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  • #16491

    Gitit
    Member

    I am thinking a lot about suicide. I find the thoughts distressing. I try not to engage with them, but it is really hard to distract myself. It is constant. Suicide is not an option. I know that, but I cannot stop the thoughts. It is exhausting. It is wearing me down. I need the thoughts to stop. It is hard to ignore them, and talking about doesn’t change them, either. My thinking is becoming increasingly distorted, and I am aware of that, and it scares me. My brain is telling me that I want to die. I am starting to believe it. I wish I could convince myself otherwise.

  • #19256

    Terezi
    Participant

    You really should talk to someone you trust ASAP
    It’s very important somebody knows what you’re going through so they can help.
    In the meantime you can always fill your time up with fun, positive things, I personally like animes and video games like Mario because they’re simple, fun, and distracting.
    Also make sure you eat regularly and healtly, and get plenty of sleep. Those are just some tips to help with the brunt of the load.

  • #19258

    Gitit
    Member

    Thanks for your response. My therapist is aware of these thoughts. I don’t feel as though there is a lot that she can do to help. I’m not feeling any fun or enjoyment right now. It is a struggle just to get through the basic activities of every day life. My goals during the day are mostly to eat, and get dressed. I try to sleep at the same time every day. I’m having a hard time distracting myself.

  • #19260
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Gitit,

    It sounds like you’re feeling attacked by images of ending your life, that they are coming on relentlessly. I also get the sense you feel helpless to these thoughts, they come at you in such unexpected ways almost as though they are infiltrating your mind from outside yourself. I can hear how strongly you are fighting against these thoughts, fighting for the part of you that wants to live, and that it’s completely depleting your energy just to get through the day. When you think about suicide, do you find yourself making a plan to end your life?

    I hope you will continue to check in with us throughout your fight…from the sounds of it, you’re starting to feel cracks in your resolve to stay alive, and we’ll be here for you lending you all the strength we can spare.

    <3 Youthspace

  • #19261

    Gitit
    Member

    I’m definitely feeling helpless, and depleted. I don’t have a plan, but it takes a lot of energy to disengage from those thoughts. When I find myself starting to make a plan, or doing research online, I am usually able to stop myself. I call a friend, or crisis line. I trust myself, for now. It is hard for a lot of reasons. I have been wanting to be alone. I hate reaching out. I hate having to be honest about the depth of this darkness. Sometimes, I start to feel as though suicide would be the only escape from these thoughts. That scares me a lot. I really don’t want suicide to be an option. I don’t want to live either, but I know that I don’t have the right to end my life. My life is not just mine.

  • #19266
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Gitit, thanks for coming back in.

    I’m really hearing how hard it is too reach out for support in your darkest times.

    I want you to know that your strength in pushing onwards and reaching out to the supports you have in your life as well as seeking out new ones is inspiring and I hope that you’re finding some relief in getting these things out there.

    You mention that you find it hard to trust yourself, is that part of the internal struggle you’re facing?

    We’re here for you as best we can.

  • #19267

    Gitit
    Member

    I just want to die. I want these thoughts to stop. I want the hurt to stop. I just want to die. I hate that I have to stay alive. I want to give up. I wish I had a plan. I wish I had a method. I wish I could stop caring about my family and friends.

    I used to be impulsive. I would attempt suicide, and wake up in the hospital. It was always worse to fail an attempt. That feeling would be worse than this. I don’t want to end up back in the hospital, but I need these thoughts to stop. I don’t want to do this any more. I don’t know how to force myself to function for days on end. I’m tired of fighting. I’m so tired.

  • #19269
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hey Gitit,

    Reading your words, I get the image of someone treading water in a dark lake. It sounds like you been trying to find the shore for a long time now and you’re exhausted and fed up and in need of some love and support. I can hear how drained you feel and how one part of you is ready to give up and I wonder what have you done in the past to take care of yourself when you’re feeling this down?

    I get the sense there is a war going on inside of you. On the one hand, suicide is on your mind and on the other hand, it sounds like you are longing to find another route out of your pain, another way to stop the thoughts that endlessly go round in your brain, so you can live a full life without so much hurt.

    I get how despairing you feel and I want you to know we’re here for you both on the forum and on Youthspace Chat, which is open every night 6-11pm PST if you want to reach out to us in real time.

    Thinking of you,
    <3 Youthspace

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