My Grandfather’s wife died tonight and I am really sad because I am thinking suicidal and nobody but you guys know how deep I am you understanding when I said I got shot with pain the sad thing is I feel that I have to go through the days without the people that support me and need I only have memories and yes they are good memories but I really want those people back and even if I saw those people the persons I knew are died because there have moved on and can I no I can’t move on because the pain is to deep Yes I am a different person on the pills it is sad that I need the pills to keep going its hard to imagine that I have such a dark past that I can’t let go people keep saying that it will happen but what if I can’t let go I understand that it’s my choice but I feel that it is not it is bigger believe me I am trying my best my years are so stressful and that why I invented this dan day because the day the pain is never ending and I want it to end and that when I feel suicidal and lonely and I feel that I am going In cycles that never let me out yes I do want the hospital but the hospital doesn’t want me there because I don’t seem very bad because I am manageable on medicine but is that really me