***Vomit seems painful***

***Thoughts of…***

Things aren’t going well for me *can someone pass me a drink?* which in fact has gotten me, well I feel… unhealthy. It’s gotten really hard to deal with things. I thought it would get better, it’s not. I can’t mask my feelings in this what would that do for me?

Answer: Nothing.

I found out last week October 27th that Grandma isn’t doing well. I found out more the next day before a shift at work. I felt down and worried I thought work would help me ease my thoughts and make me busy. One day of the week I work in the front on cash. My co-worker which I work with isn’t a bad person but she just, doesn’t let me do the cash and she never punches the order in, what the costumer wants in their drink then she tells me, while I’m working on 2 or more drinks. When I’m at the cash she talks over me with her hand on my shoulders or pushes me aside. I had enough of this I went to the manager. She does this to everyone even to the managers, even to the two main bosses. So Sunday 28th was hard for me.

I got off work at 11pm and went to M’s and I didn’t say much of what was going on. I called my cousin and he gave me my brother’s number, found out Grandma had stage 1 cancer 2 tumors to stage 4 cancer with 4 tumors. One (1) small one on her lung and three (3) on her brain. M told me I’m strong and it was okay to cry. Usually someone needs to tell me it’s okay to cry then I cry a lot, this time I hardly cried. M held me in his arms and rocked me back and fourth. M asked me if I wanted to get out, go somewhere. I said yea.

M drove me to another Province to see the bridge and we went downtown to see the Parliament building lit up and we met with his friend at a club. M and I danced, I drank 2 beers. I was so emotionally unwell 2 beers made me so intoxicated to the point near the end of the night I don’t remember much, but at the end of the night I was back at M’s. I can’t remember if this happened for sure but, I remember being on top of M and he told me to get off, I didn’t. He shock and said shit, then he took me off him. I got up and felt sick. I had no time to do much. M had to peel me off the blanket and he made sure I was okay and tucked me into bed then cleaned up.

I left M’s to head to work and ask for a week off. They were very cool with that and told me to be with my Grandma. I got home and M texted me telling me he is driving me 11 hours to see my Grandma. I packed a bag and he picked me up.

It was hard seeing my Grandma, she slurred her words and they finally transported her to a better hospital for treatment. I left Thursday November 1st on the train back home. M picked me up at the train station. I’ve been at M’s since Thursday, been staying over at his place for the night. Saturday night November 3rd I had a lot to drink. 1 liter of Woodys, 1 shot of mixed shot (vodka and something else) 1 beer, 2 shots of vokda, and 1 shot mixed (vodka and decilia) I had only drank the 1 liter, the one shot of mixed vodka and something else and beer before M and I with his friend went out to M’s bar to play darts. Once there, had 2 shots of vodka and the mixed vodka and decilia.

I wasn’t scared in going this time. I felt protected being with M. I acted sober the whole time. M and I got back and I’m trying to seduce him, but he wouldn’t due to me being intoxicated and didn’t want me to be sick. During the night, the bathroom floor became my friend, naked and cold beside the toilet multiple times during the night into the late morning. I emptied my stomached and I still managed to empty everything. M walked in the bathroom wondering why I was there. He gave me something for my stomach and a glass of water, both came back up as it went in. He tucked me into bed. My stomach hurt again and I was just getting warm and I’m back in the bathroom throwing up my stomach. I was so sensitive the smell of my own feces made me throw up which I had to in the sink due to the smell. It’s Monday night and I’m still trying to re-cooperate from it.

I’ve been restricting my eating for the past 2 weeks. Saturday I only consumed about 300 calories that day and went drinking. Sunday I must of consumed 250 calories (drank some Gatorade and ate some ice cream) today, I’ve consumed about 300 calories. I just can’t eat anymore, my stomach hurts and I’ve been taking tums to calm my upset stomach.

I used to have a big bulge hanging over my waist line from stomach fat, it’s hardly there anymore. When standing and looking in mirror, my back and front looking on the side has gotten small in width. I may be turning to alcohol and struggling with my sex and eating. Last night M and I had sex and this morning as well. It has helped me, ease my mind more.

Things are hard.

***It has to be a dream***

***Tell me it’s just a dream***

Grandma went for Chemo today. The doctors said she may not make it through Chemo or may die after Chemo. Why the fuck would they want her to do Chemo if it’s going to kill her?! My Grandma has a lot of hope, my cousin sent me this message yesterday, “its complicated. she seems to be getting better but her disease is getting worse”