Today I woke up in the best mood I have been in a long time. This was simply due to one fact; last night I slept approximately 8 hours without waking up once in the night. I have been taking sleeping pills lately and I am thankful for them. I was so well rested and it put me in such an brilliant mood that I made myself a great breakfast and was extremely productive. I did some work that I have been meaning to do and I went for a run. All the stresses in my life were at the back of my brain and there was no negativity in my attitude. This is the first time this has happened in over a month and I felt there was finally an end to my depression.
And what seems like the theme of my life, all good things must come to an end. Mid afternoon I found out an individual I went to high school with was in a serious car accident with no brain function on life support. I havn’t spoken or seen him in more than 5 years but I remember his laugh distinctly. We played on the sports teams together and he was so cheerful and outgoing. Even though we havn’t been close in years I just feel this pain in my chest and such sadness for his family. I knew his family really well and they were all so close. I can only imagine the pain they must be feeling having to go through something like that. I will keep them in my thoughts and prayers.
What this has made me realize tonight is that I am almost disgusted with myself for feeling the way I do. The last month I have been so wrapped up in my own problems complaining of what seems like silly things. There are families out there going through terrible, heart breaking crisis and I have been crying uncontrollably about things that now feel so small. But realizing this does not make happy about my life, it makes me terribly depressed that I can’t be happy with the things that I have. I have been so lucky in my life and I still can’t just be grateful. And with all of these feelings that have now crept up tonight it puts me back at a low.
My parents are also really close with this family and my mother is taking it really hard. Because of this, she has been very ‘motherly’ and caring today. I am almost happy?? that she is feeling like this because I think it almost has made her realize that she hasn’t been treating me very well. Its not that I am happy she is hurting, I am hopeful that she realizes that life can turn in a second and we don’t want to be on the outs if something was to happen. It’s the same for me I think; I should be more open with my parents can in an instant they can be gone and I don’t want the last conversation we have to be full of anger. Maybe this can help my relationship with my parents? Right now I just feel angry at them more because it took someone’s life to make them realize they need to speak to me like an adult.
It seems like the universe is making sure I am not happy. Like every time I feel the smallest bit of hope things are getting better the world turns everything upside down. I don’t know if the universe is just trying to make me stronger or trying to test me, but I really need it to stop. I am getting so tired of my brain working 500 miles a minute to try and keep up with my life. I’m getting exhausted.
Please let this not detour my recovery. I was fully expecting set backs and I know one good night doesn’t mean I’m not depressed anymore. But I don’t know if I can handle any more big emotional breakdowns. I just hope the sleeping pills can keep working so I can keep my sleep schedule up.