Hello jolygator, welcome to youthspace. i know it can be a bit of an awkward jump when you first start typing….so thanks for pushing through and telling us what you’re feeling.
It’s awful that you experienced so much abuse, and are still fighting some of the effects of that experience. it sounds like you are still haunted by the memories. i can only imagine how painful it is to still be seeing the abuse (in nightmares and repeat video in your head) even though it’s not happening physically anymore. It almost seems like it’s still happening mentally and emotionally and causing you to feel all sorts of uneasy feelings. 🙁 And feelings can be really difficult – like right now how you describe not liking either the good or bad emotions. I might be wrong, but it sounds like you don’t trust or feel okay with the good emotions and the bad ones are just deeply painful to have.
And emotions are sometimes so complicated. It sounds like on top of the emotions that you feel, you still care about the person who did this abuse. What a conflict to feel inside – to be in so much pain but still miss the person who did this to you. I would imagine it leaves you wondering what to feel, and i can hear how it makes you just not want to have the feelings.
Heavy stuff, joygator. We’re here to listen if you want to keep sharing and we care about your experience. You can also chat live with us if you want…we’re open 6pm-midnight Pacific Standard Time every night.