Honestly we’re so glad that you keep using youthspace as a place to let out some of the feelings you’ve been having. As I read what you wrote about what you’re going through right now, my heart was hurting for you, hearing all the pain and loneliness that you’re having to endure. The physical pain without explanation is truly scary — as you said, if you are in enough discomfort to be going to emergency, then something is clearly wrong. I can totally hear how it feels like your own sense of your body is being ignored when you are sent home still hurting, without even a diagnosis to hold onto.
I get the sense that as huge as some of the stress is, it would feel just so much more manageable if there were more people around you who seemed to care about how you’re doing. But instead, you’re feeling alone, like you’ve been dumped in the middle of the ocean, with no life raft, and nobody around to pull you from the waves when you need a hand. It sounds like you are so, SO tired of working to keep your head above the waves that keep beating down upon you. It seems like a profound struggle to keep yourself going when you don’t get the impression that anyone would care if you stopped, or even disappeared. That sense of meaninglessness and isolation gets piled on top of the pain you were already feeling and I can hear how it makes things many times worse. It is hard to care for yourself when you feel like you don’t deserve it, and nobody is reaching out a caring hand to contradict your own disappointment in yourself. At this point, do you feel like it’s making you think of ending your life? (I do remember you saying you would hospitalize yourself before ever acting on suicidal thoughts, so I’m just checking to see if you’re having those thoughts right now, and whether that’s still a safety plan for you…)
Please know that we truly do value your voice, Joy. We are here for you, we want you to be able to survive to share your experiences and your light, so please keep reaching out here, and letting us know how you are doing.