I want to start out by explaining that while we have edited some of your post to protect other youthspace users, the Support Team has heard and considered your every word in responding. We totally understand how helpful it can be to write everything out, and we tried to preserve the heart of your story while staying true to our guidelines (which keep youthspace a safe place for all young folks). I can hear how heavily your memories of these sexual experiences are weighing on your mind right now; I’m wondering whether you have ever used the forum at Scarleteen? (http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum/ultimatebb.cgi) Their m.o. is sex and sexuality, and I imagine they can speak to some of what you have expressed here in a much more knowledgeable way. Also, I invite you to seek support on our live chat from 6pm-11pm West coast time; we are able to more readily approach some of the triggering content you’ve expressed in a one-on-one chat.
I’m hearing fear in your voice, that the world might hate you or judge you for the things you have done. I get a sense that a part of you is angry at yourself for being unable to control your behavior in the past, and on top of that you are angry at your father for what he did to you, and at others for being unable or unwilling to help you out of that cycle. I can hear that you are feeling right on the edge of what you can stand, and I imagine it’s scary to think of what’s to come.
It sounds like you have tried a number of different ways to SI, and I get the sense that sex has become the ultimate SI method for you. I’m hearing that you aren’t seeking it out for pleasure, but to relieve the pressure of fear and doubt and betrayal that builds up inside you. I’m wondering how it felt for you to be abstinent for four months? I would guess you are feeling terribly alone and isolated, being put on such a long waitlist for counseling and given the message you are not in need. I’m so glad you’re reaching out and seeking some support, DashingDaisy.
the Support Team