As I read your words, it felt like I could actually SEE your pain…it comes that strongly through what you wrote here. And I’m glad that you did post, especially since you must feel like you’re drowning keeping it all inside. It sounds like the suicidal thoughts and self-injury urges are nothing new, but that lately it feels like you are losing the fight. I can only imagine how exhausting that must be for you after fighting for so long. And the nightmares and insomnia sound absolutely torturous. When you say that you really can’t hold on much longer, I truly do believe you; this is some intense pain that you’ve been dealing with, made so much worse by the sleeping issues, self-image struggles, and the hopeless feeling that ‘everyone wants you dead’. I can hear how alone you feel, and unable to reach out to your friends and family – is there anything else that can help you get through the worst moments?
I’m glad that you’ve come to us for support, RhiannonCat12, because this sounds like a massive weight to carry by yourself. But I also get how the monsters that you’ve been doing war with are pretty big, and writing things out here might not be enough by itself (though I totally invite you to keep using the forum, of course). If you need more immediate listening support, and help getting through the tough urges, you can connect with us in live chat or via text (778-783-0177) — we’re here every night from 6pm-midnight PST. You can also use the “email” tab to get in contact with a professional counsellor.
And I know that things are feeling black and horrible right now, and that it might be really hard to move yourself away from the urges to harm yourself (either through self-harm or suicide). If you are going to act on those thoughts, please consider calling a crisis line like Kids Help Phone (1-800-668-6868) if we’re not open. And please call 911 if you do need immediate help. Know that it’s okay to do these things if you need that support.
Stay connected, RhiannonCat12 — we do want to help you as much as we can.