January 4, 2015 at 7:24 am #16495
I used to be quite a calm person, mostly able to keep my emotions handled and have no insane outbursts. `I also used to be close to my sisters and parents. And now, I can’t even say a full two sentences to them without getting so angry I could punch something. I don’t know if my unexplained anger is because of how I compress my emotions such as never crying and never fully being honest? It is getting so severe.
I think it was two years ago when I began self harming. It didn’t stop until this last few months, I haven’t tried to harm myself for at least a full month. I haven’t even stopped because I have gotten better. I stopped because the parts of my body that I like to *self-harm, were too obvious and if I *self-harm there, everyone will find out again. I freaking stopped for everyone else. Not for myself. I am moving out of my cherished home for my family, not for myself. Just recently my mom basically told me I was unbearable so I should go live somewhere else. And now that I am all packed and ready to go, I feel so empty and lonely that I want to die. The only thing stopping me from killing myself for the past two years has been my family. ANOTHER THING NOT FOR MYSELF. I just don’t know what to do anymore. These emotions are unbearable. I am not sure how much longer I can keep on going. And I can’t explain why my emotions are so crazy and unpredictable.
*edited by youthspace because of potentially triggering content.
January 6, 2015 at 4:09 am #19284
It seems to me you’re teetering on the edge of a huge cliff, facing the big changes that come along with moving out. I imagine it’s a scary place to be, both because you can’t see what’s at the bottom and because you’re emotions have been so unpredictable you don’t know if you can trust yourself not to fall. It sounds like living with and being around your family has been very aggravating lately, but also has protected you from taking steps to end your life. I’m worried to hear that those thoughts of suicide are strengthening as you face such a big transition. When do you move? Do you have supports in your life you can reach out to after you leave home?
I can hear how hurtful it was to have your mom imply you are unbearable, especially since you are fighting so hard to keep a handle on your self harm for your family. I would guess you resent how little your family sees or understands that you struggle within yourself to protect them from the worst of your emotional turmoil. You said you don’t want them to find out you are self harming again…I’m curious what happened last time someone found out?
Know that we will of course be here for you when you need online support through this challenging time.
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