I never really thought about the “hiding it from my boyfriend/other loved ones” as being a big part of my stress. For my friends and family I guess it’s not such a big deal – I don’t live with them so I doubt they’d find out, so it’s not so much hiding as just not mentioning it to them. As for my boyfriend though, I guess if I didn’t hide it well enough he could find out. I am terrified by the thought. I think him finding out, how much time I’m wasting doing this (unbelievable amounts of hours), and in general the shock of myself having such a horrible side to myself are my biggest fears/disappointments.
Yes it’s definitely a huge rush when I first log in – I’m so curious what the exes have been up to lately (although I still am not sure why), and when I do send a nasty message at first I feel relieved and satisfied. But then soon afterward I start feeling terrible deep in my stomach, and I imagine if I’ve hurt them I feel really bad. I also feel bad for myself, because this behaviour is really ugly and rotten. After reading your second paragraph and what I just wrote, I suppose it does sound like a real addiction! I’ve never been addicted to drugs or alcohol or anything before, so I guess I didn’t think about it in this way. I will definitely look into general addictions resources, thanks for the idea! I havent heard back from email counselling yet though I know it might take a while, so I’ll keep coming back here to talk until I feel I have the strength to beat this thing. Thank you!!