Hi grenouille19, Im glad you posted – you’re not alone here

Its clear how much youre hurting Im hearing that self harm is really the only thing that helps ease the pain, but its also causing you a lot of extra feelings you wouldnt have if you didnt self harm I dont know how old you are, but Im getting the sense youve used self harm as a coping strategy for awhile now… Im wondering if the thoughts of suicide are more recent? Im worried about you, and happy youre talking about it with us… does anyone else know how bad its been getting?

You mentioned that you don’t know what else to do besides self h. and I was curious if youve tried anything else? Has there ever been a time when you couldnt self h., so you had to do something else and it kinda worked? Not sure if youre interested, but heres a list of some ideas… http://self-injury.net/information-ecovery/recovery/distractions The distractions obviously arent a solution, but they are safer… and we want you to be safe.

Stay strong grenouille19, and stay connected…
the Support Team

Hey grenouille,

From your first post, I get the sense that SH harm has been a part of your life for so long now that it seems difficult to think of living without it. It’s been a lengthy and extremely lonely struggle, hasn’t it? I’m hearing that it isn’t easy for you to think about telling people that you SH; maybe the possibility of being misunderstood is worse than trying to get through it alone…I’m wondering how you’re feeling about the suggestion that the person made that you seek help or treatment? Am I right in hearing that you don’t really like the idea? :S

From your second post, it sounds like your exhaustion and pain are reaching a breaking point. You said that suicide has been on your mind for a while, and there’s a feeling like you’re done with everything. My heart goes out to you, grenouille; I can hear how hopelessly dark and lost you’re feeling. :’( It sounds like you’re SO tired from fighting the pain that you want to curl up with the only thing that seems to help at all (SH) – and have the rest of the world disappear for a while. I’m wondering if suicide is becoming more of a reality than ever before for you?

We care for your safety and your life, grenouille19. I know this is a desperate time for you. We’re beside you as you fight through the pain.

The Support Team

Hi grenouille19, Please don’t apologize for expressing your inner thoughts… getting it out can help and we’re glad you found a safe place to talk about it here We don’t think youre babbling or rambling, and youre certainly not a burden to us

I can hear how nervous you were about seeing the psychiatrist, and now I imagine youre feeling some relief that you didnt have to meet with him, but also some disappointment that you didnt even get a chance to get help. You said the psychiatrist wouldnt see you with anyone else and Im wondering who you wanted to go with you? It sounds like youd feel too vulnerable on your own – Im sorry he didnt understand and support you the way you needed to be supported.

If that option doesnt seem like its gonna happen, have you thought of what you want to do next? What have you been thinking about since learning you couldnt see the psychiatrist today?

Stay strong… we’re rooting for you! the Support Team

Hey grenouille19,

Thanks for letting us know you might be out of touch for a while. I would guess you’re feeling completely rattled, wondering whether you will be sent to a mental health institution and having to stay in hospital in the meantime. I get a sense neither of those ideas are AT ALL comfortable to you, but I can also hear you acknowledge that something does need to change in your life for you to get the help you need. I know that being sent to the hospital was one of your greatest fears, I’m wondering how you are feeling about it now that it’s actually happened (or still happening) to you?

I hear you saying you went really deep yesterday, do you mean deep into hearing voices and feeling like folks are getting into your head? Or are you referring to going too far with self harming? I would guess that you are feeling you are sinking deeper and deeper into chaos, both with all the changes that are happening around you AND all the scary things happening in your own head. I get a sense you are searching desperately to find some kind of calm or sense of normalcy. I am so, so worried about you right now, grenouille19, and it sounds like YOU are worried about you too

Keep us updated on what’s going on with when you can, you will be in our thoughts grenouille19 and we’ll be sending hope and strength your way.

the Support Team

You seem to be suffering from some pettry severe depression. I’m guessing by the parent comment that you are under 18? It really is important that you talk to someone about this, especially if you’re resorting to physically harming yourself. I really suggest sitting down and telling all of this to your parents, and if they aren’t supportive and willing to help you seek medical help, then see if there are any clinics in your area that charge based on income. In most fairly well populated areas, the help is out there, you just have to be willing to look for it. Even your school counselor could help.And while it may be difficult talking to someone about all this, especially a stranger, realize that there is a reason these people have the jobs they do, because they want to help people and they have heard it all before.You’ve taken a good first step by asking for help on here, now you’ve just got to seek it out.

I know the pain of living has become unbearable for you… so much so that suicide seems to be one of very few options. I cant imagine how hopeless everything feels :'( Even though youre wishing everything away, I still hear you fighting for your life… there’s something powerful in you that won’t quit yet… stay strong grenouille

Im soooo sorry your recent hospital stay was so horrible – when you reach out for support, you should receive help… you shouldnt be made to feel like you don’t matter. You DO matter! Oh grenouille, waiting for treatment must be exhausting… and waiting for change must feel endless. You recognize that you need help, but trying to get that help seems impossible. I imagine every time you reach out and have a disastrous experience, it becomes harder and harder to reach out again… I hope you don’t give up.

We’re here for you grenouille… we’re keeping you in our thoughts… stay connected

the Support Team

Oh grenouille, I can hear how fragile that thread is that is holding you…it sounds like the place in your heart that might have once held hope is tragically empty, and that you can’t imagine how life could possibly move forward from the loss that you feel right now. I get the sense that you feel fragmented and ghostly as you move through life, with people around you who either don’t notice your agony at all… or say horrible things about your chances. :'(

Reading your words, I get a sense of a boxing match…like you keep trying to get up, but every time, pain throws another punch straight at you and knocks you flat again. I can hear how close you are to just staying down and giving up…it scares me that you’re that close to the edge.

There’s so much going on in your head, grenouille. I imagine that it’s a battle in there, and that more often than not, the loudest voice is one shouting how awful and worthless and pathetic you are. I think that maybe there’s also a small voice that is timidly asking for a chance to stay alive, even if it’s a very small voice that keeps getting pounded smaller… Keep listening to THAT voice, grenouille. And keep connected. We will support you as much as we can in order to help you get through this. You ARE loved here, and we DO believe that you are a fighter.

Sending hope and strength to you. <3
the Support Team

Hey grenouille,
Thanks again for letting us know that you might not be writing for a bit. We really, REALLY have our fingers crossed for you! I hope that when we hear from you next you’re safe.

It sounds like so much of your remaining hope rests on this hospital visit. I get the impression that you’ve looked ahead, and seen that the future seems unlivable without some kind of help…to the point where you’ve decided not to let yourself inhabit that future. You’ve been fighting intensely to keep going for so long, grenouille; I can imagine how a change on the horizon might be an incredible relief. It scares me to think that your life is in the balance here, even though I can hear the feelings that have driven you to that emotional edge. :’(

We are rooting for you now more than ever, because we know how horrible things are feeling…how dark it looks right now. We are in your corner, grenouille. And we’re ready to listen whenever you might need us again. Keep fighting.

Thinking of you,
The Support Team

Hey grenouille19,
It’s good to hear from you again. We’ve definitely been thinking of you, and wondering how thing were playing out in the hospital. It sounds like you’re feeling very lost and overwhelmed, and perhaps frustrated that your stay there wasn’t more helpful?

I get the sense from your words that it’s like you’re trying to build up your strength and find a way to be okay, but that even the smallest things are really hard right now, and it’s difficult to find hope in the cracks between the heavy weights that are being laid down on you. It sounds like everything that you try to do, from leaving your apartment, to eating, to avoiding harming yourself is increasingly exhausting and hard to face, and you’re wondering how bad it can get before it all has to end? Suicide sounds like a very real (and terrifying) option in your mind right now, and I wonder what you mean when you say that it “does not matter”? Is it the fear that does not matter, or the reality of suicide?

It sounds like you’re also increasingly angry with yourself, and I would imagine that the angrier you are at YOU, the harder it is to fight against that urge to kill yourself. :’(

I’m glad to hear that the demons have quieted down some. It sounds like getting the medications both provided some relief and caused a new kind of pain….I get the sense that it was extremely hard to have people at the hospital tell you that parts of your everyday experience are not “real”.

Stay connected grenouille; we are here to support you, and to listen, even when everything seems to be going downhill.

*hugs*
-The Support Team

Hey…
I get the sense that the hospital stay was a fairly positive experience, but since then things have spiraled out of control and you are just barely holding on right now. I imagine you lost in a sand storm…unsure which way to turn, being beaten down by wind and sand from every direction.

I hear you getting really down on yourself for the self-injurious behaviours that you have fallen back on since your hospital stay…I’m wondering what it is you feel you should have gotten out of your stay?

Suicide is occurring to you as a way out of this pain…have you planned your death? We are here for you if you want to talk about these thoughts.

Stay safe grenouille19, we’re on your side.
the Support Team

You are not worthless or hopeless or any of the other “less” things you mentioned. You sound very intelligent and sensitive actually. It seems to me that you keep trying to get help and you haven’t found what you need yet. You may not even know what you need other than for the anguish to stop. I’m so proud of you for finding that inner strength to hang on. Your story sounds familiar to me as I struggled with depression, self-harm and an eating disorder. I know how lonely and desperate it can feel. I want to invite you to a live chat that happens Sundays through Thursdays 7:30 – 9pm Pacific coast time. For me, waiting for a response on a message board was very painful and I felt even more lonely if I didn’t get a response. Hopefully the administrators won’t mind me passing this on. Hope to see you there sometime. My screen name there is HJM. Hugs to you!
http://lookingglass.umeetsupport.com/register/

Grenouille19,

Don’t worry about apologizing for not posting; we’re definitely glad to hear from you again though.
From your words, it’s like you’re disgusted with yourself for the feelings you’ve been having. You’d like nothing more than to be able to take control of your own emotions and troubles. It scares me to hear how hard it is even to get to the computer (and I imagine to post on the forum). Are you feeling like you’re too worthless to even deserve help?

Grenouille19, it sounds like you’re being tossed around by a storm in your own mind, like you’ve got no control, and are forced just to watch as things crumble inside and out. I can only imagine how completely distressing and miserable that must be, and I can hear how hopeless it is making you feel. The darkness probably seems utterly black right now. What has been keeping you from acting on your thoughts of suicide?

It sounds like a horrible, horrible place to be in right now, like the world is falling apart. Kitzlkraver is right that it’s incredible that you’ve been able to find the strength to hang on, even when it’s utterly draining and feels pointless. Keep fighting, grenouille. We’re here beside you.

The Support Team

Hey grenouille19,

Please stay with us, grenouille19…. It seems like everything is falling apart and losing meaning for you, and I can how much you want to let go of that string…

Each word is like a tear — and your soul is crying with pain at still being here. I can hear how all-encompassing and utterly debilitating the loneliness and feelings of worthlessness are for you. :'( It sounds like the hardest thing in the world is just to keep going when everything is empty, and it feels like it will never change.

Your words scare me so much, grenouille19, because I can hear so much resignation in them, like the pain has finally drawn you to a place from which you feel there is no escape, and that even your usual methods of coping are falling short. I’m guessing that suicide is looming large in your mind.

I believe that you are a fighter, and that you have strength inside of you, but I can hear that it feels like things are past your control already…. I’m wondering if you can think of any way to keep yourself safe when it feels like you just want to let go?

We care deeply for you, and we’re here for you.

-The Support Team

Welcome back grenouille19,

Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us here – you’re certainly not a bother and we very much appreciate you taking the time to write to us.

I can hear how mixed your feelings are about your time in the hospital — on one hand you’ve learned some new ways of coping with things in your life but on the other hand it seems that they over medicate you which doesn’t feel much like a solution.

I can hear that your dogs play a significant role in your life and I’m guessing it was difficult to be away from them when you were in the hospital. I’d imagine you feel a sense of unconditional love with them.

I hope you’ll keep posting here to tell us about your journey grenouille19. We are here to support you.

The Support Team

You have my support too!

Hey grenouille,

I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling so down. It sounds as though things have been disappointing for you lately and not going the way you hoped. From what you mentioned in your previous post, it seemed like you’d acquired some new coping skills and I get the sense that with some things going wrong now, you’re feeling shaken and are worrying that you’re might not be able to manage.

I can hear how sad and alone you’re feeling, grenouille and want you to know we’re always here for you.

The Support Team

grenouille

Please know that you are not at all a burden! I can hear how alone and isolated you feel right now and I’m really glad you keep connecting with us. We want to support you in this challenging time.

Seems like nothing is going your way right now. I get the sense that you feel unprepared to deal with the voices in your head and the hallucinations that overcome you. Does anyone else know how bad things are for you?

It hurts to think of how hopeless you feel grenouille. Thank you for continuing to show strength in your struggle, whats keeping you going right now?

We care about you.
The Support Team

grenouille19, you’re not at all a bother to us…we absolutely want to hear from you, especially as it sounds like you’ve got so little support elsewhere right now. Know that when you’re feeling alone with everything you can turn to us to talk about it.

I would guess it’s incredibly stressful to go through your days seeing spiders all over everything, and being told what to do by voices in your head. I imagine these things are incredibly distracting and disorienting when they happen, and are taking over your ability to concentrate on important things like exams or driving. I remember that you were getting support in a hospital for a while, do you have any supports or resources outside of the hospital that can help you cope with hallucinations?

I get the sense you’re feeling really fed up with life right now and how much of a fight each day has begun to feel. I’m wondering if you have been thinking about ending your life?

Thank you for staying connected when things are difficult,
the Support Team

grenouille19,

It sounds like a truly scary world sometimes, and I can really understand why it feels so lonely for you – especially since you are hearing things and seeing things that other people don’t experience. I’m guessing that trying to deal with those voices and visions, and still get by in a world where nobody else sees/hears them is totally exhausting — and painfully distracting. It seems like you get so tired coping with the voices, etc that you have nothing left to try and face the emotions that you’re also facing. I can imagine how hard it is for you to think of making it another 12 days until the appointment with the psychiatrist. How do you think you might be able to help yourself get through those days?

I can hear how the psychiatrist is both a vision of help and hope and a fearful idea for you. One the one hand, he might be able to help you, especially in figuring out what to do about the voices…but on the other hand, you wonder if he might send you to the hospital. It sounds like going to the hospital would be largely unpleasant and unhelpful for you. It sucks that you’re stuck on so many waitlists while you’re in so much pain, grenouille19. And I can imagine that after waiting so long, this appointment is really important to you. That’s a lot of pressure to be feeling.

You’re in so much pain right now, and so confused and nervous about how things might go. We’re definitely here if you need us. Stay strong, grenouille19.

The Support Team