Martin,
There’s a sense in your words of profound exhaustion, like you’re getting fed up with putting energy into keeping your head above the water. It must have dug a deep hole in your trust to find out that your ex was lying to you about something that is as important as her friends who were helping you cope. I can hear your agony at seeing so many of your supports crumble when you need them still…. It sounds, too, like it’s hard to want to share your pain with the one friend because so much seems to be good in her life, and it hurts to think that you might be a burden by sharing your feelings.

The interactions you have with your ex sound bittersweet…like on the one hand it’s somewhat reassuring to know that she cares enough to talk to you about the suicidal thoughts, but on the other side you’re left hanging when you try to connect with her about anything else. I can imagine how hollow it make the moments with her seem, and I’m wondering if that just adds to the pain that you were already feeling?

The weight you’re carrying is heavy indeed, Martin. I can see how crushingly exhausting it is to keep it up everyday, like Atlas carrying the Earth. Stay strong.

The Support Team

Hey Zeca,

I’m happy you found us to unload some of your thoughts and feelings, and hope that it brought at least an infinitesimal amount of relief to the pain you’re feeling before you went to sleep.

Sounds like you’re really struggling between your wrenching inner world, where all you feel is this pain and this desire to hurt yourself or die, and the smothering outer world that wants so much to help. I get the sense that you understand their desire to help, and wish that you wanted their help.. but at the very core of it all you want is to be free to feel this pain and be left alone.
I can really feel the guilt your experiencing.. that you want to keep the promise to your mother that you meant in that moment, but that right now it feels impossible. You said you were scared.. I was wondering, do you mean you’re scared of what will happen if you reach out and are honest about your thoughts of suicide? Or scared about what might happen if you don’t?

I can hear that you’re really feeling ambivalent towards life right now.. and I imagine the worry of what’ll happen when you return to school is making the future seem even more frightening. You’ve said you want to kill yourself, and I’m really worried about you.. I’m wondering if you have a plan for how you’d take your life? I’m also curious what’s been helping you hold onto life?

Thank you for connecting.. and if you want you can always connect with our live chat to get in the moment support. It’s open 6-11 PM every night.

The Support Team

Thanks so much! We sure do…you can find us at https://www.facebook.com/Youthspace.ca

Hey Martin,

I can really hear how your feelings of isolation get intensified when you think that you should be happy about grad. It must be really tough to see others so excited about grad when you are feeling so left out by different aspects of this event, like who will you go with, how will you get there…I’m thinking that hearing about other peoples’ plans makes you feel excluded. Seems like all these unknowns are overwhelming you, to the point where life and grad just seem totally disparaging…to the point that death looks like a viable way to avoid the potential pain caused by continuing to live…it scares me to think that you might not be around until grad Martin.

While you say you aren’t making any specific plans about ending your life, the thought is constantly on your mind. Are there times that these urges to end your life are lessened?

I get the sense that you are confused about your friends too, and unsure where to turn for support now that these 2 girls might not want to hear what you are thinking. I want to thank you for your courage in continuing to talk about your thoughts of suicide and all the challenges that life is throwing at you Martin. I do worry about you and hope that if your thoughts of suicide become overwhelming, you will reach out and find more support. Have you considered who you would contact if the thoughts become unbearable?

We are always here for you, in forum or in chat.

The Youthspace Team

Hi DashingDaisy,

I appreciate your bravery in sharing more about how being “locked up” is still affecting you. Sounds like you are continuing to struggle with expressing yourself

It must be really hard living like a shaken can of pop with so much inside but no sign of an opening and space to release this tension anywhere. I sense that you really want to address the roots of this internal pain, but the idea of doing so is just too terrifying right now. I can imagine that you are anxious for the fizz to settle in order to get “something” out. Thinking….will this pass on it’s own, or do you have to take action to release all that you are holding inside? I get that you don’t feel comfortable doing what your therapist suggested…yet I’m also hearing that you feel the need to do something because you are aware that you can’t hide this anymore.

I can hear how ashamed you are for having that ‘out of control’ feeling even though it is out of your control. It’s like if someone finds out, they might see you differently because of it.

I’m wondering if this “something” is causing your feeling of ‘out of control’ or if it is the pressure of being “locked up”? Also curious if you ever had that feeling before and how you were able to regain back your control?

Thanks for your openness, even if it feels “locked up”.

the Support Team

Oh Dan,

I wish there was something I could say that would pause time and interrupt these feelings and give you the break that you feel you need so badly. Because the depth of the loneliness seems unending, and the thoughts of suicide are so pervasive for you…

From what you’ve said, it sounds like it’s hard to even care about anything that happens anymore; painful memories haunt you, making you feel like every time that you trust in someone they disappear from your life. And even when you think about getting help for the suicidal feelings, it’s hard to imagine that anyone might REALLY care. It sounds like you know exactly how that situation with the hospital and EMHS would go, and you already know how numbing it would be. :’( It must feel like hope is a million miles away. You say you don’t want to go through that experience, but that it’s also really sad out here…if you get to the point where you are going to end your life, do you think you’ll be able to reach out for help, knowing how it might play out?

It must feel like you’re locked out of the world around you when you see other people happy in relationships and feel like you can’t have that experience in the same way. I can hear how incredibly draining it is to watch friends get married and feel perpetually reminded of your own pain and solitude.

We’re all thinking of you, Dan. Stay in touch.
-The Support Team

Hullabaloo22,

It’s cool to hear that you’re liking this as a place to talk; that’s what we’re here for!

I can hear just how different you feel from all the people around you, like you’re speaking a different language altogether. There’s a sense in your words of deep frustration that everyone else seems to value a very opposite set of things from those which you consider important… You mention trying to be happy alone, and it gives me an idea of the conflict within you where you want to connect with people who you see everyday, but you don’t want to adopt the habits that seem to be a necessary part of that connection.

I am glad to hear that you’re looking after yourself so gently and finding ways to cope, such as journaling. I can imagine that writing is really cathartic for you…. A way to let off some of the steam, perhaps?

Stay strong Hullaballoo22. We’re here if you want to keep venting.

The Support Team