I imagine it would be beyond frustrating to be so ready for change and healing and not be able to get the therapeutic support you need. From all you’ve posted here though, it seems you’ve already begun your own journey, despite the fact that it’s an uphill battle for you to even get to see someone.(We do connect youth to email counselling through our website. Here’s a link for you http://youthspace.ca/counsellor if that is something you might be interested in.)
I can hear how much hope you had for this relationship and how just physically being held by him let you sink into those feelings of security and warmth and intimacy that come from being close to another person. I am guessing you let yourself open up more than you ever have before in order to be with him and when he broke it off, it really hurt and so you closed down (deleted him from Facebook, was cold to him) to try to protect yourself. Though in the end, it seems you feel as if it didn’t protect you in quite the ways you wanted. Kind of like in the heat of the moment, you over-protected, like a porcupine getting its quills up, and now looking back, you wish you had found a way to cope with the hurt a bit differently.
I get the sense that one part of you feels ready to take the emotional risk of being vulnerable by emailing him and possibly being rejected and the other part of you feels as though the anxiety this risk generates is unbearable. I get how much you want to be seen and accepted, how much you want to have a loving and honest relationship with someone and I can imagine how terrifying it feels to put yourself out there in this way.
The movie playing in your head sounds as though it has positive sides (it’s soothing when you’re dealing with a situation that causes you anxiety, particularly a social situation where you worry that people are judging you) as well as negative sides (it makes it harder for you to engage with others and be present and you can’t always turn it off when you want to). You mentioned how writing, drawing, cleaning and meditating help you shift into being present when the movie is running and those sound like great grounding and self-care tools to me. I wondered other than playing the movie what else you try to do to cope when you’re in a social situation and you are worried people are judging you?
Know that we will be here for you as you continue to work through these thoughts.