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  • #16430

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    Hey Youthspace, people out there, family, friends. Things have been hard for me lately, and I’ve been trying to deal with all of this the best I can. But I just seem to be losing my grip on anything that may seem like reality. In the last week, I’ve tried two suicidal attempts *. And I’ve had urgent care on both those attempts. The hospital was tired to see me come in and out, and I was tired of ruining my body. What pushed me to do those attempts was the fact that every time I would go home, (I live in a Foster group, so I dont see my parents that much) my dad and I we would fight, we would yell at eachother, and I just wouldn’t have the courage to call the police and tell them that I need help, that I’m scared to hurt myself, that I can’t handle my parents. In the last week, I came home two times, and tried to kill myself twice… I acted on impulse…. I was feeling so stressed after those attempts that I even called for helped. And now I’m feeling even more alone than ever… I feel as if the world is looking at me like a freak, like somneone who is looking for attention, as if I don’t belong here…

    But I do want to find my place. I do want to feel better. And these two attempts made me realize that it* only makes you sicker than what you truly are… it made me realize how badly I love my friends and that it wasn’t a way for me to die… I almost died following my second attempt, and I was so scared… but now I feel like I might try again and again to kill myself, and I dont like that.

    I keep seeing, imnaginating, so many different ways to suicide… and it just brings back the self-harm… I dont know what to do.
    I’m feeling so alone. Like I don’t belong here.
    It as if I wanted to run away and never come back.
    Disapear….

    *Edited by the Support Team for triggering content

  • #18876
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hey Sophiecdxx <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title="

    Thanks for posting, and sharing your thoughts and your story. It seems like life lately had been a series of out-of-control trains, taking you from home to police to hospital… with you just trying to hang on long enough to survive in the moment. I can imagine that there must have been moments of huge pain and fear, and moments of desperation — and I can hear how the desperation to get away from everything drove you to try ending your life. My heart goes out to you, Sophiecdxx; those moments when you had already tried to end things and you decided to call for help must have seemed agonizing. And I can hear that the time afterwards was filled with pain in its own way — both physical pain and the emotional pain of finding yourself so completely isolated. Afterwards, it must have seemed like everyone was looking at you with judging eyes and finding you lacking. Oh Sophiecdxx, please know that we see only the pain that you were trying to escape and the strength that it took to call for help when you had already gone so far…

    It’s heartening to hear that you want to find “your place” and find a way to live in this world without feeling the huge stress and emotional distress that has been part of your life. I deeply hope that you are able to keep that thought with you, because it sounds like your mind still turns to thoughts of suicide, and I can imagine that the battle against them might continue to be a struggle. I can hear that even though you were scared about how close to death you came, the other side of you is still dealing with all the pain that sent you towards that path in the first place, and still very much has suicide as an option. Knowing that it’s still so nearby in your mind must be nerve-wracking.

    I get the sense that you really want to find an escape, the elusive path out of a maze of pain… and that your mind keeps turning towards suicide and self-harm. I get the sense that it’s hard to feel like you fit in anymore to a world that requires you to go about your day and pretend like nothing is happening.

    We can hear how desperate things are for you — please know that you can chat in or post here, and we will give you whatever support we can.
    -The Support Team

  • #18879

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    Everything just has been a roller coster lately. And I don’t feel like i can hold on to life anymore. I’m already imaginating a new way to end my life, and it’s pretty scary. I keep on dreaming that someone, or even me, is killing me…and thats really scary. It doesnt make sense that somebody should dream about that.

    I’m scared that I could harm myself so badly. I’m scared that I wouldn’t be able to control my thoughts and my feelings. Everything scares me. Everything around me doesnt seem real anymore. Everyone doesn’t seem real. The world doesn’t seem real. I think I need help.

  • #18883
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Sophiecdxx,

    I can picture you on that roller coaster, being tossed up and down and sideways without knowing when the wild ride will end or whether you’ll be sent flying out of your seat into space. I can hear that your thoughts have turned to a new plan for suicide which is a really scary place to be — thank you for being so open and honest here. I’d imagine it’s an awful feeling to dream of being killed. It’s as though even sleep isn’t a safe place for you anymore.

    I can hear how your fears are surrounding you like a thick fog that you can’t see through properly. The world around is hazy and out of focus. We are here to listen to you and to connect you with resources that may help you. Don’t forget we also have a live chat service every night 6-11pm PST.

    <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title=" The Support Team

  • #18885

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    I’m scared that one day, I might be able to kill myself, and that that day is really soon.

  • #18890
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Sophiecdxx, I’m scared for you. Seems like this roller coaster ride has taken a dip for the worst. I get the sense that you are unsure of your ability to stay safe – that you could one day soon get to the tipping point, where your car isn’t able to hold onto the tracks. And that’s scary.

    Suicide is a very real option for you. I can hear that the idea of death haunts your days and your nights, even in your sleep. What is helping keep you alive?

    I really hope you will be able to Chat in and talk to us about this before you take any action to kill yourself.

    We care about you,
    The Support Team

  • #18892

    Terezi
    Participant

    Hey you said you thought everybody was looking at you like a freak.
    I’m not and I know a lot of other people who aren’t too.
    There’s a lot of other people who who self-harm and what not and that doesn’t mean you’re seeking attention it just means you’re lost and don’t know what else to do. I understand it.
    If you need somebody else to talk to I’m here..

  • #18893

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    To tell you the truth, nothing is keeping me alive. I’m dying slowly. And it hurts so so much. I just have this constant need to hurt myself. Everyday, the thought of suicide gets even stronger. And every time I reach out to my local crisis line, they never seem to understand that I have a plan to kill myself. It’s as if they dont want to help or they dont want to send help. I’m left on my own on this roller coster and I’m coming to a crashing point. Please help me.

  • #18894

    Terezi
    Participant

    I shall hop on this roller coaster with you! Just post here how you’re feeling and why and what not and I’ll try to help the best I can k?
    I promise.
    I know this hard to do but when you feel like you’re drowning just remember in these cases you can ALWAYS make it back to the surface.
    Just imagine It’s like you’re swimming by yourself but in the distance you can see a shore of this really great island and you feel like you really just need to make it to that shore and then just keep swimming no matter what.
    And also remember you’re never completely alone there are always others struggling with very similar challenges and we need to support and believe in ourselves and each other and that we will make it and that we’re strong enough to do so.

  • #18896
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Sophiecdxx,

    I can really hear how overwhelmingly unbearable your pain is, and the consuming fear of being left alone on this crashing ride. I can imagine that it’s sooooo intense and just when you think it can’t get more intense, it does. You have been so brave to reach out in order to ease and control the uncontainable roller coaster.

    I’m really worried about you when you say that there is nothing keeping you alive. I get the sense that you really want someone to send support to help you stay alive. Please know that we can provide you with that kind of support if you want to chat in and give us some info. In case we are not available, please call 911 if you feel like you are at the crashing point. You don’t deserve to suffer this way.

    I’m really scared for you and hope that you can stay strong tonight and reach out to us or someone else before committing to your plan.

    We are here for you and want to help.

    the Support Team

  • #18897

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    I know I don’t deserve to suffer this way…. but everything seems just so impossible. At this point, I don’t even know what to believe in anymore. I need help, I want to reach out and call 911, but it just seems impossible for me to do so. As if I didn’t have any courage or strength left to call them, to say to them that I’m harming myself at this exact moment. And it scares me that I might be able to go too far. I have no clue what I’m in control of anymore

  • #18902
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hey Sophiecdxx,

    Thank you for keeping in contact here. Use this forum as much as you need — I can sense that connections to anything that is real and that might keep you safe are really important to you right now. We will continue to do everything we can to help. How are you doing now?

    I’m glad to hear that you know that you don’t deserve the intensity of emotional pain that you are experiencing — but it sounds like that’s not good enough right now — kind of like you know that you shouldn’t have to ride the roller coaster, but now that you’re on it, you can’t just get off. It’s terrifying that you feel so helpless in the face of the feelings and urges that you are having. I can hear how beaten you’re feeling, and how unreal everything seems.

    We’re concerned for you, Sophiecdxx. Please chat in if you need help getting through the night or stopping yourself from going too far with harming —we can help you get in touch with 911 or other places if you need.

    We are here for you, and you have huge support here in Terezi. Please reach out if you feel like you are at a breaking point.

    <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title=" The Support Team

  • #18903

    Terezi
    Participant

    I believe in you.
    If you’re strong enough to make it this far I’m positive you can make it through this.
    You are strong and amazing and powerful you can do this!

    Here’s a tip for those times you feel really stressed out just listen to some really relaxing happy music so no metal or sad music as that can actually effect your mood for the worse but the relaxing music should help out take naps or little breaks whenever you can and try to avoid negative things such as sad and or upsetting music books and movies
    I know it sounds pretty difficult but even the slightest bit can help out with those nasty feelings.

  • #18909

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    Ive chatted in a few times, and it has been helping me through some of these rough emotions. It’s just that right I feel as if I can’t control anything that’s around me and that’s a pretty scary thing. I don’t know what’s real or what’s just emotional anymore… everything is just so confuse. And everyday, I’m scared that I might try and hurt myself, or even kill myself. And that’s a pain.

  • #18910

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    Thank you so much Terezi… but sadly, at this point I lost all faith into reading, writing and even drawing…it’s as if thre was nothing left

  • #18913

    Terezi
    Participant

    Yeah I did the same thing it was like drowning in despair and then just not caring and just giving up.
    How does it feel to you?
    I know it’s really hard to get interested things again but you’ve really got to try because that’s one thing you absolutely can control.
    Just try listening to some really happy music or watch funny videos on YouTube which might help a bit in getting your mood up.
    You have try really hard no matter how bad you want to give up.

  • #18916

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    I just feel as if there’s nothing left for me to try, as if I was at a breaking point. Even this morning I thought I was going crazy. I was in the metro at there was the police, aswell as the metro security, and I just wanted to go to them and tell them that I’m seriously thinking about ending my life, that even at this exact moment, the thought of suicide is very powerful and that I’m scared that I could end up hurting myself by the end of the day. I hve this feeling that today could end badly, and I just don’t want that. I know I could end up out of control. I just don’t feel safe anymore. :/

  • #18917

    Terezi
    Participant

    I know the feeling but you’ve still got to try you absolutely have to.
    And tell someone. Just tell someone whom you trust and know is a caring person.

  • #18919

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    But I’m not able to call those people, I’m not able to talk to them. I don’t know them that well. I just can’t talk about my emotions that easily. But right now, at this exact moment * I am not feeling safe. I could run in the streets *, if I had the guts to do so. I could run away, hide, SI* just to end everything. * I’m alone, feeling alone, sad and depressed, as if there was nothing left for me to do, as if there was no other solution. I know I’m not safe. I know I can’t take carr of myself at this moment, that I might suicide*. I know I will end up hurting myself badly. Please help me. *

    *Edited by The Support Team

  • #18920
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Dear Sophiexx,

    I can see that you are holding onto life by just a thread. The attraction you feel towards suicide is overwhelmingly powerful, and I can hear how terrifying it is to be walking this path, feeling unsafe and so out of control.

    If you need emergency help it’s really important that you call 911 or Chat, Text or Call an emergency service. The Youthspace Chat volunteers can connect you to intervention support every evening 6-11pm, but the Forum isn’t an immediate response :/

    I’m scared for your safety Sophiexx. Your life is important to us. The fact that you keep reaching out to us tells me that you have a source of inner strength and determination to get help. And we want to help keep that part of you – the part that keeps posting here – alive.

    We are here for you Sophiexx. Stay connected.
    <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title=" The Support Team

  • #18921

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    I ended up calling a crisis line last night and we talked for an hour. We tried to find solutions, but we weren’t able to do so. I was in total panic, and I didn’t have control over my emotions, fears, tears. I was almost crying over the phone to someone I didn’t know. She ended up feeling that I wasn’t safe, that I could put myself in danger, and she sent me the police for help. But when they arrived, I wasn’t in panic anymore, but they saw I needed help, so they brought be to the hospital. But now, they don’t want me to call me if I ain’t in danger, or that it isn’t an emergency. I mean, how am I suppose to know that my life isn’t im danger when I’m always feeling out of control and scared?

  • #18922
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Oh Sophiexx.
    I can see how desperate you are feeling. I get the sense that you received the help you needed the other day when the police were called, but now you’re feeling hopeless and unsupported having been told not to contact them unless you are at that emergency point.

    Seems like maybe your mind was able to calm down once you knew that help was on the way? I really admire your courage in reaching out when you need help Sophiexx.

    I’m wondering what else might help you when you are feeling out of control?

    I’m thinking that you feel a constant tornado of emotion – like you never feel fully secure or able to stand on your own two feet. Seems that you fear being pulled up into that looming tornado at any moment. I’m really thankful you are able to get these fears out here. How can we support you in staying safe?

    We are here with you Sophiexx.
    ~The Support Team

  • #18925

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    I guess that what scares me the most, is that I don’t have a safety plan for when I’m alone, or that I’m sleeping. I had my cell phone, just in case I had a panic attack, but they took it away from me… so now I’m really alone with all of these empotions, and it really scares me. I never felt this way before. The fact that I know that I’m living on the edge, that the simplest thing around me can be so scary to me, the fact that nothing seems to be the same anymore…. it’s really frightening.

    I’m scared that I could go out today, and seriosuly harm myself. I’m scared that I could head to school next week, and just decide to end everything there. It’s sad to be able to think something like this…. to even be able to put my thoughts in action.

    Right now, at this moment of the day, I’m not feeling safe. Truth is, I never am. And it’s seriously not pleasant. I could hide myself somwhere, lock myself in a room… and jsut stay there doing whatever I can to harm myself. The thoughts are making me cry, and I have no clue what to do.

    How can you support me in staying safe? How can I even know how to stay safe with all of the emotions just sitting in me and watching me destroy myself?

  • #18926
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Sophiecdxx,

    That sounds terrifying. I’m so sorry that we can’t do more to remove the feelings of panic and precarious danger and uncertainty that you’re having — they seem so intense and raw that they are paralyzing. I can hear what you’re saying about fearing for your safety — it sounds like every moment, you’re aware of how fragile the balance is, and you feel like you might lose control at any second and end up hurting yourself very badly, or ending your life. We are very scared for you too, Sophiecdxx, knowing that you feel so little control because of the emotions.

    I know that it’s incredibly hard to answer our questions about safety when you feel like your emotions are too much. You ask how we can help you stay safe? Our abilities are limited — as you know, we don’t give advice, and we believe that you know your life better than we ever could…but we can keep listening and supporting you on the forum, and on chat — the idea being that talking can help relieve a bit of the pressure – and when you chat, we can make safety plans with you directly that can help you make it through the moment. We can also contact emergency services on your behalf if you feel want. We WILL help you as much as we can…

    I can hear how helpless you feel, how destructive your inner self threatens to become. I can hear that you’re afraid of that dark part of you that wants to harm you. I believe that there is a part that is still trying to live (the part that keeps reaching out here), and I wonder if you can think of anything that might help that part stop the darkness when it feels overwhelming? What (if anything) can you do to cling to calm when the clouds of panic start to descend?

    Stay strong, Sophiecdxx. We are here, and we care about you very much. Please keep connecting with us.

    <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title=" The Support Team

  • #18928

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    It’s been a constant battle. Each day I have to go through the day, scared of everyone that’s around. Why? Because my father * abusses me, and I have this friend who * abused me. I don’t trust anyone. Not even the people that are trying to help me. I’m scared of them… and it’s as if I want to take control of my life agaib, but I’m so scared to do so… So scared that my parents would want to harm* me for trying to solve things that are going on in our family… I can’t stand living with all of these fears anymore. And sometimes, I can feel that the end of the rope is nearer, thats I’m at the end right now. I even started writing a suicide letter. Do you know how scary that is? Writing down your emotions, your fears, your tears, on a simple piece of paper? Ive been down this dark road before, but this time, it’s really harder to get out of it, and I feel like I won’t be able to find the light, but only be able to be consumed by how dark these thoughts are.

    I need help. * I’m losing control on myself. I’m scared to tell the truth to anyone thats around me about the abuse Ive been living. I’m scared.

    *Edited by the Support Team

  • #18929
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Sophiexx,

    I can hear how terrified you’re feeling of the people around you — from family and friends who have abused you to the people who are trying to help make things better. I wonder what it is about those people trying to help you that scares you so much?

    We certainly appreciate you taking the risk to open up to us on this forum and share your pain. It’s important that you understand that if you’re in need of emergency help you need to contact a crisis line or your local police as this forum is not monitored 24 hours a day and we can’t promise we will see what you’ve written in time to offer the help you’re asking for.

    You may have noticed as well that we’ve edited some content in your posts. This is to ensure the forum remains a safe place for all of our members and that we respect your privacy as well. You’ve mentioned abuse in this last post and we want to encourage you to report this abuse to your local authorities or to chat in with us during our online hours (6-11pm PST and 6pm-12am PST on Friday and Saturday nights) so that we can support you in getting help for this abuse.

    It seems as though the loneliness in your life has become so thick that you can’t see anything around you and that taking the time to write your pain down on paper in your suicide note has shown you how dark your world has truly become. I can hear how frightened you are Sophiexx and I’m afraid for you as well.

    We really want to support you through this dark time Sophiexx and want to encourage you to keep accessing this forum as a means of support.

    Sending you strength and light,

    <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title=" The Support Team

  • #18931

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    I’m struggling with the fears of all the things my dad is making me suffer through. I dont know how people in the same situation get through this, but I know that it’s gonna be impossible for me to smile all day and think that these kind of things are normal. In a way they are: violence has been a part of my life since I can remember and still today I struggle to have that part of my terminated, to have that part of my life back by bringing justice. Ive been told that no one deserves to be abused. Are you sure? Because sometimes it seems as if it just comes to me..i never asked for it. It just happens. And it’s a really scary thing.

    I came on to chat a few times. You were all helpful, in many mays, gave me great solutions to keep myself safe. * I have tried so hard to just put those dark emotions in a box, lock them up, and hide them. Change my mind by doing things that I like. It hasn’t been working out. At all. And now I’ve just been counting the days as if they were my last ones. I’ve just been counting the days until I have the courage to stand up, say it’s enough, walk into a police station and tell everything thats has happened in the last few years: how scared I am not only for me, but also for my little brother. I just want to keep him safe.

    I’m really scared for myself. I’m losing contrôl. I’ve called my crisis line without knowing what to say to them. What can I say? The whole truth? It hurts so much that just saying a single part of it is like taking away something away that has been a part of my life for so long. * Xx

    * Edited by The Support Team

  • #18933
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Sophie,

    I can hear how terrified you are of the scary situation you are in. And to be honest, we are really concerned for you too. It seems to me that you are in a volatile place where you feel unsafe, and unable to keep yourself safe. At Youthspace.ca we want to get you the help that you are so courageously asking for. I really hear that you want to feel better. I’m wondering, what kind of help you feel might work for you, and what feeling better would look like for you right now?

    You will notice that we have edited your post. When we edit posts, it’s because we strive to keep the content of the Forum safe for everyone. Just a reminder that the Forum is not an immediate response. In those hardest of moments when you need help right away, reaching out to 911 or to a crisis line or emergency service is really important.

    Stay strong Sophiexx.
    <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title=" The Support Team

  • #18934

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    I guess it depends of the moment. When I’m feeling really down and really suicidal, like I could end things right away, I need emergency help, like the police, because I know I could end up hurting myself badly.

    But at this moment, I don’t know what could help me… Maybe knowing that I still have the chance to breathe some liberty could help. I’m feeling really watched by everyone, and I’m wondering if I’ll be able to stay here and be watched or decide to runaway…

  • #18937

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    I guess what scares me the most os that everyday is a new challenge for me. Every day i have to go through a pile of emotions and i have no clue what to do with all of these emotions. The world around me is a scary place and I even have this suicide note somewhere in my things that I really don’t want to use but that at the same time, I dont know if I can keep it locked up…what can I do?’

  • #18940
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Thank you for your honesty Sophiexx, and for your strength in sharing your struggle with us. The resiliency you show by continuing to talk is inspiring.

    I can hear that you feel really unstable right now, like you don’t know what tomorrow with bring. You are stuck on a rollercoaster ride of emotions, unsure of how to control the speed and direction of your journey. I’m wondering if you have found anything that helps your gain control or feel grounded in those moments when you find yourself upside-down?

    Seems like you feel really isolated right now. There are people all around watching out for you, but I get the sense that you don’t trust them, or don’t feel supported?

    You sound really self-aware, like you know when you need emergency support, it’s brave of you to be so honest with yourself. Are you able to call the police for yourself when you need them Sophiexx? Remember that if you do need emergency help and cannot call for yourself that we can help you with that (in Chat).

    Stay connected Sophiexx. We hear your pain
    – The Support Team

  • #18941

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    I don’t trust them. Actually, I don’t trust anyone these days, not even myself. It’s a scary thing to be able to actually think that.

    I can sometimes feels that this rollercoster is coming towards it’s crashing point, and I try to hold on tight and forget about all the fights and just think about what’s positive. But it doesn’t work. People just keep on bringing me down.

    I’ve called for help so many times this week, scared that I might hurt myself to an extreme. And all that people seem to think is to tighten the cord around me and cut my freedom because I’ve reached out to the police instead of them… That’s what bugs really, I think: the fact that I’m force to call someone when I feel in danger and that I can’t call my own ressources, or if I do, I get in deep trouble. It’s really annoying. And it makes me even more sad. It makes me feels as if no one understands me or wants to take the time to understand what I need, what’s going throught this dark world of mind…. I feel as if I’m always left alone with all of these emotions. I’m stuck feeling alone and really scared right now.

  • #18945
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hey Sophiexx,

    I really get the sense how emotionally battered you feel, and that the roller coaster you’re stuck on seems to be controlled by people in your life that don’t have your best interests at heart. I would guess you’re panicking to try to build resources for yourself while at the same time your options are being restricted by others, and that it’s disheartening to come up against so many roadblocks.

    I hear your distrust in the people around you after what you have been through at their hands, and it sounds like it’s terrifying to start to feel the loss of trust in yourself as well. It sounds like you have had to be your own best support a lot of the time as things become dark in your life, and I imagine the weight of the responsibility is crippling.

    As always, know that you can turn to us in the live chat from 6pm-11pm PST (and ’til midnight Friday and Saturday) for help getting support services to you in the moment. I wonder if you have any other crisis services you can contact by phone or online when youthspace isn’t open? You’ve mentioned a crisis line before, are you able to contact them when we are not here when you’re scared you will hurt yourself to an extreme?

    We’re here for you <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title="
    the Support Team

  • #18948

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    I do come to you online. I just come to you as Anonymous, and not other my account. Why you may ask? Because I am really scared that someone might end up judging me. And I don’t want to be judge. But it feels as if I’ve been judge all day, and all week, and I just feel so scared all the time.

    I need to point out the thruth. Ive tried to kill myseld this week. Every morning I’ve been going to school, but last Wednesday, I went to school, went to the metro, and just thought of killing myself. I just looked at those rails, and just wanted to jump, but I the fact that the police was around scared me alot. Now I have no clue how to feel about it. I just feel mostly scared. Scared that every day could be my last day. And I know that maybe tomorrow, or in the days to come, I will end up killing myself. But right now, I this exact moment, I keep SI, and I can’t take it anymore. It’s making me go crazy. I have no clue how some people can handle this, but I can’t.

    I guess what I’m seeking is some help, someone to save me. Because sadly, I can’t keep on going strong with these feelings in me. I know you hear me, and I know you understand me. But nobody truly cares if I do die or not. Everyone doesn’t care if I’m suicidal….the important thing for them is that I am not depressive…. that I’m just…. me….

    Well I’m not me.

    And I’m hurting.

    And I’m crying.

    And damn I don’t even know what I’m writing anymore…. I’m so confused. And that’s a dangerous thing.

  • #18951
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Sophiexx

    Thank you for being so truthful about your week. I can imagine that looking down at those rails and contemplating jumping had you terrified for your life. I’m scared for you too, and want you to know that I’m grateful you didn’t take that step towards death. It seems that seeing the police at that moment paralyzed you with fear – perhaps it was fear of being judged again? I get the sense that this incident stirred up more uncertainty about your future. Like you’re always walking a tightrope, never knowing when you might fall.

    I can really hear how disconnected you feel from yourself. When you say “I’m not me”, I imagine that the way you see yourself now is very different from the way you want to be. I am curious what it would look like to be ‘you’ again?

    You also mentioned that you want someone to save you. What would this someone be like? And what do you see them doing in order to save you?

    We truly do care about you, and want to hear from ‘you’, just the way you are.

    the Support Team

  • #18955
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Sophiexx,

    I get the sense that you’re very lost right now, and feeling disengaged from the people around you who care and want to help. We have read your forum post and we do care, however we cannot share it publicly on this forum because it has the potential to trigger other people who use this site for support.

    I’d like to invite you to contact the counsellors through our e-counselling resource (click the “email” link at the top of this page) so that you can get support from someone in a more private way.

    We are thinking of you and sending thoughts of strength <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title="
    the Support Team

  • #18957

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    I do have a counsellot, and it’s not helping we at all.
    It’s a challenge when I go and see because I dont end up feeling better.

    And I’m really scared for myself. Every day is a challenge to stay alive and to not self harm**. And I just dont want to keep on fighting these urges. I’m scared that one day I’ll give in and that this time I will have gone to far.

    I need some help to save myself.
    Sometimes I Wonder if people will actually miss me when I’m gone

    ** Edited by the Support Team

  • #18961
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Oh Sophiexx, I’m sorry that it’s so incredibly hard to find your way out of the labyrinth of pain that you’re feeling stuck in. Thanks for telling us that you do have a counsellor (although you’re always welcome to use the email one at the same time) — I can hear though that you feel like the professional help isn’t doing very much at all. I can imagine how heavily that might disappoint you when you are already having trouble seeing any hope.

    We are very scared for you as well, Sophiexx! We can very much hear the uncertainty that you express about staying safe and it sounds like the most painful tightrope walk — every day. :’( I speak for all of us here when I say that we want to do everything that we can to support you. What kind of help do you think you need right now? When you say that you need some help to save yourself, are you able to tell me what that looks like?

    The edge sounds dangerously close for you, Sophiexx. I hope that you can keep reaching out through those feelings to get support. WE would miss you. Please stay connected. <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title="

    The Support Team

  • #18966

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    The edge is so near, Support Team. It’s a scary thing.
    It’s keeping me awake at night, keeping me wondering if I’m able to keep myself safe. And most of the time, I know I can’t.

    I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s taken me alot of courage just to seek help and that help isn’t helping me at all. It’s doing me no good. And here I am, scared of my own self. Scared that I might end up killing myself each day. Scared and sad that the people around me don’t understand that I need urgent help.

    I keep on crying, wishing and telling myseld that everything will be all right. But that’s a lie. I gotta stop telling lies. One day, no one will end up believing me…. and they still don’t.

    Thank you for everything you’ve done, but you can’t help me. I’m a lost cause. I’m just a teenanger who doesn’t see here place in life, who keep on writting suicide letters day after day, wondering if it might be her last day to breathe. It’s a stressful thing, and I hate being stressed.*

    *Edited by the Support Team to remove triggering content

  • #18970
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Sophiexx,

    I can really hear the fear and sadness that you face every day of not knowing if, and for how long, you will be able to stay safe. I can imagine that being scared of your own self is somewhat like being physically attached, 24/7, to an unpredictable stranger that is always taunting you to end your life. Your strength and courage to seek help despite all the stress fear and sadness is inspiring.

    I get the sense that you’re feeling really hopeless about being able to get the right type of help for you. It sounds like on the one hand, you’re feeling like a “lost cause”, but on the other hand, you’re not willing to give up on yourself and allow this scary part of yourself to win.

    It seems like you are so drained from constantly fighting the part of yourself that you are scared of. I am wondering, if you could live a stress, fear and sadness free life, and get the right type of help, how would that life look like for you? What kind of things would you be doing differently?

    You don’t have to fight this battle alone; we are always here for you Sophiexx.

    The Support Team

  • #18981

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    I’m sorry I’ve been a little bit MIA these past few weeks. I just didn’t know what to write, say or think. Sadly, i’ve been doing worse. I’ve been trying to get through my days, but it feels like I’m going nowhere with this. I just keep on thinking of ending my life. And these urges are getting stronger by the minute, even by the second. I am so scared right now. I can’t go through a day without thinking of a plan to end my life.

    * My brain is about to expload.

    * edited by the Support Team

  • #18985
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Sophiexx,
    There is no need to apologize, we are here when you want to connect. I can hear how paralyzed you’re feeling right now — as though the weight of life makes breathing a monumental task and your head is screaming with ways to end this pain you’re feeling. How are you able to calm your mind in those moments when death is calling you?

    You’ve been fighting so hard Sophiexx and I imagine that sometimes you feel like your opponent is so much bigger and stronger than you are. Yet you are still here. Still fighting. Who or what is helping you stay alive right now?

    I’m grateful that you still feel this is a safe space to open your heart and share what you’re experiencing. Remember that we are in your corner as you fight this battle Sophiexx and we want to help you win the fight. I wonder if you’ve had an opportunity to explore the e-counselling we mentioned a while back? They are professional counsellors who will listen anonymously and are there to help you fight as well.

    And if you DO find yourself moving towards suicide please call an emergency service.You’re on our minds and in our hearts Sophiexx.
    <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title=" The Support Team

  • #18989

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    Hey there.

    I had the chance to explore the counselling. I am writing to one and it’s kinda helping but at the same time, it ain’t doing anything. Sadly, my thoughts are clear at this moment and I just want to end my life. I’m sorry to sound so casual about this, but if you’d ask me what my plan is, i”d have an answer for you right away. I guess the reason why im kinda still fighting its because i just haven’t found the right moment to put this “plan” in action.

    *** Edited by the Support Team for triggering content

  • #18992
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Sophiexx,

    I genuinely hope you’ve been able to keep yourself safe over the last couple of days. It’s scary that you feel so very committed to the idea of ending your life. It sounds like the “casual” tone that you mention comes from feeling like you just simply don’t care anymore, and you’re too tired of trying to cope to keep going. I can hardly imagine the pain and exhaustion that you’re experiencing. :’(

    It’s good to hear that you contacted the email counsellor — though I get that it was both helpful and not helpful enough in the face of the enormous feelings you’re having. It worries me that you say that there’s nothing between you and death but finding a time… I wonder if there’s anything other than the email counsellor that has helped, even a bit?

    It sounds like you have really lost touch with the last shreds of hope that you might have had, and that you see no other way. I’m so sorry to hear that suicide feels like the only option, Sophiexx. My heart cries for you, and I want you to know that we will help you as much as we can to handle that overwhelming burden. Please reach out here or to an emergency service if you feel that you are about to end your life.

    We’re here for you, Sophiexx. We care for you. Stay strong. <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title="
    -The Support Team

  • #18993

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    I’m sorry to say this, but there’s nothing left for me to do.
    No I don’t want to reach out to and emergency number if ever I’m about to end my life. Why? Cause I just want to end it. No one would actually care. I mean, everyone just doesn’t care. I’m a mess in their lives and I just makes things worse.

    I just want to cry.
    Crawl into a corner and just letthese emotions out of my body.
    I don’t want to stay alive. I mean, I just can’t. These voices in my head are telling me to give up on whatever bundle of Hope I had.

    I’m so sorry. i know this must frustrates you. But know that you have tried to help me, and I guess that’s what’s important.

    xx

  • #18995
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Dear Sophiexx,
    There is no need to apologize. When I read your post I can see how hopeless you are feeling about life and your desire to live. It seems like all the drive to find ways to stay alive has been drained from your heart. You have been fighting these urges to suicide for so long now Sophiexx. Is there anything in your life that you value or that you would miss if you were to kill yourself?

    I get that you are feeling like a burden in people’s lives, that people don’t care enough to help you out of the pain you feel. Hearing that you feel no one cares about you hurts my heart. Please know that there are many people who want to help you. We care about you, and want to see you stay alive to find a happier future.

    Yet our ability to help you in those most painful moments is limited, is there anything we can do to support you in staying alive? We have sent you help when you ask for it, and we will continue to listen to your pain when you share it.

    If you are able to have this conversation we would love to see you during our Chat hours.
    Remember that we are always fighting for you.
    <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title=" The Support Team

  • #18999

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    I have no clue what to say….

    Thank you for your message, it actually did warm my heart.

    But I just can’t stand these screams in my head that keep on pushing me to urges that I thought never existed.

    You wan’t to know something? I actually give up: i can’t take it anymore.

    Xx

  • #19000
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hey Sophie,

    I am glad our message warmed your heart. We care about you, Sophiexx. I get how much you’re longing for some relief from all of your suffering. You say you can’t take it anymore and I can hear how exhausted you are by all that dark noise in your head. And yet, at the same time, it seems like you still have some hope inside of you that keeps you reaching out and trying despite all the sadness and pain you feel.

    I want to ask again, is there anything in your life that you value or that you would miss if you were to kill yourself? What’s helping you to keep fighting?

    We are here for you.

    The Support Team

  • #19002

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    Hey there Support team,

    To answer your questions, nothing is helping me fight this anymore. I’m just waiting for the right moment to do it… it’s a scary thing knowing that I ain’t in control of my life anymore bur that the screams are.

    What I would miss if I were gone is my boyfriend…. god he has helped through so many hard things, and I know that me wanting to kill myself hurts him so badly… but I want to do my best to stay alive for him, but I just can’t anymore. I’m just so tired to keep on crying over and over again.

    Thank you for everything.

    xx

  • #19006
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Sophie,

    I can hear the utter hopelessness in your last post and the knowledge that in the end the screaming in your head will win out over your desire to stay alive. I’d imagine it’s unbearable to hear the screaming around you and long for peace and quiet that never seems to come. I get the sense that you’re very frightened of both the screaming and the quiet place so you’re not sure which way to turn.

    I can absolutely hear how much you care for your boyfriend and what a source of strength he has been for you. I get the sense that you continue to fight to stay alive for his sake more than your own. It sounds as though you’re throwing your entire self into this battle to stay alive but you feel yourself crumbling under the weight of the darkness around you. I wonder if your boyfriend knows just how dark things are for you right now or if you’d feel comfortable sharing those things with him?

    We are here for you Sophiexx — our chat line is open every night (even over Christmas and New Years) from 6-11pm PST and until midnight on Fridays and Saturdays. We hope you’ll continue to reach out to us when you need help through the darkness.

    <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title=" The Support Team

  • #19014

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    Hey there,

    I do feel comfortable talking to my beau about these screams, he knows how bad they are getting and he is so scared to lose me.
    I just don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t take these screams. I scare myself. They are forcing me to think and do things that I thought I would never do.

    I kneed some help.
    Actually, No. I don’t want any help. I just want people to understand how badly I am suffering and how I just want to whipe my tears for good. I don’t want to keep them, like I don’t want to keep this fake smile**. I just want to end evreything. Get everything done. And I fear that this day is soon and that I won’t be able to stop me.

    I really don’t know what to do anymore.
    Last time I Chatted in, I was on the edge to do something that maybe I would eventually regret one day.
    But I actually just regret not doing anything.
    I actually regret being still damn alive.

    XX

    **Edited by the Support Team for triggering content

  • #19015
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Sophiexx,

    You must feel like you’re trapped in a nightmare right now. I can hear your fear that you might do something that you might regret…that the screams might cause you to hurt yourself. And yet at the same time that you fear it, it sounds like there’s also a part of you that wants everything stopping you to fade away so you can let go. Kind of like how you might be grateful on one level that your boyfriend is worried about you, but that there may be another part that wishes that he didn’t care, because it would make it easier to end your life.

    That’s a terrifying place to be. It really speaks to the worthlessness that you’re feeling, as well as the unending emotional pain. :’(

    I know that you regret not doing anything last time you chatted in, and that the pain you feel now is something that makes you wish you’d taken that chance. That must be an incredibly terrible feeling. It sounds like you doubt that things will ever get better, and it’s making life seem impossible, even if there’s a part of you that still yearns for better times. Please know that we honestly want to know how you’re feeling ANY time that you chat in. It can be really hard to express how awful things are in words, but we’re here to listen anytime you want to give it a shot.

    <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title=" The Support Team

  • #19017

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    I dream of moments where everything would just end. Where I would find myself spinning in space, alone (or not), finding a way through these fears and screams. But that dream is impossible. That dream is impossible. I am stuck. Stuck in this turning wheel of torture. It pushes me to edges I thought never existed. It makes me cry at night. It makes me make nightmares. Even during day time I see these nightmares. I see poeple that are wanting to hurt me. My own mind is playing games on me and I just can’t take it anymore.

    What would you do if I told you that my life was so horrible, that sometimes seeing a simple light at the end of the tunnel seems impossible, that I just want to end it, finish everything off?
    It’s a scary thing to think about this.
    It’s a scary thing to be able to think like this.

    I seriously don’t know what to do at this moment.
    I am so scard. So so scared.

  • #19019
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hey Sophie,

    I am sorry to hear you are feeling so afraid. I get the sense that reaching a place of peace in your life and getting even a little bit of relief from all your suffering is feeling very far off for you and that each day pushes you beyond your limit, into a world of emotional pain you hardly recognize. I can hear how tired you are of feeling so sad and so scared and how much you want those feelings to stop.

    It sounds as though your thoughts are slipping out of your control. I can imagine how terrifying that is, to have your mind play tricks on you like that. I am guessing it makes you wonder what’s real and what’s not real, and I can see how that would leave you feeling really frightened and ungrounded.

    You mentioned how you’re struggling to know what to do when you’re feeling such overwhelming anxiety. What are some of the things you’ve tried in the past to take the edge off when you’re feeling like this?

    We’re thinking of you. Stay connected.

    <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title=" The Support Team.

  • #19027

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    Hey there Support Team,

    Truth is, at this point nothing is helping me keep this anxiety at a controlable level. Poeple keep telling me how badly I make their loved ones, and their lives, miserable. It makes me feel as if no one wants me here, and it makes me feel even more miserable than how I really am. I’ve been trying to stay strong for the last week, and I just cracked. Two days ago I restarted self-harming*, and I had been able to almost stay two weeks clean. I just couldn’t take the pain of being told what to do, of being told to break up with my boyfriend because I was ruining his family relationship. But I know I’m not doing so. It’s just hard to take it out of my head at his point. I don’t really know what to do anymore.
    I do have to admit something though…. I am really scared. I am scared that I might lose control over harming* myself because I had made such a big effort on not to do so. Truthfully, I can’t stand living like this. I’m hiding my true feelings to my beau because I don’t want him to be worried about me. But he has reasons to be worried, I just can’t control these suicidal scenarios in my head. They take over all the space that I have. They take over my mind, what I think and what I do. They make me feel horrible, sad and really, but really suicidal.
    At this, all of what I’m asking is to be saved.
    Because at this moment I’m feeling as if I was a danger to myself.
    At this point, everyone smile that I have, every laughter that I have, it’s forced upon my face at some times. I am still able to smile and laugh, but I just end up crying myself to sleep but it feels as if it weren’t me.
    All I want is for these scrams in my head to just let me be. To just let me live my own little life.

    **

    Sophie.

    *Edited by The Support Team
    **Content removed by The Support Team

  • #19031
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi there Sophiexx,

    We are glad to hear from you. It sounds like this is an incredibly challenging time for you, a time when you just want someone to reach out and help you and hold you and find a way to make everything feel better. I wish that we here had the power to do that for you. It sounds like you are existing in a space filled with agony right now, where the people around you often tell you that you are making things worse (!). I’m sorry that you’re being told such things, Sophiexx. I would guess that when people put you down like that, it only adds to the pain, and makes you feel more and more isolated, and unable to show them how hard you’re trying just to hold on right now.

    You words are heartbreaking, because they describe the painful way that you are being pulled apart — while one part of you is able to put on the smiles and laughter and act normal, another part is being buried in darkness inside of you. You talk about wanting relief from the screams, and yeah, it must be endlessly stressful to have to live a normal-on-the-outside life while things are falling apart inside and thoughts of suicide won’t leave you in peace. It must be the hardest thing to find hope. :’(

    It’s huge that in the midst of this pain you were able to avoid harming yourself for nearly two weeks. Was there anything that seemed to help you keep your mind off of harming? Was your boyfriend a help with that? It sounds like he is a support for you, even if you’re not able to tell him the full extent of the thoughts that you’re having. I’m glad that you have someone there for you, and I also do encourage you to contact emergency services if you feel like you are going to act on any of the plans that are running through your head.

    We care about you, Sophiexx, and we’re here to listen and support you through your journey as you find a way to live your life without this pain. <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title="

    The Support Team

  • #19052

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    Sorry it’s been such a while.
    I feel so horrible not responding earlier on.

    I just felt as if tonight I needed to vent my emotions out of my body. Sadly, I have this suicidal plan, and this date in my head… and I don’t want to put it out in action, but I feel as if I don’t have a choice.

    I have no clue what to do. Everyday is a new struggle for me and it keeps on pinning me down even more, dragging me into this dark tunnel.

    I need someone to save me from myself because I can’t do so.

    Help me, please.
    I don’t want to succeed in this plan.

  • #19059
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Sophiexx,
    No need to apologize for taking a while to respond — the Forum is here for you when you need it. And it sounds like you really need it today, so I’m glad you felt comfortable coming back.

    I really get the impression that there’s a war raging within you — a part of you longs to end the suffering that has come with your depression that feels as though it will go on forever. Meanwhile, another part of you yearns to find some way, anyway — to escape from the countdown that’s been running through your head.

    It seems like you’re groping around in the dark for an answer of how to get out of this tunnel you find yourself in, but without any light you remain lost and confused. I would imagine that when your search for relief has been so fruitless, it really seems like you cannot find safety for yourself.

    I can hear how isolated you feel, and that you feel the need for someone to save you. As you know, we cannot provide emergency response over this Forum. Is there anyone that can help you in this fight Sophiexx? Who can you call when you need help?

    We don’t want you to utilize that suicide plan either.
    Stay safe,
    The Support Team

  • #19060

    dj
    Member

    keep strong sophiecdxx
    there is always going to be someone there for no matter what you will NEVER be alone

  • #19072

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    Thank you so much for both trying to help me through these hard times.
    Sadly, you aren’t the only person asking me who I can call if I need help, what I can do to get that help.

    I thought about it a few times, and there ain’t anyone I can call or talk to someone. I feel all alone in this *

    “Forgive and Forget”, that’s what I keep repeating to myself. Everyone will end up forgetting me, even if I don’t succeed with this plan. So why should I give up now? Poeple do love me, and they are there to help me, but I feel like my time is soon. *

    *Edited by the Support Team for triggering content

  • #19075
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hey Sophiexx,

    I get the sense your hope for your future is sinking with every day that goes by, and that even small moments of relief seem to be undermined by the massive shadow hanging over you. I really commend you for having the strength to reach out when you are feeling so lost; know that we are not giving up on you and are lending you strength in moments you are facing that shadow head on.

    I can hear that you feel the love of supports around you, but also that you doubt their love is significant enough to keep you in their thoughts. I imagine it feels really lonely to stand next to your loved ones and wonder whether their love has an expiry date.

    It sounds like suicide is still very strongly weighing on you right now, and that thoughts of your plan are crowding your mind. What’s been getting you through these past few weeks when things get really dark?

    We’re glad to hear from you as always, Sophiexx, and glad that you continue to check in here (and in the live chat when you need immediate support).

    The Support Team

  • #19099

    *(Quote from January 23rd Post by Sophiexx)*

    It sounds to me, that you are getting stronger, just by the honesty you’ve shared and the reaching out to others that happens here….

    being a teenager is alot harder than it looks!

    but i promise that the voices will start listening to you now that you are more strong.

    *Quoted content from previous Post removed by The Support Team

  • #19165

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    oh wow! It has been a long while since I posted something here… So… Hi everyone!

    *It’s my birthday on the 31st and that means: going back into my family, going back with an abusive father, and going back to this life that I don’t even want. I am not happy with my family, and never will be. Sadly, they tell me that I make their life miserable, and I am starting to believe that lie. My little brother is tired of living at home, and he just wants to walk out of the house, he’s only fourteen!

    At this moment, I thought that I was stronger than this, that this voice inside of me had fallen asleep, but no, it hasn’t. I’m alone, alone, alone, alone. With no one to help me. The voices are coming back, and I’ve made promises not to harm myself because of them, but I fear that I can’t keep those promises as long as I Iive in this messed up family. I fear that i might not be able to continue on.

    *Edited for identifying information by Youthspace

  • #19173
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Sophie,

    Welcome back to the forum. I’m sorry to hear that your birthday means returning to a situation that causes you so much distress and pain. I can really hear how much you’re dreading the arrival of the 31st. I’d imagine it would really hurt to be told that you make your family miserable even though you seem to know on one level that it’s a lie that you’re the reason for their misery. It seems like it’s awoken the negative voices inside your head all over again and thrust you back into an awful place that you’d hoped to leave behind.

    I get the sense that you’ve been strong for so long Sophie and that you maybe started to feel safe in the strength while the voice was quiet. I bet it was really scary to hear that voice again after a period of silence in your mind. It sounds as though you’re feeling lost and lonely as the voices begin to speak again and that you’re really scared you won’t be able to hold onto those promises of safety.

    We are here for you Sophie as long as you need us and we are also here every night if you want to chat 6-11pm PST.

    <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title=" Youthspace

  • #19174

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    Hi there Youthspace,

    I am not face wherever I go. These voices are getting stronger, but I just want the, to go away. I just want them to let me live my own life. I can’t stand them anymore. Everything just aches and hurts. I’m not strong, like normal people. i’m weak, and make everyone around me soooo miserable.

    i don’t know what to do anymore.
    i sometimes wonder if I can hold own to my own safety…..scared that the *self-harm might come back….

    Soph

    *Edited by the Youthspace Team for triggering content.

  • #19175
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Sophie,

    I can hear how desperately you want those voices to quiet down again and give you some peace- right now it seems like you can’t outrun them no matter what you try. I’m really getting a sense that the pain overwhelms you both emotionally and physically sometimes making you feel as though you can’t carry on. I really see how you compare yourself to others and feel like you fall short each time and I want you to know that I think you’re incredibly strong for continuing to fight this battle even when it feels like winning will be impossible.

    I hear how lost you feel Sophie and I so appreciate you continuing to reach out here. I do hope you find a bit of calm and grounding when you share with us. We certainly appreciate your presence here.

    If you feel like you can’t stay safe I hope that you’ll reach out to someone in your life that might be able to help you or to us via our online chat if it’s between 6-11pm PST.

    We are here for you Sophie as you continue to fight <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title="

    Youthspace

  • #19176

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    Hi Youthspace,

    Sometimes I wonder if people truly understand the pain that i am going through. There are those who just brush it off, there are those who just pretend to be concerned, and there are also those who are truly concerned. It’s just hard to believe that anyone would actually be interested in my own safety, when I dont even know where I stand in this world.

    Life is just so complicated, and scary, and I just can’t take it.

  • #19180
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Sophiexx,

    I think I can hear how lost you feel to be alone with thoughts that seem out of control and frightening in their persistence. It seems like the feelings take you on such a wild ride that you doubt whether anyone could ever truly understand what it feels like. And the truth is that it *is* difficult for any one human being to understand what another is going through. That’s why we encourage people to talk about things — besides just helping you sort out your own thoughts, it can help us get a little bit closer to understanding the pain, the confusion that you are experiencing. <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title="

    From your words, I can hear that you are so uncertain about your own purpose and place in the world. What are some of the thoughts and feelings that are coming up for you when you talk about that?

    I can hear how it’s a stretch of imagination to think that anyone might care about your safety if you yourself have trouble caring sometimes. Please know that we do care, and that we are here to support you when you feel like you’re lost.

    Youthspace

  • #19188

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    And there went my bday. i’m officially older**, which means that I dont live in a foster care anymore, which means I can’t get any support from child services, and which means that my dad can do what the hell he wants. He doesn’t seem to understand that his words, his gestures, are truly hurting the people he loves, especially his kids.

    Tonight, I saw things that I thought shouldn’t have happened. My brother only wanted to be sweet, and he asked my dad to say please when he wanted something. My father got so angry, telling my little brother that he had an attitude, that he had no rights to act that way towards him. My little brother just left the diner table and went crying in his corner. Truth is, my father shouldn’t be acting this way, and it ain’t the first time. I’m just scared that things are going to get worse and worse. I think that every human has the rights to be equal to each other and that we MUST take care of each other!

    I went to see my brother afterwards, in his room, just to give him a hug, see if he was okay, and he just cried and cried. I asked him if he wanted to keep on living here, and he gave me a big no. What am I suppose to do with an answer like that?

    All of this makes me realize that I have no family. That me and my brother are truly alone in all of this mess, and that even though our parents say that they are there for us, that they love us, then why do they keep on treating us like shit? Why do they keep on controlling our lives? Manipulating us? And sometimes abuse* us? That’s not a life…. sometimes it’s torture. And even now*, I still feel as if I haven’t seen the world, as if I’ve havent grown into an adult, and that important pieces of my childhood are missing. Sometimes I wonder if outsiders, complete strangers, notice that we dont have a single sparkle in our eyes, that our smiles are fake. Sometimes I wonder if people see that my little dark world is coming back alive. Sometimes…. just sometimes, I just want to be truly part of a family.

    Is that too hard to ask? A family that treats us right? A family that can love us?

    Sophie

    *Edited by Youthspace for Triggering Content
    **Edited by Youthspace for identifying information

  • #19190
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Sophie,

    I can hear how beaten down you’re feeling now that you’re back in your parent’s house witnessing the same sort of behaviour you’d left behind previously. I’d imagine it would be a terrible sense of hopelessness to have returned to a place you once escaped from. I’m really grateful that you continue to share your journey here with us.

    I’m sensing that you are truly afraid for your safety and the safety of your younger brother — it seems as though you have a special bond with one another and offer some support within the chaos of your environment. It’s really scary to hear that your parents continue to act so violently towards both of you and I wonder if there is anyone in your life that you might be able to reach out to now that some of your old supports are not an option? I also wonder if maybe someone who helped you from child services might be available to support your younger brother who is still in the age range of their services?

    The image of you offering your brother a comforting hug is really beautiful Sophie, I get the sense that you have a very caring heart and that you would move mountains to ensure the safety of someone you care about. I hope that you are able to turn some of that caring inwards as well and show yourself some compassion as that dark world you mentioned begins to return.

    We are here to support you Sophie, both on our forum and through our live chat every night. Also, I want to remind you that if you are afraid for your safety you can reach out to a local crisis line or 911 at any time of the day or night.

    <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title=" Youthspace

  • #19191

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    Dear Youthspace,

    Truth is, I’m started to get scared of everything all over again. I don’t feel like a part of my family, and I don’t feel any connection with the world around me, my friends, or even my teachers. I dont know if I can keep living in this family situation that is not only making me miserable, but that it’s also killing every relationship that I can have with my parents. It really hurts me, makes me cry every night, brings tears to my eyes when everyone talks about their happy family, and just makes me want to self harm so badly.

    I don’t know what to do anymore.

  • #19193
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hey Sophie,

    I can really hear that you feel like fear is beginning to consume you, like snowball, taking everything it its path. I get the sense that you feel like the people you were once close with seem more and more like strangers with each day that passes, and that just adds more weight to the snowball :(.

    It sounds like you fear what might happen if you continue down this path, especially when self-harm seems so viable. It seems that you are struggling to find a solution to hang on to what you still have with your parents. I can only imagine the pain that strikes you when you are reminded of the happy family that you long for.

    Thank you for continuing to share your story with us. We want to keep hearing from you. Please remember that we are here for you every evening if you want to chat. Hang in there Sophie.

    <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title=" Youthspace

  • #19194

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    hi there!

    I made some pretty dramatic decisions in the last couple of hours, and thought that I and to share them to Isomeone…
    – I must file a complaint against my father. I love him, so so much, but I CANT stand living at home with him. We are all scared. Mom, me, little brother, we are all scared and we can’t live a normal life without being scared to get manipulated or even abused. If I dont get rid of him, I fear that I might have to place my little brother somewhere else… And I dont want to do so.

    – Secondly, I took the decision to start harming myself again. It’s been tormenting me for so long, and since people dont want to listen to me while I’m in pain, well I need to put the physical pain that I feel, in which I am not able to talk about, on me… it’s the only way to set me free…. and if it kills me, well it wouldn’t have been my fault but my father’s.

    – Thirdly, I’m running away. I can’t stay here at this moment. I am going crazy. I am bruised, scared and hurt. Life shouldn’t be like this.

  • #19197
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Sophie,

    I can hear that you’ve had some big shifts in your thinking recently and are really taking action to change what’s going on in your life. I really appreciate that you shared these with us and I hope you found some strength in reaching out here as you solidified those decisions in your mind. I really want to encourage you to reach out to the resources you have in your local area — shelters, support workers, child protection (if you feel your younger brother needs some help), and 911 if things reach an emergency level in any way. We want to ensure that you can get any immediate help that you need and with us being so far away and only monitoring our forum at certain times each day we can’t offer assistance in crisis situations.

    It sounds like you really care very deeply for your whole family Sophie and that you truly want to take steps to keep those you love safe. I’d imagine it would be very difficult to feel as though you have to choose between keeping your mom, brother, and self safe and keeping your father in your life. We are here to support you as you take that major step of filing a complaint against your father and with any feelings that arise for you as you do so.

    I’m hearing that you’ve returned to self-harm and that it was a huge decision that you struggled with for some time. I appreciate how hard you fought to resist the urge and I really want to check it with you to see if you feel you can to this safely without endangering your life… are you able to tend to your wounds to ensure they are cleaned and bandaged? I really hope that you will reach out for help if you find your harm is crossing over into life-threatening territory or if you are unsure of how to care for your wounds.

    I’m imagining from your post that you’ve likely already left home. I hope you’ve found safety wherever you’ve gone. I can hear that you’re so desperate to find a place of safety and I truly hope you’re on the path to finding what you need. We are here to support you Sophie.

    Youthspace

  • #19198

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    Hey there Youthspace,

    I dont know what to do anymore. Another week that started horribly. Another week that I just dont want to watch anymore.

    I just feel as if things aren’t working lately, and I just need advice on how to deal with all of these emotions. can you help me?

  • #19199
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Sophie,

    I’m sorry that you continue to be stuck in a situation that feels so unhappy and unsafe for you. It seems like you feel as though you’re trapped, watching the same painful things happen at home again and again (and perhaps this is worsened by having to watch your little brother go through some of the same things that you endured?). I can hear how tired you are of this, Sophie, and how hard it is to keep fighting. I know that filing a report is not an easy move, and there’s no judgement here whether or not you did. Know that we’re here to support you through any feelings that might come up around reporting his behaviour, if you want to share them. <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title="

    As for advice for dealing with feelings…we don’t really give advice, but I can say that our whole service is based around the premise that talking things out can help relieve some of the pain and help you discover your own solutions…so I invite you to use this as a place where you can vent openly and honestly about how you’re feeling right now. Right now, it sounds like the mixture of emotions that’s running through you is so complicated that you barely know what to do with it — would you like to tell us more about that? Feel free to use the chat service as a place to get some of the feelings out as well.

    I don’t know if that really answers your question — I suppose the answer is that we’re here, and we’ll help you as much as we can. <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title="

    Youthspace

  • #19201

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    Hi there,

    Sorry it took a while for me to reply.

    Lately, i’ve been thinking of running away from my home. It wouldn’t be the first time. But since I turned 18, i dont really know what my rights are. Do you guys know? If my parents file a missing report, would the police come after me?

    I just want things to get better.

  • #19205
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Sophie,

    I’m getting the sense that your situation at home is reaching a point where you feel desperate to escape and run away to somewhere that might be free of the pain you’re experiencing. I really appreciate the way that you’ve continued to reach out here to us to share what’s going on for you and let us know how you’re doing.

    I can hear that you’re really hoping to find some answers to your legal rights around leaving home and while we don’t have the answers for you we would love to help you find a place that will. We would welcome you to chat in with us one night (6-11pm PST) and we can help you find a resource for someone in your area that has the answers you need.

    We are here to listen and support you Sophie.
    <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title=" Youthspace

  • #19206

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    Thank you so much for all the support that you have been giving me. It is truly amazing to have people who understand me, and who actually want to take the time to help me through these things, these emotions.

    At this moment, I dont know what to do. I am torn between some suicidal thoughts. Deep ones actually. And although I dont have a plan to end my own life, I just feel like it’s the only solution possible at this moment.

    I feel as if no one around me cares. I feel as if I am a puppet in their own game, and that they are just controlling me in which ever way they want. I feel as if I have no life, no purpose to continue on going, on moving forward, since clearly, since I was a child, I havent been able to control my own life. I dont even know where I stand at the moment. And it’s a scary things.

    Truth is: everything around me scares me. My dad is being so abused, not physically, although I am scared that he might try to hit me, but emotionally. I keep on watching him destroy my mother, and I can’t do anything to help her. She is so depressive, so so sad, and so much happier when he isn’t around. I think everyone is.
    I am scared of my own self. Scared of these voices that I hear in my head. Scared of that little voice that’s been with me for so so so long. I dont even know what it is, what it wants from me. But i am so so scared. I can’t seem to be able to find peace with myself anymore, and everything just seems to stress me out so badly!
    I am scared that my physical pain may be caused by something serious. I’ve been sick for months now, and my parents just dont care. They think that I am manipulating them, but the pain has gotten worse ever since. I can’t see to live a normal life with it, and I am scared that it will eventually kill me.

    What can I do with all of this?

    Sophie

  • #19208
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Sophie,

    I’m really glad to hear that you’re feeling supported and understood here at youthspace and I really want to encourage you to keep sharing what’s going on with you here. It’s really important to us that you get the support you need and we are grateful to be a part of that network. I can hear in your last post that you’re really feeling overwhelmed and searching for a way to sort through all of the things that are going through your head. Unfortunately, given the nature of our service we aren’t able to offer you the answers you seek but we would be more than happy to work with you to help you find a support in your city that would hopefully be able to help you find those answers while we continue to offer you emotional support on your journey.

    From your post I’m getting that the thoughts of suicide are really circling around your head right now but that you’re still committed to finding a way to stay alive and work through the things that are causing you to feel like ending your life. It sounds as though the voices in your head and the hopelessness you feel towards your family situation are really weighing heavily on you and leading you towards wanting to find an escape. I’m really hearing how scary this time is for you Sophie and how desperate you are to find some freedom from the fear.

    I’m really worried to hear about your physical health condition as well Sophie and I want to remind you that we are here every night 6-11pm PST and can work to find you a resource for medical professionals in your city.

    We are here for you Sophie, to listen to what you need to say and support you without judgement or advice.
    <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title=" Youthspace

  • #19210

    sarabug
    Member

    girl I want to just pick you up and hug you, it is so hard to stay strong, keep your head up love, I am glad you have found this site and can reach out here. I am rooting fro you.
    I care.
    Sarabug

  • #19257

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    Hi…

    Wow. I haven’t been here in a loooooong while. I guess things were starting to get better, but they actually aren’t. I’ve realized, just a few days ago, that I keep having this suicidal thoughts, especially when I’m upset or when I’m sad. A voice will just whisper to me the idea to go kill myself and then I find myself not being to stop thinking about. It’s horrible. I’ve spent days wondering if I should go to the nearest police station if I have these thoughts. When they occur, the pull is just so so strong, it’s just so tempting to put an end to my life, the screams are getting louder, and I feel as if nobody wants me here. I don’t know what to do. I’m feeling all alone, as if i’m bothering everyone:
    – My parents just don’t care about me. Well at least they pretend to care, but I can feel it, see it, I am a burden to them and just a trouble maker. I can sense that they wish that I was never born, that I make their life miserable.
    – My friends….. yeah… well I don’t really have some. Just people who ignore me and don’t give a damn about friendship.

    I’ve recently been *self-harming myself again, and it’s a scary thing. I never thought I would go down that road again, I never thought I would end up writing my own goodbye letter.

    Help me :( I need ideas on how to cope!

    *Edited by youthspace for triggering content.

  • #19264
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Sophiexx, welcome. It sounds like things have gotten pretty dark again for you lately. :(

    You said that you’ve been having a lot of suicidal thoughts – those thoughts seem to be popping into your head all the time, without your control, and I can imagine that it’s really stressful to be going along with your day, and then suddenly get swept sideways in that way. :( I can hear how when you feel upset, your mind turns pretty quickly to thoughts of death. I think that your idea about possibly going to the police station, or getting emergency help of some kind is a good one if you get to the point where you feel like you really can’t be safe not to take action on the thoughts. Remember that when we’re open, you can also chat in to youthspace, or text us at 778-783-0177, and we can help you by talking through things and making a plan for your safety. <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title="

    You seem to be feeling exceptionally alone against everything right now, and though it can be so hard to reach out, I am happy that you thought to come back and talk here. You are not a bother to us, and we honestly wish to help you get through these tough times. It’s clearly a really isolating time for you — even with people around you, i get the sense that there’s not really anyone showing you the kind of warmth that you need in order to feel loved and valuable right now.

    I can hear how disappointing it is to find yourself harming again — like it’s a sign for you of how bad things are right now, since you thought it wouldn’t happen again. I can imagine it’s incredibly hard to forgive yourself right now for going back to it, which might just intensify the feelings that make you want to do so.

    I really want to be able to help you find things that will help you to cope, but one of the reasons we don’t give advice here is because what might work for me might not work at all for you. I’ll include a couple of sites here that have some lists of distractions/coping skills that you can look at for yourself, and I’ll remind you as well that we have email counselling available on our site.

    http://Www.walkalong.ca — a newer site, it has a lot of good coping tools, as well as a “lifechart” which you can use to track your moods over time to help you understand them.
    http://www.lifesigns.org.uk/ – a site specific to recovery from self-harm — there’s a good “helping you” section

    We’re here for you, Sophiexx. <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title="

    -youthspace

  • #19265

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    Hi youthspace,

    I feel as if y’all are the only people I can talk to right now.
    It’s horrible to even feel how I feel right now: dark, alone, sad, helpless. Truth is, I wonder how people are able to deal with me, since apparently i make their life miserable. … that’s what my parents say. And even though i just don’t want to believe them, it’s just stronger than me. It’s hurts to even hear those words come out of their mouth. My father thinks that I just want to make him mad, that I just want to hurt him, but he’s the one hurting me, and he’s the one that’s making me suffer. My mom isn’t even trying to control his temper and I just can’t stand being near them anymore. Trough out my life I’ve only been trying to make them happy, and they never thank me. They just expect me to do things their way, right away, and don’t really think about how I feel in all of this.

    I’ve tumbling down in this dark tunnel, unable to climb out. I’ve been going through my old habits: self-harming, bulimia, starving myself. I’m putting the pain that I feel inside, on myself. I want them to realize that I am suffering because, sadly, telling them isn’t working out. They don’t listen to me. It’s as if they don’t care. I could possibly end my life and I have no clue how they might react: cry, laugh, or just no reaction at all.

    I want to get out of this, but I don’t know how anymore. I’m just comfortable in harming myself. It’s become my home, and I’m scared that it might end up taking control over me.

  • #19268
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Sophie,

    I’m so glad that you feel you can share with us here what’s really going on for you. I’m really getting a picture of just how bleak the world seems to you right now and the loneliness you’re carrying in being unable to confide in anyone else. It sounds like you’re getting a very strong message that you are somehow difficult to get along with and that no matter how hard you try to please your parents it just isn’t enough. I’d imagine it would feel horrible to receive so little appreciation for all the effort you put into your relationship with your parents.

    It sounds as though you’ve fallen deep into a dark well of sorrow Sophie and that you’re desperately seeking help to pull yourself back into a place of light. I’m really getting a sense of how you punish yourself physically as a way to cope with the feelings you’re experiencing and how torn you feel about giving up these behaviours. It sounds as though there is a safety in the familiar, even when that familiar is pain. I know we’ve checked in about this before Sophie but I want to ask again whether you’re able to stay safe from suicide and whether you’re in danger of accidentally ending your life through your self-harm?

    We are here to listen to you Sophie and to offer support when you need it.

    <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title=" Youthspace

  • #19293

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    Hi there,

    It’s been a while that I’ve written on here… I guess it’s because I had a few weeks where everything seemed to get better.

    But lately, everything has been crashing down. My parents are ignoring me, pushing me away completely, and when I try to talk to them, to tell that how badly I feel after a fight, they just don’t listen to me, and they just don’t want to understand me.

    I’m at the point where I have no clue what my life has arranged for me. I’ve written a letter, a dark one, and I’m not proud of it. But I’m scared. Scared of my own parents, scared if eventually they’ll end up pushing me away for good.

    I just want to get out of all of this… even if it’s means leaving everything you love, everyone you care about, behind.

  • #19296
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hello Sophiexx,

    I am really glad you reached out to us again. After having a few positive weeks, to have everything come crumbling down around you sounds like it would be incredibly disappointing.

    I imagine that turning to your parents for love and compassion and being met by their rejection would be very painful for you. I get the sense you’ve been trying hard to talk with them, to be vulnerable and share your fears and your sadness. I’d guess that would make the fact that it seems like they are ignoring you now hurt even more. I can really hear how much you’re longing for someone to be there for you, to truly see you and understand what it is like for you. I think all of us need and deserve that kind of care and support.

    You mentioned how much you want these painful feelings to end and that you’ve written a dark letter and I wondered if suicide is on your mind again?

    It sounds like this is a really scary and lonely time for you. Please know, we are always here to listen and help you the best we can. Stay in touch.
    <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title=" Youthspace

  • #21970

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    Hey there youthspace.

    WOW. It has been long since I last opened this page and wrote a few words down. I guess I was doing a bit better. But I’ve realized lately that I’m not doing okay. I’m scared of my own self. Unhappy of who I am. You know how they say when 11:11 pops on make a wish. You know what wish I always make?: I want to die. And I find it so so sad. I realized that no one around me sees my pain, so they just keep on making everything so hard, so painful. I’m getting tired of being this person that I’m not. Of being someone that my parents want me to be because they can’t accept that I’m suffering. I have no clue how to tell them that I’m living in a dark world, that every single time I see a pool I just want to drown myself. I’m so angry inside. So sad at the same time. It’s painful. It’s upsetting. To fall asleep at night crying, I hate it. To not even be able to sleep because you have so many dark thoughts in your head, yeah it’s super painful.

    I last chatted in and wrote to you guys in February, and I was in a dark place. I thought things got better but they just got darker. Here I am, alone, wondering how the hell I can be useful, because I full useless. I’m 19, I shouldn’t feel this way. I should’t think of dying every single moment of day.

    I need someone to talk to. Someone to understand. And I thought of you guys.
    I need some ways to cope, because I want to hold on. I don’t want to crumble into pieces like I have in the past. I do smile, I am sometimes happy. I just want it to always be this way. Do you get me ?

  • #22011

    user
    Keymaster

    Hi Sophiexx,

    I can really hear that life has become so dark for you again after a while of feeling like you were doing better. I can hear how much you just want this pain and pressure to stop, how much you want those happy moments in your life to be more than just moments. I can see you wanting to reach out and feel connected and supported but have not found the help there when you need it. It must be very heartbreaking and exhausting to have to hide your pain from those you love. At the same time I hear your anger at not having them to support you, the frustration that those loved ones should be there but are not.

    I can hear how much you want things to become better and change, but I don’t know how to change it all and so can give you no advice. But we can be here for you, listening and caring for you. I can see you wish your parent understood more of your pain. I can see that we have posted some resources here previously, so I hope you might find some more possibly helpful.

    http://www.yourlifecounts.org/need-help/your-situation -> this site has support and ideas for yourself and a page that you may be open to pointing your parents to on how to support those with suicidal thoughts and all that pain.

    http://www.calm.com -> if you are into meditation, guided or not, this is a nice site for possibly taking a moment to try to breath
    http://1000awesomethings.com/ -> this is list of distractions you may find helpful to add to your coping skills or just distractions when the darkness starts become overwhelming.

    Your suffering and exhaustion are so visceral, I am sorry that you feel the intense pressure to hide it all away, making you so alone in it. We will continue to be here for you, listening and caring. Our forums and chat lines are open to you as you walk through this darkness.

    <3 Youthspace

  • #22560

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    So hey…

    So Uni started for me, which is like a totally new step for me. I have a boyfriend now, which I thought would never happen again since my last break up. But yet, somehow, I just hurt. Everywhere. And this is not normal to feel this way. I’ve put my pain into training, which is coming super dangerous cause I’m losing way too much wait. So I’ve stopped. Not the only I can seem to cope with my emotions, with my stress, is to just want to self-harm* myself. I haven’t done anything yet. But trust me, the thought is there, somewhere. I’m swirling into this dark dark world again, I can feel. And I really don’t want too. I don’t want to hurt the people around me. It would just make things worse on my emotional side.

    I’m a complete mess, a very big mess. And I’m scared that one day this mess will explode.

    I’m sorry, I just needed to write this somewhere where I knew it wouldn’t be read by everyone close to me. 🙁

    *Edited by YS staff for potentially triggering material.

  • #22575
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hello Sophiexx,

    I would like to start by saying you need never apologize to us for coming here to share what your feeling, as well it is our honour to try and provide a safe space for you to say what you need to say.

    It seems like you’re circling a familiar and dark place and perhaps feel that this could damage some of the new positive influences in your life. To me that speaks of love, that no matter the darkness you may be feeling your concern for those close to you shines through. I can really hear how much these feeling are building up inside you leading to make you feel as though you’re going to explode, I feel that with the added stress of the expectation of University that must feel very intense.

    We are here for you as ever, please do chat in if things are getting to dark.

  • #23052

    Sophiecdxx
    Participant

    Hey! It’s me again! Haven’t logged in in a while. I guess I was doing better for a while now. But things have gone downhill so fast and I’m just stuck. I really don’t know what to do. I feel like I have no support around me and although i try to reach out to people I just get shut down or laughed out and it just brings me down so much.

    I’ve never felt a low like this in a while. Any ways in coping with this?

  • #23054
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Sophiecdxx!

    Welcome back…though I wish it were under better circumstances.

    It must feel so disheartening to feel like you are slipping back into that place of darkness. I get the sense that you are feeling so alone and so dejected in your sorrow, especially when you try to reach out for support. I can also hear the fear from you that you might slip back down, so far down that where you stood just a few days ago seems utterly unattainable.

    It feels like you have spent a great deal of time and effort to keep pushing yourself and climbing that hill. I’m also sensing that your usual means of self-care and coping strategies just aren’t helping as much as you need them to right now.

    I have scoured our resources here and found a couple in hopes that it can help you through this terribly distressing time:

    Dealing with Depression –> this website has some really good tips and skills for working through depression as well as some quick facts.
    Students Against Depression –> has a lot of really good information and a few guides on tackling depression.

    I hope you are able to find some peace and regain your footing.

    Know that we are here for you, any time on the Forum and from 6pm-12am PST on the chat.

    <3 Youthspace

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