Thanks for sharing your story here. There’s so much agony in your words. I can hear how helpless you’ve been feeling in the face of your (really powerful) feelings for this man. He is obviously a huge part of both your life and your emotional self, and it sounds like losing him is throwing your whole world into a storm of confusion and pain. I’m sorry to hear that you are hurting so badly right now. :'(
It seems like a large part of your pain comes from the resilience that your relationship had in the past – like part of why this hurts so badly is because you HAVE experienced things before that seemed to be insurmountable, and made it through. It must be hard to make yourself believe that it might actually be over – especially when he is still present in your life as the parent of your child. Like he is half there, and half not.
I’m glad to hear that you are willing to reach out and try to find ways to help yourself through the sadness. It sounds though, like the talking and therapy seem barely able to address the storm of emotions. I’m wondering if you have found anything else that helps you cope when you’re feeling really hopeless and distressed?
I wish I had the answer for you. I really do. I can hear that you are trying to deal with the feelings with everything that you’ve got, and really want a way to get through them. We’re here if you want to talk more about it. You can also access a counsellor over email on this site, and use our chat service.
-The Support Team