount to anything i should just face the fact im a failure. I just im tired and i wish that someone around me would care for once im always taking care of everyone else and i just never seem to get it in return.

    ~Joy

  • #19280
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Honestly we’re so glad that you keep using youthspace as a place to let out some of the feelings you’ve been having. As I read what you wrote about what you’re going through right now, my heart was hurting for you, hearing all the pain and loneliness that you’re having to endure. The physical pain without explanation is truly scary — as you said, if you are in enough discomfort to be going to emergency, then something is clearly wrong. I can totally hear how it feels like your own sense of your body is being ignored when you are sent home still hurting, without even a diagnosis to hold onto.

    I get the sense that as huge as some of the stress is, it would feel just so much more manageable if there were more people around you who seemed to care about how you’re doing. But instead, you’re feeling alone, like you’ve been dumped in the middle of the ocean, with no life raft, and nobody around to pull you from the waves when you need a hand. It sounds like you are so, SO tired of working to keep your head above the waves that keep beating down upon you. It seems like a profound struggle to keep yourself going when you don’t get the impression that anyone would care if you stopped, or even disappeared. That sense of meaninglessness and isolation gets piled on top of the pain you were already feeling and I can hear how it makes things many times worse. It is hard to care for yourself when you feel like you don’t deserve it, and nobody is reaching out a caring hand to contradict your own disappointment in yourself. At this point, do you feel like it’s making you think of ending your life? (I do remember you saying you would hospitalize yourself before ever acting on suicidal thoughts, so I’m just checking to see if you’re having those thoughts right now, and whether that’s still a safety plan for you…)

    Please know that we truly do value your voice, Joy. <3 We are here for you, we want you to be able to survive to share your experiences and your light, so please keep reaching out here, and letting us know how you are doing.

  • #19281

    joy
    Member

    It is hard im sick of being sick and getting better is so hopeless it seems.

    Were starting winter break so it should be less stressful but im still so busy and have a lot to do.

    I have had thoughts of suicide but I’ll agree to that safety plan still.

    I had a youth leader talk to me about why acting on gay feelings is wrong and how i cant give up on my fight to be straight/ pure and how its the only way ill ever get happiness is if i follow those teachings. its really upsetting me and i cant help but hate myself because i have acted on them and what if that does mean i’ll never be happy.

    I just don’t know,
    ~Joy

  • #19282
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hey Joy,

    It sounds very frustrating and exhausting being sick all the time. I imagine it makes all the other things you have to get done in your life that much harder to do. I can hear how much you just want to give up and how much strength it takes to keep on going. I am glad, despite how hopeless and down you’re feeling, you’re still willing to keep fighting and make a safety plan for yourself.

    I can really see how the youth leader’s statements about gay feelings really undermine your confidence in yourself and scare you. I am no expert on homosexuality and religion, but I do know that being LGBT is not wrong and that many LGBT people live full, rich and happy lives. I also know that many church leaders and faith based communities accept and welcome all sexual orientations. (If you’re interested The Trevor Project has some more info and links about LGBT and religion: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/support-center) I am really sorry you’re having to go through all of this. You don’t deserve it.

    I hope your winter break is less stressful for you.
    We’re here for you.
    <3 Youthspace

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