Forum Replies Created
-
Hey Dan,
I’m intrigued by the way that you talk about the pills you’re taking. It sounds like they are working fairly well at keeping your mood up, but that sometimes it feels like a “false” happiness, when you know that the pain is still lurking around the corner… I can hear that it feels like running away from yourself, and I can hear how trapped you’re feeling, like you want to be able to fight the emotions, but can’t do it without the help of the medication. That must be frustrating and I wonder if it leaves you feeling really powerless?
I know that sometimes the “care” systems that we have look awfully dysfunctional. :’( I so wish it wasn’t that way, and that it didn’t leave you feeling so emotionally unsupported. I can only imagine how distanced you must feel from people when even the care workers don’t seem to REALLY see you or care what’s going on in your mind.
Haha… I don’t think that’s quite what we meant when we said “more human” (I think it was more referring to a feeling of “wholeness”). But I didn’t know that you find solace in church; it sounds like it’s a good support for you Dan.
It sounds like a time of ups and downs, with some really lonely feelings. Keep connected.
The Support Team
Hello TheHoplessHopeful,
Welcome to our forum; your voice is a very unique one.
It’s interesting what you say about your habit of sucking your thumb. It’s obviously a lot more to you than just a habit – like over time it has been a part of the changes in your life, as well as a source of solace when times got confusing and stressful. I’m sorry to hear that you were picked on in school; it sounds like it changed you, and I can imagine it became harder to trust people. You mention having a lot of anger hostility towards people when you were younger. It sounds like that was an awful time.
It’s confusing to you that you’re unable to quit, when it seems like there’s no reason to be addicted. I know that we can sometimes be addicted to things because they help us feel better, help us cope with difficult emotions. I’m wondering if you feel like you still turn to thumb-sucking for comfort?
Here for you,
-The Support Team
Hello to you, TheHoplessHopeful,
Your screenname, to me, reflects a lot of what you seem to be feeling right now about your family…like you’re losing hope that things can ever really feel whole, but that there’s a small part of you that is still trying really hard to work it out and pull everyone together.
Your writing is great, and really does paint a picture for me of how things have been disintegrating in your family for a while now… I get the sense that you’re feeling the burden of trying to change when it seems like nobody else is working for it. It must frustrate you to feel misunderstood by your mother and (on top of that) to feel like your brother is just not willing or able to help out.
You’re pretty self aware; from the sounds of it, you know the parts of yourself that you want to work on, and you try very hard to be more like the person you want to be…but maybe you’re feeling like that effort is invisible to the rest of your family? I can hear how alone you feel; it must feel like just too much to deal with so much family stuff and have anxiety and depression as well. I’d guess that it’s hard to keep going sometimes. When you say “or end it all”, are you talking about ending your life?
It’s like the walls are crumbling down around you, and you’re running around desperately, trying to hold everything up, but it’s starting to be too much, and you’re wondering if a point will come when it all falls down. Stay connected, we’re here to listen.
The Support Team
Hello J.H.
Welcome to our forum; thanks for sharing your story with us. I can imagine that it might be hard to reach out when you feel like you’re supposed to be perfect.
It sounds like the effort of living up to your ex’s expectations is crushing everything else in your life to the sidelines. He’s still very important to you, to the point where I get the impression it’s difficult live without him around… And I’m hearing how incredibly hard you’re trying to fit into exactly whatever mold it is that he holds up in order to have him back in your life again. It must be SO tiring to be working this hard, but not know if you are living up to what he wants. Kind of like you’re running a race, with no idea how far away the finish line might be. I can understand how that leaves you feeling utterly hopeless and discouraged.
It’s like you’re walking on eggshells, trying not to piss him off. I can hear how one part of you loves him deeply and wants to show him how devoted you are, how much work you are doing, while another part is getting exhausted waiting for him to show that it matters. It sounds like things were really dark there for a while after you broke up, and that you tried to end your life? How are you doing now, J.H.? How are you coping with the pain and confusion? I get the impression that you’re feeling like you’re running right out of strength to keep going when it feels like nothing is ever good enough…
The hurt you’re feeling sounds overwhelming, J.H. We’re here for you in those times when your mind won’t stop racing and it feels like too much. You can also chat in any night (between 6 and 11pm PST) to talk.
The Support Team
Hi Dan,
I can really hear how desperate you are to have the pain go away.Yearning for the relationships that seem so inaccessible to you, that everyone around you appears to have…being haunted by your past and feeling like an outcast from everybody else.
Seems that believing that people don’t care about you makes it soooo much harder to express yourself. I hope in those times you remember that we really do care about you. I can imagine you are feeling very hopeless and inconsolable, seeing all those happy people in their relationships, merely expressing yourself just doesn’t feel like enough
I am wondering if there is anything out there that does help you feel more human in times where talking gets you nowhere? It sounds like you have felt this way before and got through it. Thank you for continuing to inspire us with your determination Dan…You have been so strong Dan to survive this roller coaster ride.
We are with you no matter what…
The Support Team
Oh DashingDaisy, I imagine it is so unbelievably hurtful that your coworkers both assumed you were pregnant and mocked you when you were feeling ill and vulnerable. Am I right in hearing that their jeers planted a little seed of worry that you might be pregnant, even if you are pretty sure you’re not? I get a sense you are outraged they seemed to think it was acceptable to talk to you about such personal things in such a flippant way.
I can hear from your previous posts how alone you are feeling. It sounds as though you are truly grieving the loss of both your friend and your family member who were at one time your supports in this new place. Is there anyone in your life now who you can to go when you’re feeling down? How have your therapist appointments been going lately? I would guess it’s particularly excruciating to have your co-workers bully you when you’re feeling like there’s no one left on your side
Keep connecting in this difficult time, DashingDaisy. Our thoughts are with you.
the Support Team
DashingDaisy,
It sounds like you are being overrun by emptiness. Like you came with a fire in your heart, and the suffering and frustration of being rejected again and again have slowly snuffed out the flame, leaving only questions and nothingness. I get the sense that you’re left wondering whether there was even a point to moving so far and trying to make a change.
It’s like you’re in the middle of a storm of loneliness, and it seems like no matter which way you look, people have drifted farther away… On top of the feelings of isolation, I can hear so much sorrow around having lost your friend, someone who you feel such a deep connection with. There’s a bittersweet quality to your words…am I correct in hearing that you’re grieving the loss of their presence in your life, but that you’re strengthened by the connection that you know was there, even if it was interrupted by struggles?
In some ways, you sound resigned to having people turn their backs on you, and it almost sounds like you expect the loneliness that you’re feeling. I’m wondering how you’re coping with the feelings of isolation and nothingness? I can only imagine how weary you must feel if this is a place you’ve been before, and are feeling like you can’t escape from the defeat and feeling of being left alone again…
Stay connected, Dashingdaisy. We’re here to listen to the pain.
The Support Team
Green Lizard,
We’re glad to hear from you again, and we’re honoured that you’re sharing your story with us.
It sounds like you’re exhausted and fed up with being treated with so little respect — to the point where ANY escape from constantly being misunderstood seems like it would bring relief. The comments that your family makes sound like they leave you feeling demeaned and worthless, and that your mind is drawn towards death or running away as possible ways out of the pain…. Thank you for the update (and your honesty) about your suicidal thoughts, Green Lizard. I can only imagine how much emotional weight you were feeling when you wrote the message. I’m glad that you had a friend to help you get through that dark place. Obviously the pain is very real for you; how are you feeling now? How tempting do those thoughts seem?
I can honestly hear SO much of your unique strength and will to live in your words, and I can only imagine how frustrated you must feel to be driven to such emotional pain by the words of other people around you. Words really can harm, as can actions. It must be incredibly hard to face some people when you know that they might treat you like you’re invisible, like you don’t matter…
You’ve mentioned that you don’t want to get support from anyone IRL; if you ever want another place to work through the feelings, there is also email counseling available on our website as well. I get the sense that your emotions are a tangled web as you struggle to find ways to keep going.
I think it is beautiful that you gather strength from thinking about the people that you could help…and I’ve noticed that you’ve already given really heartfelt support to some of our other users. Thank you for being there and sharing your heart.We have never met, but you are not invisible here. We can hear your pain.
Stay connected,
The Support TeamDan,
My heart goes out to you, being surrounded by people who are supposed to care for you, but feeling like they only just want you to be happy so their job is done. I can hear your frustration, anger even, at the expectations people have of you – like you’re supposed to be happy just because they are there, when really it’s so much more complicated than that, and the disconnect you feel from other people deepens because they don’t understand… It sounds like you let very little of your real feelings slip out to the care workers because of the experiences you’ve had in the past.
If I’m understanding correctly, you sent the last part of the message you posted here to the new person that you were talking with? How did it feel to share your exhaustion and hopelessness with someone?
You’ve mentioned a couple of times that you might be interested in getting some kind of help…what do you think that would look like for you, Dan?
We’re here for you in these down days, Dan. Stay strong.
The Support Team
Martin,
The mood swings sound really disorienting — to be one moment in a feeling of sadness and pain and then be whipped around to the other end and feel cheer and hope. It must just leave your mind reeling. And the unpredictability itself might be frightening; I can imagine it’s difficult to go through the days feeling like you can’t even trust your mind to stay on one emotional track. :S I can hear how grateful you are to have things, like the TV program and ball hockey, that help to balance out the heavier thoughts and the dread of grad.
It’s scary what you’ve got to say about the party that you reported. It sounds like it could have been a very risky place for your ex to be, and that you were super concerned for her.
I’m hearing how ugly it felt to report, knowing that it would make life awful if people at school knew it was you…. Are you worried because of what your ex might say if she found out? I get the sense that you hold back sometimes when you’re talking to her because you’re scared of what might happen if you told everything…Lots of ups and downs indeed, Martin; I can hear how tumultuous life feels. Stay connected; we’re here to listen as you navigate the bumpy road.
The Support Team
Hi ZECA,
My sense is that life seems so exhausting for you right now… that working up the effort to stay strong and maintain hope for the future seems like a never-ending battle. I can appreciate that having fought so hard for so long, it is now a challenge to imagine a light at the end of the tunnel. I can hear that your fears about the future, your music career are weighing really heavily in your heart right now. I’m getting the feeling that being able to fantasize about having someone save you from a suicide attempt offers an escape from the pain and fear of what is to come…?
The way you spoke of suicide as self-harm is really powerful….like thinking of suicide can be a way to punish yourself at times.
It sounds to me like suicide seems like a way to escape it all — that it’s not necessarily death that you want, but rather a relief from all the stress and pain that you have to deal with daily…? I imagine that the thoughts of suicide can still get really loud though, and death might seem to take over your entire brain at times.
Thank you for reaching out to us, and I’m so glad you’re talking with your counselor and girlfriend. I can hear how scary it can be to seek support. I’m inspired by your determination to be yourself and keep going, especially when things seem so bleak.
Stay connected,
The Support Team.
