Welcome to our forum; thanks for sharing your story with us. I can imagine that it might be hard to reach out when you feel like you’re supposed to be perfect.
It sounds like the effort of living up to your ex’s expectations is crushing everything else in your life to the sidelines. He’s still very important to you, to the point where I get the impression it’s difficult live without him around… And I’m hearing how incredibly hard you’re trying to fit into exactly whatever mold it is that he holds up in order to have him back in your life again. It must be SO tiring to be working this hard, but not know if you are living up to what he wants. Kind of like you’re running a race, with no idea how far away the finish line might be. I can understand how that leaves you feeling utterly hopeless and discouraged.
It’s like you’re walking on eggshells, trying not to piss him off. I can hear how one part of you loves him deeply and wants to show him how devoted you are, how much work you are doing, while another part is getting exhausted waiting for him to show that it matters. It sounds like things were really dark there for a while after you broke up, and that you tried to end your life? How are you doing now, J.H.? How are you coping with the pain and confusion? I get the impression that you’re feeling like you’re running right out of strength to keep going when it feels like nothing is ever good enough…
The hurt you’re feeling sounds overwhelming, J.H. We’re here for you in those times when your mind won’t stop racing and it feels like too much. You can also chat in any night (between 6 and 11pm PST) to talk.
The Support Team