There’s so much going on for you: so many emotions and thoughts fighting for space in your mind. Like crashingwave, I’m inspired by you, by the strength that you show by working things out here, and trying to keep as much positivity as possible.
So sorry to hear about your high school friend, Jay. I have no doubt that hearing about the accident was terrifying and tragic on a number of levels. Certainly the emotional fallout seems to have stirred up all kinds of emotions that perhaps you were not prepared to feel all of a sudden. I can hear how guilty and exasperated you are at yourself for still feeling inexplicably unhappy about “small things” when this other family seems to be facing a pain that seems naturally more devastating…and on top of that sits your own feeling of grief, and a lot of sudden questions about what it means to people to lose someone like that. I’m glad that, in a strange way, it is providing some motivation to be on better terms with your parents…but even that is not without its bitter undertones from what you’ve said, and you’re left wondering why it takes a tragedy to elicit respect and care from your own family. :S
You’re really seeing how strong an impact sleep has on your life, hey Jay? It’s good to hear that the sleeping pills have been giving you a measure of relief, even if the night time is still often rife with emotional lightning storms. I do think that it is important to seek out some of the things that can help us cope through the toughest moments, and I can sense that you are fighting hard to do just that. Definitely the friend that is supporting you is part of that net that can catch you in the worst moments, when the universe seems to be throwing awful and agonizing at you at once. I know I already told you how inspiring you are, but I’m going to add that taking your friend out to dinner to express your gratitude is one of the most amazing things I’ve ever heard. I’m so glad that it was a positive experience for you, and that it brought you to a place of feeling like you were less of a burden (from what you’ve told us, I think you got it exactly right when you said that it’s important to your recovery). It sounds like talking with your friend also dramatically changed the way that you think about mental illness; I wonder if opening up the conversation about the reality of mental illness helped you feel less anger at yourself for the feelings you are having?
Those feelings – especially the agonizing grief, disappointment, stress and loneliness that seem to be part of the storm that you find yourself in when your mind won’t stop at night — are clearly still huge, Jay. I can only imagine how devastating it is to wake up in the middle of the night to feel your world crumbling around you, or to not be able to sleep at all, and just need to scream to get the pain out of your aching heart. We are here to listen as you talk (write?) through the disorientation and weariness of those moments. I can hear how enormous the struggle is sometimes, and I respect the effort that you are forcing yourself to put into sorting out your thoughts, even when you are faced with the added anxiety of doing it alone.
It’s also shows great awareness that you are identifying what some of your emotional triggers are. I wonder if you feel better prepared to cope with them if you can name them?
Keep connected Jay; as long as you are writing, we will be here to listen to the triumphs and the setbacks.
-The Support Team