The past two weeks have been pretty stressful and difficult. It feels really hard to be happy and I’ve been skipping class a lot because it’s too hard to get out of bed. I don’t know why but lately I’m constantly feeling tired no matter how much I sleep. I went out for the first time in awhile last night and everybody commented on how tired and sick I look, but nothing has changed at all so I don’t know why I’m feeling this way. I keep starting to randomly cry and can’t stop it or control it. I just feel empty all the time, and I’m missing that guy more than ever and I just wish he still cared about me and wanted me. I just want to go back in time and stop myself from cutting him out of my life, because now I have nobody.
You ask what I can do to relieve my thoughts about him, and the answer is nothing…once he enters my mind he doesn’t leave. I think I want to be with him so badly that my mind clings to him and idealizes him. I can’t even try to do anything to get rid of my obsessive thoughts because I think deep down I don’t want those thoughts to fade. I think this also relates with what we talked about that I “polarize” people while subconsciously knowing that I’m perceiving them to be different from what they actually are. Deep down I just WANT people to be a certain way so I cling to my perceptions, even though they’re false. When I’m confronted with reality that’s when I break down.
Whenever I run into him unexpectedly I can’t function for the rest of the day, all those overwhelming emotions just hit me hard. So I’m always nervous and worried about running into him at school or somewhere on the street, this causes me a lot of anxiety.
I’m coming to Canada soon for a month and I think at least that will give me a bit of relief since I won’t have to worry about running into him. It’s easier to not think about him when I’m so far away from him.
I don’t know if this is something you can help me with, but is there somewhere I can go in Canada for psychiatric help? Like if I have a mood disorder or a personality disorder or something like that, is there somewhere I can go to get diagnosed and get medication? Right now I feel that my emotions are so strong and overwhelming that I can’t do anything to calm them. It’s hard to do meditation exercises and stuff when you can’t get the motivation to even get out of bed.
Thanks for listening,