I am glad you posted again.
I get the sense that it feels as if the boundary between what goes on inside your mind, and what goes on in the world outside of you, isn’t always quite clear. Sometimes it seems like the movie playing in your mind is more real than the work you need to do or the people you are hanging out with. I can understand how hard that would make it to be engaged with other people. And correct me if I’m wrong, but from what you described about the party where the guy’s friends were present, it sounded as though your feelings of embarrassment and concerns about them thinking you were creepy or insane, made it difficult for you to interpret his friends actions. I imagine that would feel a little unnerving, to not to be sure if you are interpreting stuff quite right. It also sounds like in some situations, the things that are happening in your head might stop you from seeing what’s happening around you until later on, when that barrier might drop, and you are able to see it from a different perspective – such as when you talk about how you might have been acting needy around this guy, but you weren’t able to see it that way until later.
I can appreciate how comforting the movie reel of this guy is in your mind — yet you also despise your reliance on these fantasies and the role they plan in distracting you from your daily life there. I’m wondering what you do to pull yourself out of those movie scenes? Are there times when you feel more present and grounded in your life? Since you liked the exercises we gave you before, I’m going to give you another link to a site that has some good self-help techniques, in case you want to try some others out. https://www.walkalong.ca/explore/self-help-exercises
Luciana I can hear how much thought you are putting into your mental health right now. I admire the courage with which you are looking at your thought patterns and working to understand not only where you are, but also where you want to get to in order to be healthy. I truly hope you believe that you deserve love and happiness.
And in a way, it seems like your living abroad is opening you up, and allowing you to learn many things about yourself. I can hear how so much of that experience is new, exciting, and has that spirit of creation and “anything can happen”. As you said though, you weren’t expecting all of the emotional challenges that you’re feeling, and I can imagine how vulnerable it feels to have them exerting such power over you when you’re also feeling isolated.
When you say you won’t be able to find what you need, I’m wondering if describing what you need here would be helpful for you as part of your process? It sounds like there are a some very strong feelings attached to having a father figure in your life, and that there’s a deep yearning to have what other people have in terms of family support and connection?