I definitely remember you…I’ve been here for a while, and remember reading — and being caught by — your very evocative and emotional poetry. So there you go.
It warms my heart to hear that you felt supported here in the past, and I think it’s wonderful that you’ve been able to sit on the other side of things and give support to other people who were in need of it. That’s pretty cool! I can tell that you believe this kind of empathetic support to be important, and I’m really glad that you continue to reach out when you need it as well. Seriously.
I can hear that things have been rough in the last while — it sounds like the health issues set off a landslide in your life. From the sounds of it, you’ve gotten trapped in the health care system in a bad way, and I can sense that there has been a great deal of frustration, interminable waiting, and pain associated with getting the medical help you need. I can hear in your words how it has impacted other things, and brought up a few of the struggles you had wanted to leave in the past. Joy, I know that must be really saddening for you, and leave you with a sense of futility and hopelessness…and I would guess that these feelings were a large part of what led you to self-harm after being clean for so long. Is that kind of correct?
I can hear how disappointed you are with yourself, and with the kind of unravelling you’ve seen in yourself over the last while. I can imagine it feels hugely disheartening after having reached a point where you were doing well…kind of like falling down a mountain you’ve been climbing for a long time, and knowing that you have to climb it all over again now. I get how there are times when you feel so disgusted with yourself, and so unhappy that suicide pops into your head again. I am relieved at how determinedly you have told yourself that it’s just not an option… because I know how HUGE of a promise that can be when you’re hurting so badly. Please know that we’re here for you Joy, as always, and if you do have a moment of crisis, you can text us any evening at 778-783-0177 or chat in (6-11pm PST).
I get the sense that the added challenge having to hide your sexuality from some of the less-than-safe people in your life is casting another shadow over everything right now. I can imagine that the feelings of fear and anxiety that that evokes are feeding back into everything else as well. It seems like at a time when you could really use a strong network around you, you instead find yourself very alone, and unsure whether you can even trust those who are supposed to help you not to judge you for who you are. That sounds frightening and difficult. I can hear how you’re just not prepared right now to handle a negative reaction or judgement of that fact that you’re gay.
Totally feel free to use youthspace as a safe place to talk about how these things are affecting you, Joy. We’re definitely here to listen. Also, let us know if you’re interested in other online resources to help with coping and working through some of the mental health difficulties. We tend not to push a lot of resources, as we want to listen primarily, but we might be able to dig up some for you.
-Youthspace (aka The Support Team)