I wish there was something I could say that would pause time and interrupt these feelings and give you the break that you feel you need so badly. Because the depth of the loneliness seems unending, and the thoughts of suicide are so pervasive for you…
From what you’ve said, it sounds like it’s hard to even care about anything that happens anymore; painful memories haunt you, making you feel like every time that you trust in someone they disappear from your life. And even when you think about getting help for the suicidal feelings, it’s hard to imagine that anyone might REALLY care. It sounds like you know exactly how that situation with the hospital and EMHS would go, and you already know how numbing it would be. :’( It must feel like hope is a million miles away. You say you don’t want to go through that experience, but that it’s also really sad out here…if you get to the point where you are going to end your life, do you think you’ll be able to reach out for help, knowing how it might play out?
It must feel like you’re locked out of the world around you when you see other people happy in relationships and feel like you can’t have that experience in the same way. I can hear how incredibly draining it is to watch friends get married and feel perpetually reminded of your own pain and solitude.
We’re all thinking of you, Dan. Stay in touch.
-The Support Team