Thanks again for your support. I haven’t posted in awhile because I’ve been busy during the holidays and also my emotions have been fluctuating so much everyday I don’t even know what to make of them.
That guy did answer my message and he was as nice and caring as always, but I see that he is trying to distance himself from me now. I certainly don’t blame him but it makes me sad and I regret my behaviour even more. When I started acting cold towards him I was desperately hoping that he would try to win me back, but of course that didn’t happen, he just moved on with his life. Before I was frustrated because we didn’t have a relationship and now I have even less than that and it’s all my fault for being so selfish with him. Looking back I don’t know why he even hung around me, and he probably realizes now how much better his life is without me.
I ran into him once and it was weird because he is so different in reality than the way he is in my “movies”. I think I idealized him in my mind a lot to a point where I inserted many qualities that simply weren’t there in him. We talked and I realized that we really have nothing in common. The conversations I have with him in my head are so different, and I think during the time we were friends I couldn’t separate the movies in my mind from reality, and I really believed he is the way he is in my mind…I don’t know if that makes any sense to you…it was disappointing to talk to him and realize he’s not what my mind thinks he is. I feel like I’m some crazy person falling for someone who doesn’t even exist.
Also I think I see people in extremes, like they’re either very good and care about me or they’re horrible and want to hurt me. Like when we were friends I thought he was the nicest and most perfect person in the world, and when he rejected me I was convinced that he’s actually a terrible person and had just led me on intentionally to hurt me. When I saw him last time I realized he’s a good person but he has flaws, and that his rejecting me doesn’t make him a bad person and maybe it doesn’t necessarily make me un-loveable either. That probably sounds so obvious to you… also I wish I could be like him, just able to move on with my life the way he did after I started ignoring him. I wish I were able to not let rejection affect my feelings about myself.
My mind still plays those same movies, and I still fantasize about being together but I know that’ll hurt me because I’ll get my hopes up again. I liked the image you brought up, about a porcupine getting up its quills, I think that’s an accurate description. I try to avoid getting hurt by putting up barriers but in the end it just hurts me and the other people move on. I have a lot of difficulty keeping friends. It’s easy for me to get to know people and become friends with them, but when we start getting closer I put up those barriers and we drift apart. How can I stop doing that? What do you think I should have done when that guy rejected me? I thought at the time that if I try to erase him from my life I would move on, but it only intensified my feelings for him and I’m still struggling with them.
To answer your question about what I do in uncomfortable social situations – I guess I try to distance myself from people when I feel like I don’t fit in. I feel alienated from people in general so it’s like my default response to try to separate myself from everyone and even when I feel like I’m getting along with others, I’ll still try to distance myself from them because I don’t want to get close to them and then get hurt. I’ve been told more than once that I’m self-absorbed and maybe even arrogant, but I guess I tell myself I’m better than everyone so that I don’t feel disappointed with myself when I don’t fit in.
Thanks for suggesting the Email counseling. I might use it later on. I also found out that there is a center here for abused women and it’s easier to find therapists if you go through them. I should have contacted them first but honestly it took me awhile to get the courage to be able to admit my abuse to someone in person…on the Internet it’s easier because nobody knows who I am. I’m registering with them and I hope they’ll be able to find a therapist for me.
I am looking forward to your reply. Thanks for listening,