I get the sense you feel very silenced from talking about this with the people in your life, and scared that if your boyfriend or friends/family found out it would shatter the way they see you. I would guess a big part of your stress comes from hiding that part of you from your loved ones, and keeping the secret of what you are doing.
I can hear what an awful realization it’s been for you to know you are capable of hurting people in this way, and to live with the guilt you’re stuck with after the rush of logging in subsides. It sounds like you feel totally out of control now, and don’t know if you have the strength within yourself to stop…and that even when you’ve tried to stop, the compulsion takes over and you find yourself back at it. You’ve used the word ‘addicted’ to describe how tied to the stalking you feel…just a thought, I wonder if there’s any wisdom in general addiction resources that might provide some helpful tools or things to try?
You’re welcome for the support, any time! We’re here when you need an ear (as is the email counselling, you can use both or either/or, it’s totally up to you to switch things up for what’s working best). I hear how much of a freak you are feeling, but I can assure you you’re among friends here