February 12, 2018 at 9:43 pm #23138
Hi, I’m so glad to have found this site, it’s such a relief that there is a place where I can share about how hard things are for me.
I’m in my middle 20s and life has been so hard, I struggle with making friends and feel so misunderstood by my parents, that they don’t get me at all. They think I’m normal, but I’m not, I’m intense, highly sensitive and probably gifted(intellectually) and that feels weird because I feel so stupid. I had to move back home and it’s been so overwhelming, because there is this subtle pressure to be happy and act like I’m totally fine. I struggle with anxiety everyday and it’s worse because I lost my best friend(stuff was happening in her life and it no longer worked to keep in touch). It hurt so much, she was my lifeline, the person I could talk to and be honest about how I’m feeling, that when she asked, “How are you doing?” I could actually answer honestly, because I knew she really wanted to know. I miss laughing, crying and raging with her, how I had all that space to express myself and now that is gone.
I have three brothers, one older and two younger, I worry about them a lot, I can see them struggle and I feel so helpless and it sucks so much not being able to really open up to my older brother(just under a 1 1/2 years apart in age), I know he cares, but I don’t feel supported when I share stuff with him, I can feel his uncertainty, he doesn’t know what to do with me, and that feels awful. I feel like such a freak, because of my sensitivity, my intensity, my giftedness. I see things and understand things that others don’t, things bother me so much, it hurts so much to see a world so broken and so many people suffering alone, I feel so helpless. I know that there is good and that there is people who are helping and do really care, it’s just so overwhelming seeing so many people in pain and alone with that pain. The pain isn’t the problem, it’s that we are suffering alone that makes it ten times worse.
There is this hopelessness that tries to drown me, this feeling that I’ll always be alone, that I’ll never have any friends, never get married someday and never have kids. It feels like I’m cursed to be alone and to wander forever, to have no home for my heart. I feel like an outsider all the time, that everyone has their people and their group and I don’t belong anywhere or to anyone. And that people don’t want to be around me, that people find my energy to be repulsive and they ignore and avoid me. It hurts feeling invisible and that I don’t have a voice. It’s so super frustrating trying so hard to make the words work, to be clear and precise and have people reply to my profile on friendship sites, and I can tell that they really don’t see me, they don’t hear me. They think they do, but they don’t. And I just want to curl up into a ball and hide away from the world. There is so many things I want to do with my life, I want to be able to support people and be there for them, but I feel like I’m drowning.
Thank you for listening. Here is a favorite quote:
It is a joy to be hidden and a disaster not to be found – D. W. Winnicott
February 14, 2018 at 4:50 pm #23144
We’re so glad you found this site too, since it sounds like it’s hitting a sweet spot for you right now. <3 And it can be super meaningful to find a place where you feel like your story can land....especially since you mention how you've lost your friend as a piece of solid ground and perhaps that means your soul has been circling, looking for a place to set down and rest. It's tiring to continuously be searching for that space.
Thank you for sharing so openly with us and others. Our forum doesn't get as much use as it used to, but people still do read it, and it's entirely possible that someone out there is feeling so much of what you're feeling and might get a sense of relief from knowing that they're not the only one. The same goes for your "stories within stories, nightmares within nightmares" post, which was powerful and evocative. From both posts, I can really get a sense of how deep and complex your emotions run. You mention being highly sensitive and gifted, and it seems like those things are reflected in the raw and detailed nature of what you've written. From what you've put here, I get the impression that you pick up on nuances (like the subtle pressure to be happy, or your brother's possible uncertainty) and that you find yourself swamped by the resulting emotions...and maybe anxieties. I can hear how that same sensitivity can leave you feeling huge things when you think about the pain (or, specifically the *isolation* with pain) that people feel everyday on a bigger - societal - level. Am I correct in getting that you feel that your incredible capacity for sensitivity seems to also leave you open to waves of empathy and concern that threaten to drown you?
Alongside the general overwhelming sense of powerful emotions, it sounds like there are also some specific dreads that are haunting you...the almost tangible sense of hopelessness that you mention and the worries that you won't find people who love you for YOU or even find a sense of belonging. You mentioned feeling a deep sadness for the fact that so many of us are struggling alone, and I can hear how much that's a part of your pain too - that you're really struggling with that isolation and fear that people don't want to be around you.
It seems like you're exhausted, and yet also striving to comprehend and to find a way forward. You yearn to be able to do more and help others - maybe even to heal some of the loneliness and pain that others feel - but don't currently feel strong enough with your feet under you. I might be wrong, but it seems like maybe it's agonizing for you to feel hampered and drowning when you also feel that you have the potential to do more?
We think that you've got some powerful words to share. Your own words here, and the quote you shared show that. You've made us think!
-The Youthspace Team
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