Hi there Bri123,

Welcome to our forum. Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out and share your situation with us here at youthspace. I get the sense that these feelings of sadness and loneliness have been with you for a very long time and that you’ve been fighting a hard battle towards happiness that you can’t seem to win.

I can hear that your days are spent in isolation — even in places like school where you might be physically surrounded by others you are still somehow completely alone. I’d imagine that would be difficult to say the least since it sounds like you’ve done your best to reach out to those around you. I bet it would be difficult to try to carry on a “normal” conversation with anyone when your soul is crying out to be heard and loved.

I can hear how real suicide is for you Bri123 and it seems like you are doing everything you can to keep yourself safe but that maybe those things don’t feel like enough. Do you feel like you are still able to stay safe? I wonder if there are any strategies that help you when the urge to end your life arises? We are here to support you through this darkness — and we are also available by chat 6-11pm PST (and until midnight on Fridays and Saturdays) if you’d like to chat in real time.

The Support Team

Hi Bri123,
Thanks for being so honest about your thoughts on ending your life. I can imagine it must be frightening to consider how painful such a process must be and I’m really happy to hear that you avoid triggering environments.

I get the sense that you know yourself well enough to understand what works for you and what doesn’t. Sounds like you are resourceful at finding the right type of support to keep yourself from ending your life.

Seems like every day is a little bit different than the last for you, however, even on good days, the pain can creep up to remind you that it is still there. I can hear how hard you have been fighting to keep yourself safe during difficult times. I hope you continue to find sources of support when life throws a pile at you. Your ability to reach out in tough times is inspirational.

It is true and unfortunate that due to lack of funding we no longer can accept chatters from the US but please continue using the services that you are familiar with and work for you.

Our hearts are with you through your struggle,

The Support Team

Hey Brit123,

I get the sense you’re feeling pretty hopeless about the future and are struggling to see how things are going to get for better for you. It seems like things are really piling up for you right now and the task of dealing with everything is starting to feel impossible and even, a little pointless. It sounds as though you’re feeling really fed up, fed up of feeling bad and fed up of trying in a reality that does not feel so real at all.

When you say,”Know one knows who I really am or what I really feel”, I can imagine how sad and alone you feel. I can really hear how much you’re longing to have someone really see and understand the real you. It sounds like you want to share who you are with someone who genuinely cares about you. I can imagine not having that connection fills you with despair and heartache.

From what you said, it sounds as though suicide is really weighing on your mind and I am worried about you. I am glad you’re reaching out to us Brit123, and we want to hear from you. You really do matter to us, stay in touch!

The Support Team

Hi Bri,

I get the sense that for the time being you’ve flown out of the turbulence and your aircraft is gliding along smoothly, just the way it’s supposed to… but that you don’t trust there isn’t another storm ahead that will shake you and throw you down towards the ground below. I’d imagine it’s a terrible feeling to be so unsure whether to trust these moments of calm or whether to brace yourself for dark times ahead.

I hope this calm lasts for you too Bri, and we are here to listen to what’s going on for you whether it lasts or not.

I’m so glad to hear that you want to keep posting on our site and I really want you to know that we absolutely care about you and want to offer any support we can both on the forum and through live chat in the evenings if you want a more immediate response.

The Support Team

Bri,
My fingers are crossed for your audition! It sounds like your passion lies in theatre, and the prospect of being in this show really brightens your spirits. What is it about being in a show that makes your life glow?

I get the sense that you have a hard time believing that anyone could care about you, maybe even that you feel unworthy of love and support? While, it’s true, we don’t know you completely, I think it’s safe to say we get to see a piece of you and your life here on the forum and I truly believe that is enough to build a caring connection. I’m glad we get to talk in this way, so thanks for sharing your voice. Your use of this forum as an outlet (as you say) is inspiring, to me, and others I’m sure.

Take good care of yourself,
The Support Team

Hey Bri,
I get that your heart and soul is really fueled by theatre, and this upcoming audition brings hope that you will soon have purpose again.

You said that life without a show can be hell and we are here if you want to tell us more about what that hell looks like.

Seems like these next 2weeks may be painfully empty for you. I’m wondering what you can do to take care of yourself in the meantime? What is keeping you going?

Thank you for writing and letting us know what happened with the audition. You matter to us.

The Support Team

Hi Bri…it’s been a rough time, hey?

You might not feel as though it was, but I think that it was hugely brave of you to tell your parents how you were feeling. It sucks that they don’t really seem to know how to help. It must have been awful to go out on a limb, and then find that their response was to think about taking away one of the things that has been helping you cope. That’s not good.

It’s scary to hear that on Tuesday you were left alone, and had to sit by yourself with the feelings and thoughts that were making you want to end your life. It really illustrates for me what you mean when you say that you regret telling your parents. Knowing that you are feeling suicidal, you must have been hoping that your mom would show concern by not leaving you alone. When she didn’t, you must have felt deserted and saddened, which can’t have helped at all…

At this point, hiding behind the mask again must seem like a defense against things like that that just add to the pain…something you can’t afford if you’re already struggling to find reasons to keep living. I get that. I’m curious…..what kind of support do you think you would have liked from your parents?

And how do you think you might be able to cope until the next show starts? Are you still able to try the other chat services if things feel really unbearable in the moment?

Feel free to talk it out here as much as you need to.
-The Support Team

Hey Bri,

I can really hear how hurt you still feel by your parents’ reaction to your suicidal thoughts. I can imagine you had a scenario in your mind of how it would go and were really disappointed when they reacted as they did, and more so to see that it didn’t change much, at least not how you hoped. Sounds like you long for a particular style of support that they are unaware of .

Congrats on the auditions! I’m glad that you were allowed to go and that it lifted your spirits for the time being. I’m really sorry to hear about your lap top being taken away, it seems like it is another important tool for coping. Have you thought of what other ways you will be able to fight the urge if the lap top is unavailable? Seems that writing helps a little, it would be unfortunate for you to stop. Maybe you can think of alternative to writing online?

Our fingers are also crossed for you and our hearts always open.

The Support Team

Bri,
The determination that you show, in coming here to share your feelings given the exhaustion that weighs you down, is inspiring to me.

I can see that you are struggling really hard right now. Struggling to find reasons to live. Struggling to find people that understand and can provide the support that you need.

I also see a wealth of strength inside you. Something is keeping you here. Can you tell us what is it that has you holding on? You said you are so tired and you really seem to be at your wit’s end. Do you have a plan to kill yourself Bri?

If you want to talk in a different way you are able to email our Youth Counsellors via the EMAIL button at the top of our site. Or you can Chat at CrisisChat.org

I am so thankful that you are still here with us Bri. I’ll be holding you in my thoughts.
The Support Team

Hey Bri,

I get the sense you’re walking through life dazed that you have not acted on your suicide plan, that after all you’ve been through and all the pain that comes with it, you continue to survive. You see it as fear that keeps you from acting on your plan, and I want you to know that what I see is a tremendous strength to fight through the torment. We are so glad you are here and that you’re reaching out with your thoughts.

It sounds like you’ve been really thrown by the change of schools this week. I imagine the heightened anxiety and stress about figuring out your new school and new routines are just adding weight to what is already an immense burden of awful emotions.

Keep talking, keep fighting, know that we are here as you face this new challenge

Support Team

Oh Bri, it sounds like the schedule at your new school is immensely stressful, while thoughts of what people are saying about you at your old school are also clearly hitting you hard. I would guess you are resentful of other people who are so easily fooled by your false smile and don’t make the effort to look past it and notice how much you are really hurting. I imagine you are angry at yourself for allowing people to bulldoze over your feelings, but also scared what will happen if they see how fragile and vulnerable you really are.

I get the sense you’re running yourself ragged to meet the expectations of your parents, while also feeling incredibly let down by their silence after you disclosed to them how bad things really are for you. It seems as though their apathy has seeped into your own feelings of hopelessness, leaving you feeling disconnected from any reasons you may have once had not to act on your plan to end your life. Is anything helping distract you from the thoughts of suicide when they get really intense?

When it feels like no one else cares, know that we do Bri

The Support Team

Hi Bri123,

I know it must seem strange — receiving support from someone far away across the vast expanse that is the internet — how could they possibly care about what you’re going through? Though I don’t know you personally I’ve gotten a sense of your struggle and the pain you’re going through from your posts. From one human being to another, I can assure you that I do care about you.

I can imagine how scary it must be to reach out for someone, anyone, only to be met with rejection from those in your life. It almost seems as though if you had just one person to connect with you could hold on to that love and affection as a sign that things are worth fighting for. Is there anyone you can think of who could support you during these rough times?

Your apathy about living or dying worries me Bri123 — I would guess that things just seem like too much for you to bear right now, leaving you exhausted.

We’ll be here for you,

The Support Team

Hi Bri123,
I can really hear the deep resentment that you have towards your feelings of isolation and emptiness. I get that these feelings have clung to you, taken you hostage and you’re totally at their mercy. I can hear that you really hate feeling this way, yet you are so weighed down, I’d imagine that feeling differently seems impossible at times. Can you remember a time when you felt happy, healthy and supported? What would feeling differently look like for you?

Seems like you feel betrayed by your friends when they aren’t there for you when you need them. I’m thinking that their neglect is extremely painful for you, especially when you’re always ready to support them, even at a cost to yourself. And, I can sense how exhausting it is to project a version of yourself that isn’t authentic. I’m wondering what sort of notice you want your friends to give you?

It sounds like feeling so intensely for so long has left you numb — which is almost preferable to the incredible pain that has plagued you for so long. I’m glad you keep connecting here.

Sending you strength and hope,
The Support Team

Bri,
It looks like you are in so deep that you cannot see through the fog of despair back to a time when life has hopeful and happy. While some things have improved, and the school switch has helped on some levels, I’m seeing that other areas of your life seem completely broken. The success of finding a few friends has been overshadowed by the lack of care from your parents. I hope that you know that you deserve love and affection Bri. You are worth so much care.

When I really worry about you Bri, thinking of you feeling this way, so apathetic about life. I get the sense that you are very much alone with this fatigue and heartache. Is there anyone in your life that you would feel comfortable sharing some of your feelings with? Can we support you in connecting with a caring individual?

You mentioned death again, and I know that you previously mentioned that you don’t care enough to kill yourself, but I want you to know that if that ever changes we want to hear about it. We’re here for you Bri, and want to support that piece of your soul that is clinging to life, hoping that something will change for the better.

Sending strength,
The Support Team

Hi Bri,

Thanks for checking in with us. I get the sense you’re feeling just as exhausted and hopeless as ever, and are tired of running into dead ends when you try to get help from those around you. I imagine it’s extremely disheartening to still feel like nothing’s changed, and that you’ve tightened up your armour to hide your pain from those that make it worse instead of better for you.

I know we’re probably starting to sound a bit like a broken record, but as it’s been a few weeks since we last spoke I’m wondering where your thoughts of suicide are at these days?

Glad to hear from you, as always
The Support Team

Hi Bri,

I’m really glad that you were able to come back and give us an update about what’s going on for you right now. It sounds like your circumstances haven’t shifted too much on the outside but that you’re using self-harm as a way to cope with everything in your life. It’s really scary to hear that self-harm might be a step in the direction of ending your life and I really want to invite you to keep visiting us here and on our nightly chat service (6-11pm PST) for more support.

I can hear that suicide is still definitely on your mind these days and that you haven’t been able to open up to your parents about those thoughts inside your head. We are here to support you through these dark times and to listen to whatever you need to say here. I can really sense how much you want your parents to recognize your pain through your scars, as if them noticing would tell you that they love and pay attention to you, and that maybe if they were to notice then something could begin to shift for you.

I wonder if there is anyone else in your life that you might share your scars with and open up to about what’s been going through your head about ending your life?

Take good care of yourself Bri and know that you are in our thoughts
The Support Team