It sounds very frustrating and exhausting being sick all the time. I imagine it makes all the other things you have to get done in your life that much harder to do. I can hear how much you just want to give up and how much strength it takes to keep on going. I am glad, despite how hopeless and down you’re feeling, you’re still willing to keep fighting and make a safety plan for yourself.
I can really see how the youth leader’s statements about gay feelings really undermine your confidence in yourself and scare you. I am no expert on homosexuality and religion, but I do know that being LGBT is not wrong and that many LGBT people live full, rich and happy lives. I also know that many church leaders and faith based communities accept and welcome all sexual orientations. (If you’re interested The Trevor Project has some more info and links about LGBT and religion: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/support-center) I am really sorry you’re having to go through all of this. You don’t deserve it.
I hope your winter break is less stressful for you.
We’re here for you.