I can hear how desperately you wish to have your questions answered and how confused you’re feeling about these memories and dreams. It sounds as though your friendship ended abruptly as a child and it’s left you with a feeling that there must be an explanation behind what happened. I’d imagine that the story your mom told you about your friend’s uncle only adds to the uncertainty from the past.
I get the sense that your feelings about having sex with your boyfriend are really upsetting to you — especially since you can’t understand why you’re reacting the way that you are. It sounds as though your relationship with your boyfriend offers no explanation for your feelings so you sense there must be something deeper going on to prompt such a strong reaction. I wonder if your boyfriend is someone what can be a support for you during this uncertain time?
At youthspace we can’t give advice but are here to support you Isabel0595. It’s very brave of you to share so openly here and I certainly appreciate you taking this risk to reach out. I hope you’ll continue to share how you’re doing with us as you process your thoughts and feelings.
The Support Team