I can hear how exposed you feel. It sounds like this loss of control has your mind and heart spinning out of control. Having your eating habits have been disrupted and monitored by your parents — who feel they are acting out of concern for your health — has had the converse effect, as you feel your life is in danger to suicide. Purging was a way for you to feel in control of your food intake and maybe even cope with other feelings. Now that these habits have been invaded I can hear that you are left feeling lower than low, at a loss as to how to cope after bingeing, unable to purge.
I imagine that in those moments you feel a level of self-loathing so unbearable that suicide comes to mind. Can I ask, do you have a plan to end your life? I’m also wondering if you have found any other ways to cope in those panic-stricken moments.
We really appreciate your honesty with us Nie. Know that we are on your team. I hope that if you find yourself moving towards suicide that you will call 911 or another crisis service.
Here for you,
The Support Team