Thanks for being honest with us. I really appreciate that you are letting us know exactly how you’re feeling about things. Seriously.
I know that it’s not as simple as either wanting to lose bulimia from your life or not. I can hear how it has been something that has given you a sense of control, and also been important to you as you search for a way to feel okay about your body. I understand that the thought of having this control taken away makes you feel very anxious and uncomfortable. I can respect that. It also seems, though, that there are moments when you feel like you are trapped in the cycle that bulimia creates, and that you’re tired of the constant thoughts that seem to come along with it. It sounds like many of those thoughts take you down a rabbit-hole of self-loathing, Nie. I get the sense (correct me if I’m wrong) that sometimes you want to escape what you called this “vicious cycle”.
I wish that I had the answer, of what would help you avoid those suicidal thoughts. But ultimately I believe that you are the only person who knows what you need to stay safe. You spoke about snowboarding and how alive it made you feel — is there anything else that helps create some light in the darkness for you?
We have lots of resources (like lookingglassbc.com and proud2bme.org) around disordered eating and some valuable distractions or coping skills lists too if those interest you…
Here for you,
The Support Team