Hey there youthspace.
WOW. It has been long since I last opened this page and wrote a few words down. I guess I was doing a bit better. But I’ve realized lately that I’m not doing okay. I’m scared of my own self. Unhappy of who I am. You know how they say when 11:11 pops on make a wish. You know what wish I always make?: I want to die. And I find it so so sad. I realized that no one around me sees my pain, so they just keep on making everything so hard, so painful. I’m getting tired of being this person that I’m not. Of being someone that my parents want me to be because they can’t accept that I’m suffering. I have no clue how to tell them that I’m living in a dark world, that every single time I see a pool I just want to drown myself. I’m so angry inside. So sad at the same time. It’s painful. It’s upsetting. To fall asleep at night crying, I hate it. To not even be able to sleep because you have so many dark thoughts in your head, yeah it’s super painful.
I last chatted in and wrote to you guys in February, and I was in a dark place. I thought things got better but they just got darker. Here I am, alone, wondering how the hell I can be useful, because I full useless. I’m 19, I shouldn’t feel this way. I should’t think of dying every single moment of day.
I need someone to talk to. Someone to understand. And I thought of you guys.
I need some ways to cope, because I want to hold on. I don’t want to crumble into pieces like I have in the past. I do smile, I am sometimes happy. I just want it to always be this way. Do you get me ?