We’re so glad you found this site too, since it sounds like it’s hitting a sweet spot for you right now. <3 And it can be super meaningful to find a place where you feel like your story can land....especially since you mention how you've lost your friend as a piece of solid ground and perhaps that means your soul has been circling, looking for a place to set down and rest. It's tiring to continuously be searching for that space.
Thank you for sharing so openly with us and others. Our forum doesn't get as much use as it used to, but people still do read it, and it's entirely possible that someone out there is feeling so much of what you're feeling and might get a sense of relief from knowing that they're not the only one. The same goes for your "stories within stories, nightmares within nightmares" post, which was powerful and evocative. From both posts, I can really get a sense of how deep and complex your emotions run. You mention being highly sensitive and gifted, and it seems like those things are reflected in the raw and detailed nature of what you've written. From what you've put here, I get the impression that you pick up on nuances (like the subtle pressure to be happy, or your brother's possible uncertainty) and that you find yourself swamped by the resulting emotions...and maybe anxieties. I can hear how that same sensitivity can leave you feeling huge things when you think about the pain (or, specifically the *isolation* with pain) that people feel everyday on a bigger - societal - level. Am I correct in getting that you feel that your incredible capacity for sensitivity seems to also leave you open to waves of empathy and concern that threaten to drown you?
Alongside the general overwhelming sense of powerful emotions, it sounds like there are also some specific dreads that are haunting you...the almost tangible sense of hopelessness that you mention and the worries that you won't find people who love you for YOU or even find a sense of belonging. You mentioned feeling a deep sadness for the fact that so many of us are struggling alone, and I can hear how much that's a part of your pain too - that you're really struggling with that isolation and fear that people don't want to be around you.
It seems like you're exhausted, and yet also striving to comprehend and to find a way forward. You yearn to be able to do more and help others - maybe even to heal some of the loneliness and pain that others feel - but don't currently feel strong enough with your feet under you. I might be wrong, but it seems like maybe it's agonizing for you to feel hampered and drowning when you also feel that you have the potential to do more?
We think that you've got some powerful words to share. Your own words here, and the quote you shared show that. You've made us think!
-The Youthspace Team