My heart really goes out to you. It is terrifying to think that you are becoming physically ill from your thoughts. I can truly hear the depth of your sadness. And it sounds like having such a visceral reaction made the feelings that much more real, and made you want help very much.
I can imagine that it must be very painful to always feel like a job, and like the care people sometimes don’t seem like they are doing what is in their job title. I can hear your frustration with them, and how much more lonely and isolated it makes you feel.
You have such resilience, Dan. We see the strength in the fact that you keep reaching out for help when you are struggling with the decision of life vs. death. The hardest thing right now must be feeling that even though you are so close to ending it all, and you are not taken seriously and are not welcome at the hospital. I hope that you remember that we are here for you, and that even though we are online and not in person, we care very much about you, Dan.
I can hear how your mind runs over the “long journey” that you have ahead if you choose to live. When you are feeling suicidal, it must seem like a horrible thought that things might continue on with so much pain. :’( When the pills kick in, things seem brighter, and perhaps it’s easier to imagine life in the future? I wonder what has kept you going lately?
Packages come and go, tossed this way and that, sometimes without thought for the delicate contents. A package gets bruised and battered, and falls upside-down. But when the package is finally opened, and the contents revealed, somebody finally gets to see the beauty that the workers missed when they were flinging it every which way. We believe that you have strength and beauty, Dan, that are very much worth fighting for. I’m so glad that you continue to connect here and over chat. I can hear how close the thoughts of death were lurking the other day, and it scares me for you. We’re here to help you fight those thoughts however we can.
The Support Team