Thank you for sharing your story on our Forum. I’m so sorry to learn about the abuse you endured in the past, you really don’t deserve that.
I can really hear how much you are hurting from the painful experiences in your past and how it’s affecting your relationships in the present. I’m also hearing how confusing it is to know where to go from here. It seems like it has been such a struggle to get here and now that you are here, and for a moment it seems to be good, it continues to be a struggle again . I can imagine that it is very frightening to be in a loving relationship when past relationships still haunt you.
Sounds like the pain that you endured was more than you can bear for a lifetime and you want to do what it takes to protect yourself from similar experiences to be safe from the hurt. Seems like you have come a long way but the pain is still there, and it’s still scary and still hurts. I can hear how sensitive you are to situations that resemble the way your parents treated you. I imagine that all you want is to protect yourself from that, and even in this loving relationship, you feel very alone with the pain. I can hear how much you want the person you love to understand your pain without taking it personally.
I’m really worried about you when you say that you “want to give up on everything in [your] life” and I’m wondering if you are considering suicide as an option. How do you cope when things get so overwhelming?
Please know that we are here for you in Forum and live, every night 6pm-11pm PST, if you want someone to chat with.
We are here for you Wolfwood,