March 25, 2013 at 7:29 pm #16396
I have ADHD, SID, Autism Spectrum, OCD and another neurological disorder that specialists can’t figure out. I also have a few minor physical disorders that stop me from doing strenous activities. I don’t wish I was born without these. I also get unique fainting spells. These things are part of me and I’ve accepted them. The thing is, other people haven’t.
My mum doesn’t trust me. I’ll admit, I’ve made a lot of mistakes. But I’ve more than made up for those with the right things I have done and the ways I’ve fixed my mistakes. When I do something wrong, she blows it out of porportion. She rages at me for spilling drops of milk on the counter when it can easily be wiped up with a dish cloth, for instance. The sad part is, she only seems to remember when I do something wrong. When I do something that would make another person think of me as trustworthy, she’s either not there, or ignores it. This has made her form an opinion that I am not trustworthy. This means she gives my younger sistr a bunch of freedoms I don’t have.
Sometimes I’ll ask a question, and my family will ignore me. I used to ask once more, thinking they didn’t hear me. Now I know that they just don’t care enough to answer. So if they don’t answer when I ask, I leave it alone. It hurts a lot. It makes me feel like I’m not worth anything to them. Me and my sister have a on/off hate/friendly relationship. Sometimes we get along. Sometimes we argue. Sometimes she says something as a joke (how much I weigh, or my disorders, or other things) and it really hurts me.
My dad jokes about me with her right in front of me. He isn’t trying to hurt me. He just doesn’t think it hurts me. I’ve told him it does, but he continues anyway. It feels like my value as a joke is higher than my value as a person.
My Mum’s side of the family, including my mum, pay more attention to me than they do to my sister. The thing is, it’s negative attention.
My sister (when we’re in a friendly moment) has told me that she notices they treat me a lot wors than they treat her. They are a lot harder on me.
An acquintance told me that a counselor at my school, asked if he needed counseling after speaking with me. He said no, because I had said nothing that would or could make him need counseling. This hurt me more than anything else. Am I so horrible, Am I such a monster, that someone would need counseling after speaking with me? Is that what the adults around me think of me.
I used to be a happy, energetic person. I still am, on the outside.
March 28, 2013 at 2:54 am #18708
Hey Green Lizard,
I can hear how immensely frustrated you are that the people around you only seem to focus on one dimension of who you are. It sounds like while you have accepted your diagnoses and disabilities as part of yourself, you are finding that others aren’t willing to look past that part and acknowledge the REST of you. I would guess you are sick and tired of being seen and treated like a second rate person because of your differences.
I get a sense that you are deeply hurt by the way people treat you differently, and that every instance–your mum’s anger and distrust, your dad’s jokes, your sister’s offhand comments, the counselor’s judgement–is chipping away at your sense of self-worth. I imagine it is taking a tonne of effort for you to convey the facade of a happy energetic person when inside you are crumbling. What thoughts are you hiding on the inside? What is giving you the strength go on right now?
I’m so glad you’ve come here to tell your story, Green Lizard, and I hope you will continue to connect. Take care.
the Support Team
March 29, 2013 at 1:07 am #18709
Thanks, that really helps.
I almost decided to end it yesterday. A friend convinced me not to. I don’t know how to deal any more. My friends are great, but feeling like this isn’t worth it. My dad said something that offended me. I told him I felt insulted and he just started laughing and said it’s my fault because I was offended. My sister entered the room and said “what is wrong with you?” The I told her and she said “She’s starting it again?” to dad. And my dad says “She always gets so offended over nothing” Then my sister told me to shut up because she didn’t want to hear me.
I really don’t know what to do any more. My friends and Uncle are all that’s keeping me staying here in Victoria. I’m thinking of going either up Island, or to the mainland. They’ve got some youth shelters I can stay at in Vancouver. But ending it is sounding pretty good. I just don’t want my body to be found, and I’m scared of people’s reaction if they find me and I’m still half alive, or if I’m just about to do it. I don’t want to see anyone’s face filled with pity if they look at me. So running away is a good option. I wouldn’t have to see anyone’s face. I don’t want anyone IRL to help me. I don’t want their help, I just want to be left alone.
**Update I’m not having suicidal thoughts at the moment. I was just really low yesterday. I still don’t want to talk to anyone IRL about what’s going on. I’m on pills for depression but they aren’t helping. Basically the thing that helps me keep going is that there’s so many people I could help if I lived. There are people who would miss me as well and my stomach churns to think of the people I know upset about me dying. Keeping up a happy face actually makes me physically tired. Today other people started to ignore me. It’s like they didn’t notice I was there. I feel invisible.
March 30, 2013 at 5:38 am #18714
We’re glad to hear from you again, and we’re honoured that you’re sharing your story with us.
It sounds like you’re exhausted and fed up with being treated with so little respect — to the point where ANY escape from constantly being misunderstood seems like it would bring relief. The comments that your family makes sound like they leave you feeling demeaned and worthless, and that your mind is drawn towards death or running away as possible ways out of the pain…. Thank you for the update (and your honesty) about your suicidal thoughts, Green Lizard. I can only imagine how much emotional weight you were feeling when you wrote the message. I’m glad that you had a friend to help you get through that dark place. Obviously the pain is very real for you; how are you feeling now? How tempting do those thoughts seem?
I can honestly hear SO much of your unique strength and will to live in your words, and I can only imagine how frustrated you must feel to be driven to such emotional pain by the words of other people around you. Words really can harm, as can actions. It must be incredibly hard to face some people when you know that they might treat you like you’re invisible, like you don’t matter… You’ve mentioned that you don’t want to get support from anyone IRL; if you ever want another place to work through the feelings, there is also email counseling available on our website as well. I get the sense that your emotions are a tangled web as you struggle to find ways to keep going.
I think it is beautiful that you gather strength from thinking about the people that you could help…and I’ve noticed that you’ve already given really heartfelt support to some of our other users. Thank you for being there and sharing your heart.
We have never met, but you are not invisible here. We can hear your pain.
The Support Team
March 30, 2013 at 9:11 pm #18715
I almost cried when I read that. Mostly because I’m starting to believe I’m not worth it and it told me someone thought otherwise. I keep telling myself ‘no one likes you’ ‘no one wants you’ ‘why even try to be a good person.’ I try not to but that’s what it feels like. It makes me want to prove myself wrong, so I try to help where I can. I’ve been realizing lately that I’ve affected people with what I’ve said badly. They don’t seem bothered by it, but I realize that when they’ve insulted me, it hurts unbelievably. That’s why I’m trying not to say things like that to people. It’s really only my sister that I fight with in that way, but if she feels when I insult her how I do when she insults me then I want to try to argue as little as possible. I don’t want anyone to hurt like I am. I’m really emotional at the moment, little things can make me cry or really happy. The smallest act of kindness someone shows me can make me happy for a few moments because it seems like someone cares. But it’s almost as if something bad always happens within the next few minutes that makes me feel worthless again. It’s like some force wants me to feel bad about myself. I used to SI but I haven’t recently, something always stops me, and I’ve realized it doesn’t help that much. I’ve been trying to avoid physical contact recently. I feel uncomfortable when someone touches me. I jump and pull away whenever someone puts a hand on my shoulder. The thing is I’m also struggling with my sexuality right now. I’m bi-curious and I don’t know what to think about my best friend. I don’t know if my feelings for her are romantic or just normal. She’s the only one I feel comfortable with physical contact. I also feel almost normal when I’m with her, like I’m worth something. I don’t want to ruin my friendship with her, and I’m not even sure if the feelings I have are romantic, all I know is I feel comfortable around her like no one else. I can be myself around her- almost. I haven’t told her everything about my depression. I’m good friends with her sister as well. Her sister is the only one who knows how close I was to ending it. She was on Facebook at the time and I needed someone to talk to. I knew I could talk to her. She and her sister I both feel comfortable around, but my best friend is the one I feel closest to. Her sister tends to say insulting things with no ill intention unknowingly. Anyway, I’ve been better recently. I haven’t been very low in the last while, I just feel stressed.
April 3, 2013 at 1:36 am #18719
Green Lizard, you ARE worth it. You absolutely are. I can hear how impossible it’s feeling for you to believe you are worthy of good things, especially when every glimmer of kindness you experience is quickly followed by something bad. I admire your conviction to do as little harm to others as possible…I imagine on the one hand it is difficult to rise above the pain others have caused you, but on the other hand you can so clearly see how other peoples’ actions have affected you.
It sounds like you’re feeling lost in your own skin right now, unsure what it is about your friend that makes you comfortable with her touch and no one else. I imagine it’s scary to wonder both what your feelings mean and whether they might change your friendship with her, a friendship that seems to provide you with so much support and acceptance.
I get a sense from your last few posts that both suicide and SI are on your mind these days, but that you are feeling strong from acting on either. Keep checking in with us about where those thoughts are for you, okay?
the Support Team
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