Hey charmaine6669, welcome to the forum. I’m glad you found the courage to come here and tell your story, and to ask for help. I’m sorry to hear that all this happened in the days leading up to your birthday :'( I get the sense you were already carrying a huge burden of emotional pain before any of this happened, and now you are completely collapsing into the grief of alienating some of the most important people in your life. I imagine you feel very alone right now, and I want you to know that you have us to rely on when others have turned their backs. We’re here for you.
It sounds like you feel tremendously guilty for the way things played out, and have been completely taken aback by the way actions and choices you barely had time to comprehend have resulted in a cascade of falling dominoes. It seems as though you’ve been abandoned, sitting in the middle of all these toppled dominoes with no one to help you clean them up or understand how it all happened so quickly.
I imagine you are mourning the loss of your relationship with your ex, that although you can see there were fault lines in your relationship you weren’t quite ready to let him go, and especially not in the way that it happened. It seems to me that still living with him would make every day a painful reminder of what you’ve lost; do you have anywhere else you can stay? I would guess you also grieve for your best friend and the pain he is going through right now, and can see his pain mirrored in your own. On top of all that, your mom’s reaction must have cut you to the core and felt like the ultimate betrayal, hitting you when you were already down.
I’m scared for you, to hear how alone you are with your pain and how pressing the thoughts of suicide have become in your mind. It sounds like before your friend attempted to end his life, you felt driven towards seeking help for your own thoughts…but now that drive seems to have left you. Is there anything that’s helped distract you from the thoughts of suicide that you can draw on now to help keep you strong?
I hope that you will continue to lean on us for support in this difficult time, both here and in the live chat (6pm-11pm PST most days, 6pm-midnight on Fridays and Saturdays). You’ll be in our thoughts.
The Support Team