***Pass a cigarette over?***

***Inhale. Exhale.***

No one has bashed me. I’m a screw up beyond everything. Shit keeps happening to me. Or so, I’m causing this shit, I blame myself for everything, I blame my addiction on others who caused me to have the addiction though.

I got into a car of a man, he drove me to his apartment, we drank I didn’t find him attractive and my father started to haunt me. I made an excuse to leave, nothing happened. My world crashed and crumbled beneath me. My father hauntings don’t always get to me to the point I’m having a melt down, but I did. It was dark out, sitting on a bench, crying to the point I’m just about to scream. I texted M telling him I’m sorry to bother him and told him I’m upset and sitting on a bench crying. He told me to come over he didn’t want me to be sitting on the bench outside in the dark. I spent the night with him, I went home for 2 hours to shower and check things online and went back to his place for dinner and breakfast this morning.

My cousin sent me a message telling me Grandma isn’t doing well. A month ago she had 2 tumors and brain and lung cancer stage 1. A month goes by and my cousin informed me she now has stage 4 cancer, 4 tumors, she can’t move nor talk and has had a few strokes. I get this message last night I started to cry, M is beside me sleeping. I sat there in “what do I do?”

M and I talked about him and I. He doesn’t want to call it dating or anything, he basically doesn’t want to put a label on something that him and I are having a good time with each other. He told me he wont cheat on me and he would expect the same thing back and if I did he wants to know. I cheated on him twice. I’m an idiot. He explained him and I are in different stages of our lives, me being 19 and him with a business, 38, our lives are different from on another.

I’m moving December 1st and I need to put a deposit on the room and pay the rest December 1st. I’m planning on going to see my grandma take a bus there, the ticket there and back is basically almost half my pay every other week. I’m lost. I need to be at work but I need to see my grandma.

I’m a complete screw up!