It sounds as though things are becoming unravelled with your family gone and the thoughts in your head are getting really strong. I can understand that it doesn’t all stem from your parents going away… I can imagine though, that without their presence, your feeling of being a job is a lot more powerful, and death seems especially tempting. Your life seems largely determined for you, and built out of the expectations of other people, and I can hear how deeply you just want to be done with all of it. I can hear how badly you want to escape. :’(
You say that the thoughts and loneliness are strong enough that you feel like you should go to a hospital but are not welcome to do so…. It’s like you are calling for help and nobody is there to answer. I get the sense that the nurse stands out as an example of a time when you tried to get support and ended up with misunderstanding. It must be hugely upsetting to feel like when you are in so much distress, you still have to act a certain way and perhaps pretend not to be in the emotional pain you feel.
We want to help you however we can Dan, because we can hear how isolated you’re feeling. If you feel like you are in crisis, and our chat service is open, we might be able to connect you to a team of mental health workers who help people dealing with suicidal thoughts. Suicide IS a difficult topic, and it can be hard to find people willing to talk to you. Please chat in if you want help accessing extra supports. We are always ready to talk to you here, and to hear whatever you have to get off your mind, but we know that sometimes things feel bigger than that…
The Support Team