Thanks for taking a chance and sharing your story here.
You write very powerfully about your struggle with the demon that’s haunting you. I can hear how tight its grip on your life is, and how desperately alone you’re feeling now. It must wear on you SO badly to feel hope and cheer in the daytime, then enter the night…only to find that nothing has changed from the night before. I can imagine that it eats away at the hope that you do have remaining in your life.
Alcohol takes you to a very dark place, doesn’t it? I can hear how disgusted you are with the way that you behave when you’re drinking. I’m guessing that it is an immeasurably hopeless and frustrating feeling for you to have. And it sounds like the place that it takes you is very black indeed. I can imagine how frightening and painful it must be to read your stories about destroying your enemies the next day…and to realize the depths of hate that you reach when you’re intoxicated. Just to check-in, have you ever felt the urge to carry those stories out? I get the sense that they are fantasies borne of intoxication, and quite removed from your daytime feelings. Is that right?
From your words, I’m hearing that although you manage to keep a cheery face on for most people, the monster still makes itself very known to you in the daytime (counting down the minutes, blurry vision, etc.). You say that alcohol is taking your life from you, and I can hear how scared you are at its invasion into your day life and your relationships. Your heart must be positively breaking as one part of you holds tight to that deep need for the bottle, while another part cries with the agony of lying to the people who are close to you.
There is a heavy shame that I hear in your words when you describe drinking without the knowledge of your parents and girlfriend. And it sounds like in the deep, ugly place that you end up in at the end of a night, that shame turns to a bitter hate and you wonder how you can ever escape the horrible person that you see in yourself. I can hear how angry and hopeless you are feeling, Nova233. How have you been dealing with those emotions? You mentioned having a councilor…is there anyone else that you’ve been able to share some of your story with?
Thanks for reaching out here. I get the sense that you’re clinging to any hope that might exist right now. We’re here to support you on the forum, and on the chat service if you like. You could also try the email counseling that is available on our website.
Stay strong, Nova233. Keep fighting the demon.
The Support Team